Docu-soaps are all the rage these days and after seeing people enter the world in One Born Every Minute and depart in Death Unexplained, we see people caught somewhere between life and death as 24 Hours in A&E returns to our screens. As per usual, there are some touching, heart-breaking and joyous moments as we hear from those who work and have the misfortune to end up in the Accident and Emergency department at King’s College Hospital in London.

To be honest, the first twenty minutes almost feel like a cycling safety video and the A&E team explain that most days start quietly, before going mental during rush hour. The hospital sees 5,000 stricken bikers a year (which given the amount of red-lights they ride through, isn’t surprising) and the first patient of the morning is Christopher, who came off his bike in South London. Crucially, he was wearing a helmet and despite a brief scare, leaves hospital after chewing the ear off a nurse who stitches him up.

Things are much more serious for Sarah, who wasn’t wearing a lid when she came off her bike in Brighton. As such when she arrives in an air ambulance she has a list of injuries longer than a Leonard Cohen song and her life is hanging in the balance. “In the movies there’s always someone to cradle you when you’re dying,” explains her friend after calling her best mate’s parents. Luckily Sarah makes a recovery and after seeing herself on TV looking like a tube map, it’s a happy resolution that at one stage seemed unlikely. Presumably she’s either given up cycling or invested in a helmet since her accident.

Emotions run high in most programmes of this sort, but you can’t help but feel that they are slightly rawer here. Most people in One Born.. know they’re going to have a baby, but when we hear a woman recall the moment she realised that her husband may never talk or walk again after falling from a scaffold, you realise that there are some things which nothing on earth can make you ready for. You just have to hope that such a call never comes.

It’s not all doom and gloom at A&E though and despite some colourful language, an elderly man melts hearts when he’s admitted after falling down at his local Working Man’s Club. “I usually have a favourite patient of the day, one that sticks out, some days a bit run of the mill, but I’d say he’s a patient of the week. He’s gorgeous,” says King’s College nurse Laura Higgs. “At least it’s a day out!” says his mate John as they wait for the taxi to pick them up..

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"It's definitely wine"

If you are hoping for a nice quiet evening in, curled up in front of some inept businessmen and women as they attempt to pry some cash of Alan Sugar’s pocket, you are in luck! This week’s episode of The Apprentice (BBC One, 9pm) features more ineptitude than ever before and the puns…even more diabolical.

The remaining eight candidates are tasked with creating a new image for English sparkling wine – and begin their search in Tesco. Goggle-eyed Stephen’s first mistake? Asking a sales assistant for advice about the “one million and one wines” he perceives to be on offer in the supermarket. Best to just have a shifty at the labels mate.

Across the city, Tom and Adam enjoy a wine tasting session in a bid to “get a taste for the product”. Bear in mind at this point that Tom is a wine expert by trade while Adam, the market trader, sniffs an anonymous glass of vino decreeing that it “smells like Christmas cake”.

Tonight is also the night of the long-awaited directorial debut for this year’s cohort. A “corking campaign” (the script this evening appears to have been written by my dad?) led by Jenna, which involves toffs toasting each other is surely destined for the annals of Apprentice failure…

Take a peek at an excerpt from tonight’s show below:

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It was rumoured that the former Really Wild Show presenter would begin in Essex with an examination of Arg and his lesser-spotted on/off mate, Lydia Bright, whose “bizarre” connection continues to baffle and astound viewers who scream “just move on”.

But those rumours were totally unfounded and we now bring you news that in Secrets Of The Living Planet, the naturalist will venture from Brazil to Bangladesh in a bid to explain some of the hidden relationships shared by living things.

In each of the four hour-long episodes, Packham will explore a different ecosystem and the strange symbiotic relationships which exist therein. Apparently crabs in Bangladesh need tigers and geckos in Kenya need giraffes…who knew?!

Shedding light on the reason he took part in the new series, Packham said: “My earliest memories are of discovering beauty in small things. The Ladybird that tickled my palm and pitched on the tip of my finger was formatively perfect.”

