The actor is just one of the celebrities making an appearance in a new show called Dance Off Pants Off (yes really) and when we finally caught up with him, he gave us one of the shortest and sweetest interviews we have ever had the pleasure of typing up.

Oh and what happens on the island, stays on the island (and YouTube).

Hi Paul hope you’re well. Tell us a little bit about Dance Off Pants Off.

It’s a programme where people dance to one of their favourite tracks while taking their clothes off.

Excellent, are you much of a dancer? You must have done some on stage for that pantomime in Preston…

No that didn’t happen in the end, But I used to do a lot of break-dancing when i was a kid so that should give me a bit of an advantage. I’m confident that my performance will be enough to impress the judges, by the end I’m break-dancing naked!

That sounds like great television – we know there were a few other TV personalities on the show. Did you get to meet Big Brother’s Nikki Graham?

Yes I did, she was nice, the Cheeky Girls were good fun as well.

Of course we can’t forget your appearance only Celebrity Love Island – why do you think you were such a popular contestant with TV bosses?

It’s probably because I was such great television.

And maybe because you did such a lot of shouting?

I did a lot of everything mate…

So can you tell us if anything happened between you and Nikki Ziering (one of Danan’s fellow contestants)?

Why are you asking me questions about Celebrity Love Island? All this stuff happened ages ago! I’m here to talk about Dance Off Pants Off….

Sorry Paul. (Hastily ditch the next 10 questions). So what song will you be dancing and taking your clothes off to?

Just Lose It by Eminem.

An appropriate choice. Do you have anything else coming up that viewers need to watch out for?

I’m doing a documentary on giving up smoking soon for Channel 5. Basically cameras are going to be following me and a few other people around for 24 hours a day to see what its like for someone giving up smoking…

That sounds like a good show. Are you a big smoker?

Well yeah, that’s sort of the point of me doing the show isn’t it…

Of course. Many of our readers might remember you as Sol from Hollyoaks. Lets be honest Paul, your character lost it a bit didn’t he – what was your favourite storyline?

Probably the one where he was homeless, that was good fun.

Do you still watch the show these days?

Now and then, but I’m quite busy you know…

Sean Marland

Pants off Dance off – Celebrity Special is on 19th Nov at 11pm on VIVA

Poor old Tony, a heart-attack must have been a picnic compared to a couple of minutes with synonym-happy Papa Vocabulary.

Meanwhile pyro-craziness has spread from London to Yorkshire and Sally scoops an award for her spectacular burning of the Church. She also gets special mention for being an absolute nutter, but no-one else in the sticks seems to have noticed this massive character flaw.

We feel like we’re taking crazy pills here…

After throwing Archie out of The Vic (well he did try to burn it down), Peggy decides to nip over to the old arsonist’s place for a bit of pensioner-love.

“I mustn’t do anything to cause suspicion”, she says before calling Pat to re-arrange their plans.

Pat (who seems to have created a strange little mini-bar in her living room) promptly dials 1471 and is connected to Archie – before you can say “viagra overdose” everyone in the Square knows about their illicit and ridiculous affair.

We can see where Grant gets his brains from…

Over the last couple of weeks, we haven’t been able to go and get a cup of tea without coming back to find that someone in soapland has tried to burn something/someone to the ground.

Sally had another go at murdering her love-rival through her apparent weapon of choice (flames) this week.

Unlike Archie Mitchell she managed to set fire to a whole building before returing to watch her handy-work from the comfort of a playground swing – sadly some killjoys rescue Laurel.

Sally was last seen heading to town to buy a flame-thrower…

As we mentioned last week, the men of Walford have a pretty warped sense of romance. Instead of wining and dining their ladies, they like to commit arson and mug the objects of their affection.

Don’t ask us why – we’re still trying to work out how any of the stall-owners manage to turn a profit when they have a £50-a-day cafe habit.

This week’s Casanova was Jay Brown and when his pathetic mugging didn’t get him a date, he hatched a plan to romance Lucie Beale at the boxing club. It backfired horribly when she caught him with a right-hander that David Haye would have been proud of.

Unlike young Jay – we saw it coming.

When Becks revealed his new Prince Albert look last month, us soap fans definitely recognised the inexplicable beard, rubbish earrings and boyband hair-cut.

Emmerdale’s answer to goldenballs has looked like a homeless version of Blue’s Duncan for years.

If you think he looks weird at the minute, wait until England’s free-kick specialist starts hitting the town with a Zack Dingle beard.

“I fully accept that it was not you, nor the sausages at fault – but me…”

Roy gets humble.

