Sold? Colman’s Proper Disgusting Congealed Meat Bull

Have you seen the Colman’s gravy advert? If you frequently pee yourself in your sleep, then chances are, you probably have. It’s horrific. For those fortunate enough not to have seen it, it goes something like this: as a family sit down to eat their Sunday lunch, a gelatinous beef-flavoured nightmare takes the form of a bull and animates itself across the table to terrify and confuse in equal measure.

Is this the turd-like ghost of a dead cow, whose flesh currently happens to be sitting on mum’s finest dinnerware? If so, it holds no ill feeling for the traumas that it must have experienced at the abattoir. In fact, it seems positively ecstatic as it dances around the table singing, “I like the way you moo,” a play on a song that was very briefly popular with twats in 2005. Read more

Sold? I AM

How do you make viewers want to buy some unnecessarily poncy overpriced pet-food in the agonising doldrums of a crippling recession?

Do everything that could conceivably appeal to the gullible and drooling consumer-driven nation, of course!

First of all, make them think they are buying an Apple product. As long as it utilises Steve Jobs’ complex iconic cult-branding model – whacking an “i” in front of everything all the time – then the fooled viewers will be hankering for it, digging deep into their pockets for money they don’t have, in the hope that IAMS’ new-look packaging descriptor “Proactive Nutrition” means “Interactive Nutrition”, supplying them with the switched-on, interconnected escapism required to shut out the hideous realities of the 21st century, and basically trick them into thinking it has loads of cool apps and stuff.

Second, make it CGI. Build a wise-cracking computer-generated quadruped, and they will come. Living, breathing cats are far too authentic and ordinary to drive a callously cynical commercial agenda, and who even has real cats these days anyway? Give the people what they want – a food that is not too “wet” (as IAMS’ competitor is bizarrely criticised for being) to mash onto a screen in order to nurture their Tamagotchi kittens. Plus it will have the nostalgic appeal of those halcyon hours last week when they went to see that Disney Pixar film at the Acton Vue.

Lastly, use a voice that sounds like Stephen Fry. Rent-an-intellectual Fry perpetually has the public in raptures with his scripted spontaneity and calculated quips. Who else to purchase pet food from than an adorable yet emotionally wounded upper-class Dave comedian? Even better, instruct him to remark “I can’t read” diffidently at denouement, so that gibbering viewers can identify with their benevolent narrator.

Sold!

Follow Anoosh on Twitter @anooshchakelian

Sold? Virgin Do Sexy..

This advert may have been on our screens for some time but its effect is just not waning. No matter how hard I try to dislike its sleek, aspirational, subliminal messages I fall deeper and deeper in love with Virgin.

The ad opens with a marching army of trademark cherry red suits and shoes, belonging to some of the foxiest cabin crew ever known to man. It would be fairly easy to feel outraged at the explicit use of these women in such an overtly sexual and degrading manner. Branson seems to love the idea that “his girls” are lusted after by men the world over. But, somehow, it’s all just too glamorous to get worked up. Not to mention the fact that the girls look way too cool to give a crap which old men are fawning over them.

The men in question are found sliding down the crews’ luggage and cowering under their red stilettos by the way.

In kicks emo-rockers, Muse with their cover of “Feeling Good”. I don’t even usually like these angsty teenage moaners but the extravagant imagery needs an extravagant musical bed buddy, no doubt about it.

The CGI backdrops are reminiscent of an extravagant 90s sci-fi fantasy adventure where an ill conceived is supposedly redeemed by a plot full of glamorous babes, suave men and pretty colours. Branson must have been a fan. It just keeps getting cooler.

Then comes the pilot, striding purposefully down the runway and adorned by two fine hunks of man who appear to be premiership footballers. Again – outrageous, sexist, stereotypical. Where are the female pilots? Why are there only girls screaming after the pilot? Whatever happened to the equal opportunities?…but look how cool they are.

Then comes first degree assault by aspirational imagery. Martinis – check. Expensive food – check. Well dressed associates – check. Exclusive destinations – check. Bespoke service – check.

It is everything Bond would expect from an airline company. The silhouetted figures of dancing naked women twizzle and twirl complete the homage to 007 but it is a clever move by Virgin. Quintessentially British Bond makes the perfect international ambassador for the quintessentially British brand…and they get away with not paying any Royalities.

It would be easy to emerge from this ad and believe that you should never be served by anyone other than a busty blonde or a Clooney doppelganger. But this simplistic approach to what it is to experience luxury makes its narrow-minded, politically incorrect, sexed-up advertising technique a winner!

Sold? Heineken: The Entrance

A man turns up at a party and blows everyone away by being a complete badass. No, not what I got up to last weekend, but the new Heineken advert.

The star of the new Heineken advert must be the most accomplished man in the history of the world; he dazzles everyone at the very swanky party full of foreign dignitaries and diplomats, and a guy doing kung fu.