*sheds tear*

“Understanding nature is not about knowing why birds sing, why bees buzz or why fish swirl in silvery shoals”, he continued. “It’s about being able to see the bigger picture, being able to see how all life is connected and, by unravelling the stories that link species, it’s also about developing a deeper more profound appreciation of life.”

Secrets of The Living Planet is due to air on BBC Two at 8pm on snuggly Sunday evenings. The first episode will be shown on Sunday 24 June.

*after David Attenborough…and Michaela Strachan 

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The documentary chronicled the “rinsing” habits of three beautiful young women whose prey consists of men who are daft enough to donate gifts and cash to them  - in return for minimal effort on their part. One lady – Danica – charges up to 50 quid for ten minutes of scintillating conversation about what she ate for dinner over Skype, while up in Mansfield Hollie receives 200 for six minutes of financial dominatrixing via webcam. “The last deposit you made in my bank account was pitiful, pig”, she faux-rages. “You’re going to have to do better”. Meanwhile blonde glamour model Jeannette demands trips to New York and designer handbags via the medium of Blackberry Messenger.

The girls themselves seem to believe that they are pioneering in some form of feminist campaign whereby women bleed blokes dry in the name of the sisterhood. “Girls should feel well more empowered”, Hollie advises us. But their ambition to level the playing field in terms of power is tragically misguided and their pursuit of “motherfuckers to pay the bills” is likely to have done little to inspire another generation of bra burners. The ladies themselves insist that they are smart business women, using what they have to make ends meet, but their subjugation of the opposite sex (and unwittingly, themselves) sees them pegged back to the same level of your average posh female escort of the Victorian era.

In the great tradition of noughties TV viewing, I turned to Twitter to seek solice in the views of others. Gratefully, I drank from the refreshing pool of other’s outrage. @RichardBiedul twittered: “Channel 4. “Sex, Lies and Rinsing Guys“. These women are morally, socially and spiritually bankrupt. Emmeline Pankhurst would be proud. #NOT“. While @KrisSoAppalled lived up to his alias, “Sex, Lies and Rinsing guys. These girls make me sick”, he fumed.

And it wasn’t just the male Twitterati who were left outraged by these backward gold-digging antics. @Stephren said: “”sex lies and rinsing guys” errrrr women where is your independence?! #whores“. While @MsLisaRogers huffed :”Now fired up & cross having watched the first 5 mins of ‘sex lies &rinsing guys‘ on 4od. And breeethe”.

Have these girls given any thought to what might happen to their “career” once gravity begins to take its inevitable toll on those perky breasts? “It’s about using what I’m best at to make money – just like a nurse”, boasts Danica. The irony is that Danica has actually made a great success of her business and is fully aware of the importance of social media and the internet to promote her business, why not transfer these skills to another role? Exercise your power in the workplace, not just for the sake of a Gucci handbag.

If not, what talent or skills will be relied  upon once the rosy flush of youth has vanished from one’s cheeks? The girls currently maintain that all of their money-grabbing activities are above board and  involve no sexual contact of any kind – but what will they be left with once a mere glance will no longer satiate their hungry clients? It is perhaps little wonder that the mundane, domestic appliances dwindling at the bottom of their Amazon wish lists remain undelivered…those paying clients would much rather see the benefit of a palette of Chanel slap.

But what did you make of the money-grabbing antics?

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Down and out?

After almost a decade on perhaps the most iconic Saturday night entertainment show of our time, Louis Walsh fears that this year may be his last on The X Factor.

According to reports by The Sun, the Irish music manager and coiner of terrible phrases feels sure that Cowell will eject him from the panel to make room for fresh talent.

Louis said: “I can’t believe it is my ninth year on X Factor. But I really don’t know if I’ll make it to ten.

“If I work hard, I’ll get the job. If not, Simon will let me go. It’s going to be hard work this year, really hard work. Simon will be cracking the whip.