Ian Beale has been absolutely on fire this week. He got dumped, got drunk and then tried to snog Max’s wife. His daughter may be a snide little hormone storm, but she’s got a point – the man is having a nervous break-down.

After deciding to get a makeover to cheer himself up he gets the wrong idea from Tanya, moves in for the kill and gets a glass of merlot in his boat race.

To be honest Ian, we think a hair-cut might be more urgent than a face-pack – looking like Gareth from The Office has never been popular with the ladies.

Sean Marland

But we suppose that working for Phil Mitchell might prepare you for intimidating environments.

When we chatted at the hallowed BBC centre, they seemed concerned about the upcoming Viennese Waltz – we were more concerned about Ricky’s ringtone…

You made it through the dance-off last weekend. You must be keen to avoid being in the bottom two on Saturday…

RG – I think that we did such a good salsa that the judges wanted to see it twice. The further you go in the competition, the more things get thrown at you, now that we’ve experienced a dance-off, I think it will make us stronger. We don’t want to be there again so it’s just a matter of upping the training rate. We’re quite confident about how we’ve done this week aren’t we…

EB – It was difficult at the beginning of the week but it got better as it went by. Now all we’ve got to do is sort out your shoulders…

RG – Most people who can’t dance have a tendency to cling on for your life when you’re in hold as if you’re on some life raft in the middle of the ocean! But we’re getting there…

So what would a normal day of practice be like?

EB – It depends what stage of the week we’re in but normally we’ll train for about five hours a day.

RG – As I said before, the further you go in the programme, the more is demanded of you – now we’ve started to do the It Takes Two programme, so that’s another thing to worry about. Sometimes Erin comes up to mine for a bit of training, then we might end up somewhere around here – we train in Fulham a lot. Ricky Whittle is still doing Hollyoaks so he does a lot of training on Sundays! He’s mental.

EB – Ricky works really hard though, there’s a lot of sweat and energy in that room.

Did you think you were a bit unlucky to be in the dance-off last week?

RG – I went out there to try and entertain with a positive attitude. (Ricky’s phone goes off, appropriately enough his ringtone is Evacuate The Dancefloor by Cascada). Sorry would you excuse me – hello darling I’m going to have to call you back in a bit. Sorry about that. Anyway, I try to get the crowd going a bit and I think that most of the other contestants are a bit more reeled in. This week we’ve got the Viennese waltz which will be a bit more subtle, but with the salsa being a party dance we thought, “let’s go out there and take the roof of the place” – obviously the judges didn’t really see it that way, I think they thought we were trying to show-off. But did I deserve to be there? Maybe in the bottom four – not right at the bottom.

EB – but we were ready and as soon as it was announced Ricky was like – ‘let’s do it’.

Random one here, which judge would you like to have dinner with?

EB – Craig, because I think he’s really funny.

RG – I would like to have dinner round at Alesha Dixon’s house and I wouldn’t do any washing-up!

So whats it like working with Bruce?

EB – It wouldn’t be the same without Bruce.

He’s good for deflecting criticism as well though. It must be difficult to work hard all week and then get savaged by the judges…

RG – Water off a duck’s back mate. Without offending the judges, it does end up almost panto-like at some stages. It would be a very boring show if they just said “I didn’t like that”. They’re very descriptive, one of them said to me that my hands looked like a poodle’s!

When you’re standing in front of the judges sometimes it feels like they might as well just say: “Oh Ricky, we didn’t like that and your ugly, your feet are too big, you smell, you have shocking halitosis and your mum’s a crackhead” – which can shatter your confidence, but you’ve just got to go out there and prove it to them. The thing about Bruce is that he warms up the audience before the show and people at home don’t see that. He sings to them and tells a few jokes, he’s in his element. He’s Mr entertainment!

How difficult have you found the show so far Ricky?

RG – Extremely difficult, these people are absolute athletes. I was over 14 stone when I started the show and I now weigh between 12 and 13 so I’m becoming more defined as the competition goes on, if anything Im grateful to Erin and Strictly for helping me lose that weight! The difficulty really comes in the technicality. I really did think that I had a sense of dancing and a bit of rythm. You do this and it’s like, ‘bang’ this is how you dance. It’s been one of the biggest challenges of my life and I’m pleased to still be here. I think I deserve to still be here because of the effort I’ve put in. Every Monday morning is like a crash course in dancing…

Has it been more difficult than working with Phil Mitchell?