Initially achieving viral success on Facebook and Twitter before moving to TV, the ad starts out with a man who looks like a homeless Orlando Bloom entering a lavish party and greeting an array of people from around the world. He then gives an obviously delighted, eye-patch wearing sea captain a glass eye – a lesson to you all there: never go out without a spare glass eye.

After wistful look from a lady, he comes face-to-face with a man dressed as a cowboy who looks like someone’s deflated his face, an old west style draw with finger guns makes everyone laugh and realise that being six was the best age.

A fantastic tablecloth trick, another swooning look and he grabs a basketball and pulls off a spectacular long-range shot, although what ballroom has a basketball hoop? Is it a school hall?

Out of nowhere, a bad Jet Li lookalike starts flipping around all over the place and our man grabs a bottle of Heineken and well choreographed attempts to get the bottle off each other in a kung-fu style, impressing bad Jet Li lookalike.

Our man then grabs a flute and gets onstage to play with The Asteroids Galaxy Tour, the band playing the backing track and performing in the ad, then the party really gets going.

The ad manages to get better with each viewing, until you reach five views and then you get bored of this smug man with all his abilities, being invited to a fancy soirée and becoming the darling of the party. If we were invited we’d probably make a grave cultural faux pas or tell an anecdote that’ll offend all the women and spill a drink all over ourselves – there’d be no swooning looks for us.

Sold?: Djalili Haggles For Moneysupermarket

Wouldn’t life be amazing if fat Iranian men popped out of nowhere to save you from wasting money? Well this is the picture that Moneysupermarket.com paint for us in their adverts starring comedian Omid Djalili. Possibly inspired by the shenanigans of GoCompare, the company has taken the humorous route for the new adverts as opposed to their previous efforts – which were pretty lifeless: White background, cheap computer graphics… oh and Peter Jones on a trolley (just making another quick buck). Just as Moneysupermarket.com save us money (apparently), they have now saved us 40 seconds of rubbish by making an entertaining advert with Djalili.

Known for his racial humour, exposé of stereotypes and “Nigerianitis” (the disease where one slips into a Nigerian accent for no apparent reason), Djalili’s comedy blends well with this advert. “In the Middle East there is a name for people who are born without the ability to haggle. They call them, British.” It is apparently due to an “overactive cringe gland”. So true and it certainly has one thinking about losing that haggling phobia. Djalili delivers in his trademark Iranian (or general Middle Eastern) accent with destruction wherever he goes.

The ending comes straight out of the cheese factory with the patent, radiant smile of Djalili and the magical music as he rises “above the high street”. And in classic Djalili fashion, there it is, the switch back to the English accent, haggling to get down from above the high street. One thing that still bamboozles me is: who decided that all price comparison sites would advertise in a foreign accent? There is Gocompare.com with the Italian opera singer, Comparethemarket.com with the Eastern European meerkat and now the Iranian problem-solver for Moneysupermarket.com…

Sold? Tetley Tea Folk Return

Remember Gaffer, Sydney, Archie and Clarence? No us neither.

It’s amazing how quickly the Tetley Tea Folk have faded from memory despite being on telly for 28 years. In 2001 Tetley ditched the flat-capped, proper-northern cartoon creations for ads that focused on the health benefits of a regular cuppa. Now, due to a complete absence of any better ideas, the Tea Folk are back with a new commercial.

It opens with some poor intern doing what interns generally do, that is making tray-fulls of tea. Our newbie is debilitatingly nervous or drugged up or something because that tray’s rattling like a pigeon in a snare drum. But after negotiating a door and the guy fixing the photocopier it’s the office’s smiley blonde bicycle that causes the young lad’s downful: her dumb, vacant smile beckoning him to tread on some tip ex and take a tumble sending the teacups smashing against a wall.

If ever there’s some blaming and claiming to be done it’s right there. Okay so it’s not quite as good a fall as that National Accident Helpline woman who slips on the puddle of urine, causing her handbag to explode with pens – but it’s not bad. Lets hope he broke some bones – there could be a generous payout coming. Not bad for your first day young intern.

I’m not sure of his milk to water ratios but that tea was one strong brew. After smashing against the wall the tea runs down through the floor, round some bends, drips through a tiny hole, never changing colour, never slowing until Bam! Just like the cop who discovered the Fritzl kids we make a shocking discovery. Here, in basement of some office tower, locked in a dusty cupboard – it’s only the ruddy Tea Folk!

So far, so dull and that’s where the ad ends. No doubt we’re meant to eagerly anticipate what’s next for these cartoons pulled nine years ago because everyone got bored of them. Awakened by the special brew Tea Folk Tina exclaims: “Chuffing hell where are we”. Sadly Tina, we couldn’t give a chuff.

Sold?: The Highest Five Ever? Halifax Fail…

What with Jools and her (poo?) stained toast and the (mentally ill?) people sporadically high fiving at random intervals, you would be forgiven for believing that the message of this Halifax ad is that if you work for – or are the customer of – Halifax…you are, most probably, a t*at.