“He makes the best shows but nobody is safe to stay. If I don’t make ten years I’ll have a lot on next year anyway.”

And by “a lot on”, Walsh is referring to an attempt to manage Shane Filan’s solo career post Westlife…that should keep him very busy indeed.

Oi Louis – how about a spot on The Voice? Danny is sure to be booted out before long and they will need another token Irish judge.

But there is little chance of Louis joining The Voice as a coach if he finds himself short of work.

“No way. It’s not great TV”, he told someone else. “It’s like Fame Academy all those years ago. The best thing about it is the revolving chairs.

“I hate The Voice“, he continued exercising visible restraint. “I think everyone thought The Voice UK would be like the US version, and it’s not. It’s dull and boring.”

If you’re reading this lowly internet blog Mr Cowell, we implore you not to deprive us of Louis next year. The world would never have seen such game-changing acts as Jedward or Wagner were it not for his unfailing belief in misguided ambition.

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Fighting tooth and nail: Britney

After being paid a sum which could seriously help out those poverty-stricken Greeks (15million big ones), Britney Spears may not be turning out as such a great X Factor USA investment after all.

Just a few hours into her first day on the X-beat, the pop princess was visibly struggling with critics pointing out her shoddy appearance and diva-ish demands.

Appearing at a press announcement in New York (see vid below), Brit’s unflattering minidress was said to be “stained with lipstick”. It seems her nerves had also got the better of her, with bloody fingernails and unkempt cuticles betraying an anxious habit.

Perhaps her awkward previous appearances on the talent search show – which featured lacklustre banter and below par styling – have unnerved the Oops I Did It Again singer?

But boss Cowell is confident that his investment will reap the 20 million viewers he has boasted will flock to this year’s super-series. He has said that he is “not at all” worried about Spears appearing on the panel and has refuted any claim that she will have her gags written for her.

Britney seemed dead excited about her new job, however, saying (or should that be reading) : “I couldn’t be more excited to join the X Factor judging panel. I am a huge fan of the show and now I get to be a part of the action.

“Simon and LA better watch out!”

Criticism has also been aimed at the star for her diva-ish behaviour off-set, with dressing room negotiations reportedly reaching a “point of disgust” and demands to be seated alongside Cowell when the show kicks off later this year.

The X Factor crew have vigorously denied claims that Britney has been anything less than a lady about the whole deal and said that anything to the contrary is “total utter malicious rubbish”.

Poor Britters, who has suffered at the hands of drink and drug abuse scandal over recent years after shooting to fame in her teens, is apprently hoping that the whole SiCo experience will drag her back down to earth.

A source close to Britney said: “Five years ago Britney was like a zombie. She had some really bad influences in her life.

“It has been a slow recovery but she is getting there. She has got the balance back and we hope The X Factor will give her the structure and discipline she needs.”

If previous years of the X Factor are anything to go by, we suggest keeping in touch with your doc. babe.

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Michael Apted’s long-running documentary series Up has followed the lives of fourteen British children since 1964, when they were just seven years old. Today they’re 56 and have changed considerably over the years. For the participants, the series much exist as an embarrassing document of the days when they used to frequently wear Parisian night suits and listen to Disco Duck; for viewers it’s a truly fascinating and completely unique insight into lives of others—like Big Brother, but without the idiots.

On this first part of 56 Up (the first of 3 parts to be broadcast) we catch up with Peter, who stopped participating in the series after 28 Up. An underpaid and seemingly uninspired schoolteacher at the time, he became the target of a tabloid press campaign after he criticised the government of Margaret Thatcher. Obviously, the tabloid press aren’t quite so militant today. They’re all sunshine, lollypops and rainbows now, and so Peter’s back to explain where he’s been all this time.

Back in the 1980s, Pete came across like an unexpected mix between Morrissey and Tony from Hollyoaks. Today, he seems noticeably mellower, and trendier—he’s lost the floppy hair. Together with his wife Gabby, Pete now sings and plays guitar in a Gram Parsons-inspired country-rock band. We’re even treated to a short performance.

