In 1994, a polite, well-mannered handsome man in a red suit and a strange hat stepped on to our television screens. On the trail of the man who killed his father, Constable Benton Frasier of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police found himself in Chicago partnered with a badly dressed Chicago Police detective solving crimes no one else could.  Due South became a strange TV programme in its viewing figures.  Cancelled by networks twice it was incredibly popular at its original airing date competing against Friends no less, but its fame did not last in the same way.  Paul Haggis, the shows creator / writer / director, had managed to manufacture both a great show and a cult classic in one vehicle.

There is a certain difficulty in being a screenwriter, in terms of recognition, when your work will so often be remembered for the actors who spoke your words rather than the language itself.  Perhaps that is why certain writers took to placing their own name in the title of their works.  There are instances of writers gaining fame from their first bounce onto the big screen.  Consider the amount of coverage and from it, notoriety and respect, Matt Damon and Ben Affleck received from Good Will Hunting.   The same often happens when an actor makes his directorial debut.  Clint Eastwood has now earned equal if not more critical acclaim as a director.  His 2004 work saw Million Dollar Baby win both best director and best picture Oscars, critical acclaim worth being praised for, but guess who wrote the screenplay.

Paul Haggis was born in 1953 in Ontario, Canada.  He moved to Los Angeles at the age of twenty to seek success as a Television writer.  Back home in Canada, he had begun writing and directing plays for his local theatre during the winter months, the summer ones spent working construction with his father.  Haggis claims that it was the reviews he received for his comedy review OW Canada at this theatre that resulted in him being asked to leave the country.  In Los Angeles it reportedly took him three years, two months and 10 days to sell his first TV script but from this first sell it seemed that little would stop him from this point on in his career.

His first break came in a fortunate meeting with the writer of Different Strokes who had just lost his writing partner.  Haggis was given an armchair that had been bought from the Salvation Army instead of cash for his help on an episode, a chair that still sits in his house as a reminder of how he got started. He soon got a call from the show’s producers who had been impressed by his work and asked him to write more for the show.  From here he moved on to greater success as a writer and producer for Thirty Something where he also won numerous television awards.  By some coincidence, he shares the same birthday as action hero Chuck Norris and also wrote the pilot and following episodes of Walker, Texas Ranger.  Haggis is not exactly proud of this credit and said that the fear of being remembered for that show alone motivated him to writer better things. In Due South Haggis appeared to finally emerge from the background, as a recognised name in Television, but he still hadn’t been able to work with the freedom to write about his subjects and in his style.

Things changed in 2004 with the release of Million Dollar Baby. Helmed by Clint Eastwood and starring Hillary Swank and Morgan Freeman the film swept the Oscars board. The story of a female boxer and her trainer, on the surface what appeared to be a typical sporting cliche- underdog lives dream- instead became a story of atonement, forgiveness and hardship. It garnered Haggis his first Oscar.

However it was in 2005 that Paul Haggis really stepped away from his slightly inauspicious beginning and straight into the golden glow of Oscar nominations. He wrote, directed and produced Crash, and adaptation of a JG Ballard novel. Suddenly Haggis was propelled into the lime light as Hollywood went crazy for the film. A dark, taut story of racial prejudice and relationships, Crash had critics falling over themselves with acclaim. This time, rather than the unknown screenwriter, Haggis was also the director and producer.

Ironically, at this time of creative freedom, it was during production on Crash that Haggis suffered a heart attack. He refused to let anyone else complete the film and was back on set within weeks to continue directing. The passion behind this decision is revealed in a statement he once made in an interview: “the worst thing you can do to a filmmaker is to walk out of his film and go, ‘That was a nice movie.’ “  Haggis instead always aims to “cause people to walk out and then argue about the film on the sidewalk.”

On its release Crash immediately gained recognition from the critical film world and after its debut at the Toronto Film Festival it was picked up by Lionsgate films for $3 million and distributed worldwide.  At the Oscars, it was clear that Paul Haggis had long left behind his days of Walker Texas Ranger, becoming the first person ever to write two consecutive Best Picture Oscar winners.