RG – With acting you’re always told that you shouldn’t overemphasise, but in dancing that’s what they do all the time – it’s the complete opposite. Poor old Joe Calzaghe, for the last 20 years people have been telling him to keep his head down and now he’s being told to keep his head up! I’ve actually had a good idea for a programme it’s called ‘Strictly Acting’ and dancers have to do Shakespeare scenes without pivoting anywhere…


Sean Marland

“She’d better have a good reason for leaving,” they grumbled.

Well, from the looks of this exclusive peek into Sci Fi’s much-lauded remake of 80s sci-fi classic V, she did.

Mitchell plays Erica Evans, an FBI agent who’s suspicious of the Visitors who have come to Earth spreading what seems to be a message of love, peace and very very attractive people.

We’ve already seen the first episode, and if you love your sci-fi, you’re going to be hooked.

Unfortunately, the same cannot be said of the OTB fireworks party which ended with a trip to A&E and a stiff warning from the fire department – everyone knows you don’t go back to a lit firework.

As Archie found out last Friday, you should never go back to the scene of a crime either – that’s what we call a game-changer people.

What the hell is going on at the Kabin?

After a series of questionable staff-members, Norris hires his long-lost twin to help run the only corner-shop in the country with a higher staff-turnover than a suicide bombing firm.

It didn’t surprise any of us when the doppelganger introduced himself as Horace – after all these are the rhyme-loving writers that created Sheila Wheeler – and it turns out that unlike his morbid predecessor (winner of last week’s Worst New Character award) our rhyming side-kick is just as wacky as his new boss.

“Norris and I look nothing alike,” he says to Ken and his grandson, apparently unaware that they look more similar than those god-awful leprechauns on X Factor.

Peggy Mitchell has been gallivanting about the town and building up debt like a third-year student desperate to capitalise on the last months of uni, so it was no surprise that she ended up snogging her worst enemy on Friday (we’ve all been there).

Archie Mitchell hasn’t got too much time left in the Square himself, but there are storylines left in the old dog yet, and if you thought he was just going to wait around for what will no doubt be a very mysterious death – think again.

Last week he tried to chat-up Peggy by burning down The Vic – and it worked!

That’s romance Walford style!

We have always admired Gail Platt here at OTB. For a woman who looks like she has wandered off the set of Planet of the Apes, she gets a lot of action.

But she doesn’t have a very good track-record with men though, and after her last husband tried to kill her (which tends to put a dampener on any relationship), so this time she has decided to play it safe and jump into bed with a recovering drug-addict.

Priory Joe has a boat though – which is handy because he might not have a house by the end of next week – and that’s where he decides to pop the question.

At least her family are alright though – wait.

It seems to have escaped the attention of everyone in the square that Syed and Christian are gayer than the volleyball scene in Top Gun.

Everyone apart from the omen-like offspring of Ian Beale that is – the phrase ‘chip off the old block’ could have been thought up for this girl.

Last week she tried to make a few quid by blackmailing the masala queen with a series of letters created from a copy of Just Seventeen, and all so she could rub it in Jay’s homeless face. But that just got us thinking about who the worst father figure would be – Billy Mitchell or Ian Beale?

Tough one.

If they hadn’t slept with so many of them, we would say that the Home Farm ruling-class have always had a turbulent relationship with the white-trash in Emmerdale village (the Dingles).

So it’s little surprise that the unwashed masses led by a particularly dirty Zak Dingle ended up burning effigies of their land-owning oppressors – the peasants revolt?

Usually when we mention the word ‘wit’ in the same sentence as the name Ian Beale, it is preceded by the word ‘half’ – but not this week.

Jane Beale – “We can go visit little George…”
Ian Beale – “He’ll be big George if he’s anything like his mum.”

Sean Marland

Last year’s first episode of Ruby – a show which tracked the progress of the huge woman’s battle against her bulge – was the “most-watched season premiere in Style Network’s history” – so it’s not too surprising to see the show returning this winter.

We talked to her about Jamie Oliver, meeting the President and what it feels like to be told that you could be dead within a month…

Your programme was one of the most successful shows ever, why do you think you have been so popular with the American public?

It really shocked me at first, but I think people were able to connect with my honesty. It just shows how many people out there are suffering – not only from obesity but from a range of addictions – and are looking for some sort of help.

Do you get recognised on the street nowadays?

I do! It was so weird at first but so many people all across the country have started approaching me. People would come up to me in tears because they’ve been making changes in their own lives after seeing the show. They said that I was keeping them going – to be honest they help me keep going!