It’s Neil, however, who is tonight’s main highlight. He began the series as a preconscious and excitable seven-year-old, with dreams of going to Oxford University. But he was rejected, and so he attended Aberdeen University instead. Soon after, he dropped out of education permanently and life dealt Neil a series of hard blows. By the time of 28 Up, he was seen living on the streets, uncertain of his future.

Over time, Neil has miraculously managed to work his way up to become a Liberal Democrat Politian in Cumbria, although he still appears to be unsatisfied with his life. He began the series as somebody destined for a bright future, somebody seemingly comfortable in their own skin. And yet with every instalment he’s become visibly more neurotic and bitter. 56 Up sees him at perhaps his most frustrated. He now dreams of becoming a writer, and is annoyed that fans of Up haven’t discovered his body of work.

Fortunately, due to the nature of the series, Up becomes increasingly more fascinating with every step that it takes. It’s simply human nature to want to know more about these people. And the more we know, the more we want to know. It’s not so much what these participants say that makes the series so brilliant, but what they say in retrospect. As we watch them age, their opinions and ambitions change over time. It’s like nothing else on television. It’s essential viewing.

Sky’s latest Sunday night offering had far less to do with Bill Oddie than one may have thought from a cursory glance through the TV listings mag. But judging by the warmth and generosity on display from this accommodating clan, the ornithology enthusiast would have been more than welcome to drop by for a cuppa chez Starling. Bouncy characters and some carefully observed comic moments make this a top Sunday watch, but it is the beating heart at the core of this family drama which makes it shine.

Lesley Sharp (Scott and Bailey) and Brandon Coyle (Downton Abbey) are the loving couple from the loins of whom this quirky family have sprung forth. In terms of the family tree configuration, the Starlings clan is kind of a cross between My Family and Only Fools and Horses, with some characters seemingly grafted straight in; senile granddad (Alan Williams) grumbles about talking cats in the corner while slightly-crazy-overgrown-teenager Gravy (John Dagleish) lingers about saying stupid stuff, with no job or prospects. Sisters Bell (Rebecca Night) and footy-mad Charlie (Finn Atkins) complete the line-up. And then there’s Bell’s boyfriend, Bell’s baby and Uncle Loz…and Fergie… In fact, with so many characters floating about, episode one was more of a meet and greet than a chunky delve into any psyches, but with eight weeks ahead there should be plenty of room to grow.

The family is based in Matlock – NO, that is not anywhere near London – it is in Derbyshire. This unusual setting allows the show to identify its own parameters without the shackles of audience expectation which might otherwise compel an extended northern family into a small semi in the heart of piss-stained Manchester so the show can tackle “societal issues” to boot.

This could easily have ended up as a clichéd romp through the encyclopaedia of family sitcom stereotypes, but rather refreshingly the funny factor feels unforced and natural. The absence of canned laughter, a sitcom staple which I for one am entirely ready to see the demise of, certainly encourages this organic approach to gag-identification. But humour ultimately comes from the shared acknowledgement that family life – for all its unplanned, inconvenient, tea-stained messiness – is actually really quite amusing, and can even be rather wonderful if you are all pulling in the same direction.

There is, I suppose, room to criticise the family’s lack of concern over what appears to be some fairly serious financial predicaments. A supposedly crippling bill for £4000 – which tortures daddy Colin throughout the entire first episode – is swiftly and painlessly cleared by mum using some secret stash of cash which he apparently had no knowledge of. But presuming that there are families out there who do love each other enough to bump along despite their troubles, there doesn’t seem anything wrong with laughing along with this particular bunch.

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*Read last week’s blog here*

Before we get into the nitty gritty of whodunnit during this week’s double-Bridging, I would first like to draw your attention to what can only be described as the finest scene of the series so far. Having shacked up with his partner since cheating on his wife, Martin is introduced to his colleague’s nightclub lover over the most surreal microwaveable dinner of his life and Saga’s complete lack of social awareness as she lists their sexual activities was nothing short of hilarious. As a colleague she can be a nightmare, but as a character she can put the comedy in hard drama.