Haggis is a writer first and foremost.  A writer who refuses to compromise on the story he wants to tell and the way he wants to tell it.  There seems to be a myth, one that is certainly heralded by the young, struggling screenwriter, that every person has one great script in them.  Every person has one Citizen Kane or Good Will Hunting in them.  When Crash stole the show in 2004, perhaps some thought that they had witnessed Paul Haggis’s one great story. What seems to be forgotten by many are his quieter writing credits, as the creator of Due South and In The Valley of Ellah, his adaptations for the screen of Flags of Our Fathers and Letters from Iwo Jima directed by Clint Eastwood.  His most recent writing credits coming from his involvement in the re-birth of Bond in Casino Royale and Quantum of Solace. Widely acclaimed as the best Bond movie in a decade, Casino Royale was a deftly managed piece of Hollywood script staple, giving Bond a darker, grittier edge than audiences had ever seen.

(Left: Crash, 2005)

Today Haggis remains a strangely unknown name amongst audiences, given his hand in some of the best films in the last five years.  A writer and director of such skill that you should be wondering with anticipation, what will he produce next?

Several of Haggis’ films will be showing on TV over the Christmas period:

Flags of Our Fathers - Sky Movies Action Thriller  Alert Me

Casino  Royal - Sky movie Modern Greats Alert Me
-Sky Movies Drama Alert Me

Letters from Iwo Jima - Sky Movies Indie Alert Me

By Sam Lane

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BEEHIVE, E4, Wednesday 3rd December, 10.30pm Alert me

Comedy fans take note of the warning sign. The first episode of this sketch show takes half an hour to watch. In that half an hour it would be more fun to actually go to a beehive, single out the queen bee, punch her in the face and then wait directly outside for the response team to arrive. That’s right, getting stung by an infuriated swarm of bees would be less excruciating than this. Getting mauled by a bear would be less excruciating than this. Having a dinner date with Dale Winton would be less excruciating than this.

Apparently this is supposed to be a comedy show, and in fairness about 22 minutes in there is a definite moment where you consider letting out a gentle snigger, but then decide better of it. The one remotely good sketch is stolen shamelessly from the Fast Show (the ‘Suits you’ salesman are almost identically replicated in air stewardess form) and an alarming number of the supposed comedy moments rely on seeing a male penis in a variety of forms (sculptures, pepper shakers, nothing is left un-phallic). This isn’t even done in a clever way and reminds you of when as a school kid, all you did was find amusing places to draw the rude shape, thinking yourself outrageously witty. This show could well be scripted on a homework diary.

Comedy seems to be becoming harder and harder to achieve with new sketch show after new sketch show failing miserably. There is simply nothing to cling to with this effort. Any show that relies on fancy dress outfits to get laughs is not worth watching. The opening sketch is based entirely around a novelty duck outfit. Case closed. It even has the nerve to mock successful shows such as Sex and the City. Maybe make sure your own flies are done up before laughing at someone else’s appearance.

So if you have a spare half hour, wash the dishes, unblock the toilet pipe, go the petrol station and drink directly from the pump, do anything but watch this. If you do have the misfortune of catching any of it, prepare to feel stung.

Craig Woods

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GROWING BABIES: WAR IN THE WOMB, BBC 4, Thursday 4th December, 9:00pm Alert me

Demonic offspring are nothing new. From The Omen and The Exorcist to the walking-talking contraception advert that is the Brady Bunch, it seems we’ve been subliminally told for years that children = evil.

The latest in the Growing Babies series, War in the Womb throws an even scarier slant on the matter and sees Top Child Psychologist Laverne Antrobus investigate the idea of ‘Foetal-Maternal Conflict’. A relatively recent theory, it suggests that from the moment of conception, pregnancy is an intense period of competition between mother and baby which can influence and even prompt physical and mental disabilities in later life.

The thing is, I can’t help but feel I’ve been spoiled by Robert Winstone as I now expect captivating, moustache-twirling genius in every documentary I watch. While Dr Antrobus gets each point across succinctly, she presents with all the gravitas of a wet lettuce; a little frustrating given the fact the subject matter is inherently dramatic.

It’s genuinely fascinating to see pregnancy reduced to its primal roots and the baby adopt a debilitating, parasitic role in its fight to develop. I mean, with the way that babies are described here, it really isn’t too far beyond the realms of possibility to envisage one of the foetus’ bursting through the stomach mid-take before screeching to the heavens and scuttling off beneath the table.

While it makes sure to fill its documentary quota of ‘ooh…aaahh’ camerawork with scenes of phosphorescent sperm and gestating elephant calves, the titular ‘war’ is prevalent throughout and regularly hammered home with a number of lines that wouldn’t sound out of place in a Saw film.