Subsequently, this advert is about as annoying as they come. We begin with some chubby ‘Halifax Breakfast News DJ’ getting pissy with Jools (his co-DJ) for saying ‘Hi’ to all the listeners. (Bit of an over the top reaction, surely?) Old know-it-all reckons Jools should say ‘high five’ to them instead. Right… Then old grumps whacks on some Spandau Ballet and we see various lunatics around the country – or are they Halifax customers? – high fiving whilst kneading bread/waiting at the bus stop.

Sure enough, it doesn’t take long for some joker in the Halifax office to call up the Halifax radio station, pretending he’s an excited listener and claiming that he is going to carry out “the highest five ever” in a dodgy (Russian?) accent. Obviously there are a number of questions which need to be raised following this occurrence. Firstly, has this bloke not learnt from the ITV phone scandal? Surely putting a bin over your head and blatantly lying to customers about being a genuine caller (and then broadcasting it) is just gonna piss people off? Secondly, what the hell is the “highest five ever” anyway? Surely all fives are of equal value….that being, um, five?

After these antics, the original bossy boots retrieves the handy, fake arm he keeps by his desk and high fives Jools. Jools, sensibly, decides to use her real hand. After his earlier, narky behaviour, I reckon she should tell him where to stick it.

Sold?: Milking It

Nothing sells a product like a fluffy wuffy poop-machine. Just ask the ad-men who thought up the Andrex puppy. Or the Dulux dog. Or that singing mutt cruising in the Volkswagon Polo.

As a nation of animal lovers we’re much more likely to put our hands in our pockets for something if it’s appeared on the telly with a less-intelligent life-form (though take note Iceland – Kerry Katona doesn’t count).

Dress the poor creature up in human clothes, give it a voice and you’re on to a winner. I’ve watched the entire series of Life but old Attenborough never revealed that horses talk with a posh accent (thanks Weetabix), labradors love loo-roll and sound like Rik Mayall (Andrex) while meerkats originate from Russia (Comparethemarket.com).

Now two new adverts celebrate the wares of a far from cuddly creature – the cow – but we’re still left in the lurch about what they talk like. Which is important to know, should you ever have to sit next to one on the bus.

In a bid to cut labour costs Anchor butter has employed the bovines themselves not only to provide the milk but churn it into butter, quality assess it and package it up for delivery. Bloody cows, coming over here and stealing our jobs. At least they’ve got good taste in music, selecting a dixie-style cover of Guns N Roses’ Paradise City.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CqoxvvI4I_c

Not all cows have it so hard though. Muller says “thankyou” to its cattle by making their fantasies come true. Apparently Mary has always harboured dreams of being a horse. Even Jimmy Saville couldn’t fix that one but Muller do the best thing and stick Mary on a beach and film her walking quickly – bet she’s well chuffed.

Two great ads but we’re still none the wiser about bovine speech. They’re love of stadium rock and black and white attire would suggest a Gene Simmons like drawl but then their dreams of fame and vacant eyes could mean a Susan Boyle-like Scottish twang.

Either way, try and find another seat on the bus, unless the only other free is next to Kerry Katona.

Sold? Cravendale Ads Are Udder Genius

A cow, a cyclist and a pirate walk into a time machine…

Sounds like the start of a joke but actually it’s the premise for the new Cravendale milk advert. Thanks to the past couple of Cravendale adverts we went on a milk buying frenzy and now we’ve got bones like Wolverine. Try and knock us down, just try!

Made with plastic toys and plasticine, we cannot get enough of these ads, and so to celebrate that fact, we thought we’d share the new ad with you.

You’re welcome.

It seems that we’re not the only the only ones are sold on Cravendale from these ads; according to CampaignLive, since the ads were introduced in 2007, the brand has reportedly grown by £40 million.

After this little gems gets popular, we expect the time machine market to make twice that.

Plus, we found that people love the style of animation so much, there’s an entire film that’s been made just like it. A Town Called Panic is available on DVD now. It’s kind of like Robot Chicken but with worse animation which somehow makes it awesome.

Anyway, we’re definitely sold on Cravendale milk and all it took was painstaking stop-motion animation to convince us.

Sold? Low Low Cheese’s Extreme Mouse Trap

Food and mice? Gasp.

Fallon has launched its first campaign for the Kerry Foods-owned cheese brand Low Low. The commercial features a squealing white rodent boldly bypassing a minefield of traps. Like a little furry Indiana Jones, the mouse spirals through the air in matrix fashion, all for the plate of advertised cheese-on-toast.

This is not a live animal we are talking about. Thanks to CGI, the pest is as precious as Mickey Mouse, except that he does not speak or sing and dance. The little guy merely squeaks. And that is all it takes for us to become enraptured by his quest.

As for what he is after–”the ultimate cheese,” we forget the product the moment our dear protagonist leaps into the picture. The voice-over for “cheese made from semi-skinned milk with a third less fat than cheddar” is muted by a sensational rodent. But just because I secretly wanted the little guy to get snapped by a trap in the end does not mean I did not thoroughly enjoy Fallon’s action-packed advert.


Danielle Jacoby

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