“This is Martin. He’s staying with me because his wife has kicked him out.. This is Anton, we have sex now and then.” Golden.

Social ineptitude aside, these two episodes were a dalliance along the wrong track before a stomping breakthrough and at last we seem to have discovered the identity of our disgruntled, truth-telling psychopath – or at least his former identity – after he hijacked a school-bus. It seemed inevitable that the most innocent would be part of the killer’s masterplan at some stage, but thankfully his request was met and the young survived, much to the relief of a gaggle of extras that were drummed up to sit around one television as the clock counted down.

If the involvement of children as the next group of vulnerables was inevitable, then we saw the death of Murdochian hack Daniel Ferbe coming from the other side of the continent. We thought his ecstasy-induced epiphany might have saved him from the chop or that he would be the final lesson, but it seems that Daniel had already sealed his fate many years ago when he accepted a pay-off rather than divulging information invaluable to the killer. Oh Daniel – I shall miss you and your beloved floral man-scarf.

Thankfully we still have Saga, whose ability to find connections is far more developed than her ability to make them. She may still be talking about her menstrual cycle, but she’s definitely grown more self-aware as the series has progressed. At times her relationship with Martin is comparable to that of a curious child and an exasperated parent, yet she’s certainly picking things up during his frequent life lessons. Maybe nobody’s bothered to explain society’s unwritten rules to her before, but she seems interested in them.

Character progression aside, there was plenty for us to get our teeth into this week and tonight’s second episode was the finest of the series so far. We had an exciting red-herring in the form of Anderson and his well-named sidekick Kent Hammer, before the breakthrough came which sets us up a potentially cracking finale next week. The way that Martin pointedly told his wife that they were now hunting ‘Jens’ leads us to believe they had some history there. We know that he cheated Mette before “many years ago”, but who with? Saga noticed that Martin seemed upset by the prospect that the killer could be a policeman at the start of the seventh episode, could it be much more personal than that? Either way, we doubt August will be getting much action on his date with ‘Frida’..

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Well we say that, but in reality we doubt he’s bothered because he’ll sign Jonathan Antoine and (begrudgingly) his singing partner Charlotte Jaconelli whatever the result tonight and privately, he hopes the couple can be bigger in the US than BGT’s most successful alumni, Susan Boyle.

“This time last year Simon was faced with the not-particularly exciting prospect of having to sell Jai McDowall records. He was in a funk. But this year his excitement levels are off the scale,” a friend of Cowell told The Sun.

“He’s watched as Jonathan and Charlotte have taken the country by storm. He knows that opera is a big seller, especially if people like the person singing it.”

Cowell will reportedly offer the pair a £1 million record deal with his music company SyCo next week. Meanwhile, Sony boss Rob Stringer is flying in from America to watch 17 year-old Jonathan and his 16 year-old partner perform tonight with a view to signing them up to Columbia Records.

The deal will mean that Cowell sells the pair’s records in the UK while getting a large slice of the American sales and with studio time booked for the week after next, an album could be on the way before Christmas. Crucially, sources explained that all deals were for both Jonathan and Charlotte.

Meanwhile bookies have admitted that it would be “one of the biggest shocks in TV talent show history” if the pair didn’t win and a vast amount of cash has been staked on Antoine and Jaconelli. Yet despite his confidence, Cowell seems to be wary of publicly comparing them to Subo.

“I think they’ve got a big, big chance of selling records all over the world,” he admitted. “They’re amazing singers. I’m particularly impressed with how Charlotte has improved. I’m not sure anything will ever be as big as Susan but I certainly believe an American audience will like them both.”

He also claimed that second favourite Pudsey could “become a worldwide star — maybe our biggest star yet.”

So who’s this Jai McDowall bloke then?

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