Just prefix everything with “Let’s play a little game. You have ten seconds to decide, otherwise….” and you’ll see what I mean; “A thick mucus barrier will trap the weaker sperm in a vaginal acid bath” or (my favourite) “The wound will be teased by the flowery opening of the fallopian tube. And then it will burst.” Mmm.

While it may take its time in getting to the real meat of the argument, when it does it finally succeeds as an insightful, thought-provoking exploration into one of life’s eternal biological struggles. And if you can’t be arsed to sit through an hour of ‘thinky-television’, just youtube Stewie Griffith from Family Guy who managed to crystallise the entire argument in one easy go with the immortal line:

“Damn you vile woman. You’ve impeded my work since the day I escaped your vile womb.”

By Matt Wrisley

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1. Armin Meiwes

One for all you fans of TV chefs.

Not an obvious choice this, but it could have lead to some sparks flying. For those not in the know, Armin Meiwes was that bonkers German cannibal bloke who knocked up a tasty meal of a willing victim. Bear with me on this. Crap metaphors about willing celebrities and lambs to the slaughter aside, imagine the tension as he polishes up the kitchen knives and volunteers to do all the cooking.

Alright, the ‘I Scream Van’ challenge wouldn’t have been much of a test for old Armie – after scoffing a real life man-person, a crocodile’s cock must seem like a peperami. Probably better for you too. Less easy to get the wrapper off though.

He’d have been useful to have around if anyone pulled a muscle or twisted an ankle too – first in line to offer a tenderising…sorry…tender massage.

Conveniently, his personal, special object from home would have been a large, iron ‘man sized’ cooking pot, borrowed from Bugs Bunny which neatly doubles as a ‘bath’ should anyone be interested in jumping in. With the carrots and potatoes…


2. Gok Wan

Producers missed out on a trick by failing to sign up the fashion advising pig flatterer. No matter how bad Esther looks after 9 days in the jungle, Gok would always have been there to assemble a leafy ensemble and tell her to get her kit off. Girlfriend.

You can be sure than whenever one of the WAGs is getting changed behind a shrub and needing bikini based advice, Gok will always be the first to slip his hand into her bush and help out- was that too far? Nahhhh…

May have had teething problems early on persuading him to wear khaki in the first place.

Never the less, loves camping.












3. Gary Glitter

A popular choice with the public, but Gary was not to take part in any of the Bush Tucker Trials this year.

Should he have been chosen, he would have been there simply as entertainment value: to be dropped into a pit of poisonous snakes and deadly scorpions. From a helicopter.

Britain would have forgotten the credit crunch and chuckled along as his twitching corpse was slowly skinned alive by massive Fosters drinking ants. This is definitely too far…
















4. Bear Grylls

Bit of a cheat inviting an ex SAS man along you might think? Knows how to survive in the bush with only a pencil and a ripped shirt to his name? Wrong.

Scared-y cat mummy’s boy Grylls would have been wailing for his teddy before dark when he realised he’s not actually going to be staying in the 5 star hotel down the road like he does on his action man Channel 4 show.




















5. Russell Brand

The tight trouser wearing ladies man would feel right at home in the jungle surrounded by WAGs and ex-Eastenders and his famous haircut would be easy to maintain as all it requires is for him to be dragged backwards through the nearest bush.

Special Bush Tucker Challenge: Andrew Sachs, dressed as a kangaroo, gets to kick Brand in the bollocks for five minutes straight while a tearful Ant and Dec piss themselves stupid. Answer phone issue resolved. Idiot Daily Mail readers appeased.

Now get Jonathon Ross back on my Saturday morning radio. Please.
















The I’m a Celeb final is this Friday.

By Matt Fancy

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If he does decide to call time on his judging days however, it is likely to leave the show with big shoes to fill (and not because of Cowell’s notorious clumpy, height enhancing heels). With Louis Walsh needing to be accompanied by an adult at all times and Cheryl Cole unable to make the simplest of decisions (Even ’tea or coffee?’ must be a constant challenge), a suitable replacement would have to be found. Potential candidates? Let’s start the rumour mill going. They need to be strict, insulting and slightly irritable as well as having a good ear for a musical note. After all, Cowell famously turned down the Spice Girls, this man knew what he was talking about.

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Oh God. Oh God. There’s definitely something about people crooning right up close in your face that makes you dodge their gaze and shuffle slightly off centre from the TV as you take a rare glance around your lounge bemusedly working out whether the prickly sensation you’re experiencing in your face is wonder or shame. (I’m pretty sure it’s shame.) Singing folk set against backdrops of famous Scottish landmarks make this new advert from Visit Scotland/Event Scotland a true cringe-inducer.

Featuring various figures from the vast spectrum of fame chanting Dougie MacLean’s Scottish anthem, Caledonia, and what with next year marking the 250th anniversary of poet Robert Burns and 30 years after Caledonia was written, the distinct pong of overpowering patriotism is in the air.

Like those rotund guys with harpsichords in wannabe authentic Italian restaurants who make a point of halting the entire place to serenade you and your date by candlelight in their best Italian accents, I don’t know who I’m necessarily more embarrassed for, myself or them? Myself in that I’m actually getting slightly caught up in their semi-powerful vocals and am worried someone might notice (come on, Lulu can belt a tune out), or them and their gross display of earnestness at loving being so damn Scottish.

It’s even worse than, say, X Factor or going to a musical. At least those guys have, like, a stage separating them and you and they’re kind of playing a character aren’t they? Here, what Sean Connery (who incidentally hasn’t lived in Scotland for nearly 50 years) and such like are actually saying is this is us, we’re Scottish, and so clearly amazing. Look how we love to sing about our amazing country. We must really love it. Come visit. Yeah I might, if you shut up and stop embarrassing everyone.

By Susan Allen

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The challenge involved him being dressed in an electric-blue leotard. The producers were clearly aiming to inject a bit of realism into the proceedings. I definitely wasn’t aroused by the leotard, because that would be weird. He put Simon’s bling-white Y-fronts on over it, and, bless him, they were a bit loose. He managed the entire task in as dignified a manner as possible, considering what he was wearing. I was so impressed that I momentarily considered phoning in to vote for him to win, but came to my senses when I saw that all calls cost 50p. 50p! That’s the price of a Curly Wurly, and I’m sorry Joe, but I know where my loyalties lie.

I’m still not used to the ‘I’m a Celeb’ setup. When it came time to decide who would complete the challenge, contestants sat around and decided for themselves who would volunteer. It was all very odd and democratic. Isn’t that what reality television’s all about! Democracy! Yeah! I felt as if they were being treated like real adults, capable of making a sensible and independent decision, rather than as the fluffy-brained jokers that we really know them to be. Every contestant with a soul volunteered themselves, with the proviso that they would galliantly (ha!) step aside and hand over the reins, if another contestant felt a burning desire to put themselves forward. A suicidal contestant with a death wish and a masochistic desire for self-harm.

Why are they all pretending? Volunteering for a challenge is like giving blood. Of course you don’t actually WANT to do it -not unless you really, really like the free biscuits. I got party rings at a blood drive once, that was a real high point in my life. So you don’t want to do it, but you do it anyway, because its the right thing to do, and you know that you have to play your part and contribute as a valued member of society and stuff. David said that he didn’t want to. I’m sure he gave a reason why, but I can’t remember it exactly. It was probably something like ‘because I can’t be bothered’, or,’ because I’ve always wanted to go to hell, and have everybody hate me’. You do already? Result! His choice didn’t go down well with the others - even George said he’d do the task if necessary, and George has Vertigo. Vertigo, David! Oh, forget it. Its like talking to a wall. A selfish wall that nobody recognises, with terrible hair.

David-and-Nicola-gate continues. She has an ally, an unassuming one, but an ally nontheless, in the form of Superhero Joe. David did something to Joe. I didn’t catch what it was butJoe kept talking about how stupidly gullible he had been. Even Ant and Dec were harassing him this week, but he distracted them from their target by flirting with them. They should teach that to the kiddies, instead of this ‘Look! A stranger!’ nonsense.

By Nicolette Smith

When not neglecting her social life and educational development in favour of watching televisual detritus, Nicolette enjoys pretending to be interested in her colleagues children and reading books rather than talking to actual people. She is still young enough to be contemplating getting an offensive slogan tattooed on her person, but old enough to rationalise that this is probably a poorly thought-out plan for the new-and-improved Nicolette of the future.

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While I’m on the subject of interviews, how smug are Ant and Dec? They always have this expression of uttermost superiority, as if the difference in salary between the two of them, and the flurry of evicted contestants that they interview is so vast as to make normal facial expressions inexcusable under the circumstances. I can’t be the only one thinking that it is but sheer luck keeping them on their side of the table. Sheer luck, and inbreeding by those viewers who consistently pay for their television license and regularly vote in the peoples choice awards.

I can safely say that when a woman utters the phrase Good luck to her of an adversary, it is not said with conviction. Esther, speaking about Nicola’s boobs, said: “Now, I’m not criticising Nicola (yes, you are) She knows what she wants in life and she’s going to get it (the slapper!) I say good luck to her. That’s fine.  Those two are the best of friends, then. Esther then spoiled her ode to Nicola by saying: “Human beings don’t naturally come in that shape.” True, but then women don’t normally come in the shape of Martina Navratilova.

In my opinion, Nicolas boobs deserve a numbered T-shirt of their very own. They’ve already garnered a separate birthday celebration. Everyone talks about them in the 3rd person, as if they were an independent entity, rather than a fraction of the whole. No doubt they will go on to have a far more successful career than poor Nicola could ever hope for. She will be left behind, whilst they enjoy the full throttle of the media limelight. She has resigned herself to enjoying her celebrity career vicariously through them, which is just as well, because, lets face it, personality alone would never have carried her to the dizzy heights of I’m a Celeb without their support.

By Nicolette Smith

When not neglecting her social life and educational development in favour of watching televisual detritus, Nicolette enjoys pretending to be interested in her colleagues children and reading books rather than talking to actual people. She is still young enough to be contemplating getting an offensive slogan tattooed on her person, but old enough to rationalise that this is probably a poorly thought-out plan for the new-and-improved Nicolette of the future.

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1. Despite being born in Leeds, Simm is a big fan of Manchester United and often likes to reference this in his character names (Cal McCaffrey in State of Play for example). Not like a Manchester United fan to be based out of Manchester though.

2. He is a big guitar player and began his career singing Elvis’s Wooden Heart alongside his father at a working men’s club. They called themselves ‘Us2’. A modern day X Factor goldmine!

3. John later played in a band that went on two tours with Echo and the Bunnymen.

4. His favorite book is Crime and Punishment. Simm acted in the televised version in 2002.

5. He and his actress wife, Kate MacGowan, almost didn’t marry because they loathed the idea of appearing in Hello! The same reason why Jordan and Peter Andre nearly shied away from tying the knot.

6. Whilst on a stag weekend in Amsterdam, Simm spent a whole day queuing to get into the Van Gogh museum… Sure, a Van Gogh museum, that sounds Dutch enough when pressed for a swift answer.

7. Once dated Emma Bunton but decided to end it and look for a relationship with a bit more spice.

8. Loves ballet.

9. Made his professional stage debut in 1997 at the west London Studio Theatre ‘The Bush’ in Simon Bent’s play Goldhawk Road.

10. As a young actor, he dreamed of being Tom Cruise by the time he was 27. His dreams were shot when he crept over the 5 foot mark.

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Photo by Everett Collection / Rex Features

THE QUEEN’S CORONATION: BEHIND PALACE DOORS, CHANNEL 4, 2ND DECEMBER, 9PM

Television series will go to great lengths to promote themselves won’t they? The Queen’s face has been everywhere recently, money, stamps, postcards, is there any medium left unprinted? Even so, if you’ve already read this weeks Heat and you’re tired of only getting TV gossip from the east end of London, then look no further. The added bonus is that the archive footage and subject matter will make you feel like your not gossiping at all, this is educational speculation now, welcome to the big leagues.

The programme focuses on the transition period between the death of King George VI and the Queen’s coronation on the 2nd of June 1953. What sounds like a simple passing over from father to daughter seems to have more issues than your average episode of Hollyoaks with family squabbles and petty problems left right and centre. Whilst the archive footage, poor reconstructions and one note soundtrack rather lends itself to a typical classroom documentary which would inspire the inevitable paper airplane take offs and front row wedgies, the actual content of the footage is fascinating stuff.

The narrator is backed up on his tales of rift between Prince Phillip and the Queen Mother by supposed insiders who seem to enjoy sitting in front of camera and fuelling fires. Although some have legitimate claim to voice their opinion, others most likely just enjoyed the fact they were part of a programme based around royalty and thus got to use words like ‘orften’ and ‘ratherrr’.

The real star of the show is Phillip. As the Queen seemingly wanted to follow in the footsteps of her Mother and Father’s work, Phillip was the one who really threw the cat amongst the pigeons. Much of the show is based around Phillip trying to establish himself at Buckingham Palace and quirky little stories like the heating being turned off just to force the Queen Mother out make this an enjoyable watch. Plus, as it’s the Queen, it’s pretty much your duty to give it a go.

Craig Woods

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