It must have been a great feeling to know that you were helping people in a similar position to you…

It’s amazing. I have four different Facebook accounts now just so I can keep up with everyone! I had kids sending me videos of them explaining that they used to cut themselves and for the first time they’re getting help because they see what I’m going through. It makes me so happy to see people seeking the help they need.

What has been the hardest thing for you to face on your weight-loss journey so far?

I wanted to find out why so many people were suffering from this problem. We have every diet product you can imagine on the market, so why were things not getting any better? Originally I thought it was similar to drug addiction but I found out that the two problems were exactly the same. The worst part for me was finding out that 75% of it was a mental problem. I was always happy before, but when I went to see a therapist I was crying after 3 minutes. I didn’t realise how deeply-rooted these problems were until then.

How did you feel when the doctor said that you would die if you didn’t lose weight?

When I weighed 500lbs I felt myself dying – I felt like my body was breaking down. It seemed like there was no way I could beat this. I was like “I’ve been trying to beat this since I was 13 years old, how can I do it now.” He told me: “You could die tonight, you can’t even get your heart checked because we don’t have a table that is capable of supporting you”. Sometimes I used to wake up gasping for air – it was almost like I was nearly about to stop breathing in my sleep! He said: “Yes that’s part of this – it can happen”. That scared me to death!

What are you looking forward to doing most when you get down to your goal-weight?

I’m looking forward to looking someone straight in the eye and telling them that they can do what I have done. I can hardly imagine actually being there, I get chills just thinking about the moment when I conquer this thing once and for all.

What are we going to be seeing in the second series? Are there any twists to look out for?

People are going to see me do things that I have never done before and they’ll see a lot of my dreams come true. I ride a horse for the first time in my life and they’ll see my ex-boyfriend come back into my life. He couldn’t deal with my weight before and loads of people gave him a hard time for that, but I understood. Men love with their eyes and women love with their hearts, I believe that’s just the way it is.

So what do eat normal day at the moment?

I have a cup of oatmeal or toast with sun-dried tomatoes for breakfast and maybe grilled pork chops or grilled fish – which I would never have eaten before – later on. Basically I’m eating everything that I didn’t have before. I miss spaghetti and sweets, but I don’t think I’ll ever be able to eat sweets again. They really are my trigger…

Have you learned a lot about cooking? Do you think a lack of cooking skills might be one of the reasons for people becoming obese?

I had never cooked ever! But just learning how to cook has helped me so much. I had never eaten healthy food at all – I’m not kidding. I never knew that there were so many healthy options, but I love them now. It’s amazing because your palate will change if you persevere with different flavours.

Why do you think that so many people in America (and now Britain) have weight problems?

Everyone is trying to get a quick fix. People think that healthy food is too difficult and expensive – which used to be my excuse. But it costs people so much more later in life if they have health problems. One of my friends died from a heart-attack at 45 years-old and there are thousands of deaths like that every year. We need to let people know how dangerous obesity is.

There’s a British celebrity chef called Jamie Oliver who has been campaigning against junk-food and obesity for a few years now, do you think that one day you could be a national figure-head like that?

Oh definitely! I want to meet with the President and start a programme to get this message across because people are dying. I read that this generation of children could die before their parents and that’s pretty scary. All the stuff out there at the moment doesn’t seem to be working…

Sean Marland

Ruby is premiering Tuesday 10th November at 10pm on The Style Network (Sky Channel 253)

One pair who will be sweating bullets to avoid another dance-off are Flavia Cacace and actor Craig Kelly.

We were delighted when they took time out of their Jacko-like rehearsal schedule to chat to us about Brucey, Titanic and what the hell Craig’s Corrie character did with all Rosie’s money…

After being in the dance off twice, you’ve been described by some as the competition underdogs. You must be keen to shake-off that status…

CK– It’s a tough one because part of me likes the underdog tag, hopefully people might be rooting for us a little bit. I’m certainly keen to prove some of our critics wrong by working harder to reach my potential. I’ve done that in the training room, but I’m just not quite hitting it when it matters. However, I think the waltz was probably my best performance so far, so we’re getting closer. Now we’ve reached Blackpool I feel like the pressure is off a bit. I’m going to approach every dance as if it’s my last and start enjoying the experience.

Do you think that any of the judge’s comments have been unfair?

CK – I take it with a pinch of salt.

FC – I don’t think all of the comments have been fair, but they all disagree.

CK – Len has stuck up for us recently…

FC – But that’s what Strictly is all about, and a lot of them have been constructive comments, obviously there’s the odd one that we don’t really understand but that’s just part of the show.

CK – I think we’ve somehow got to get Bruno back on-side. He seemed to think that I had a bit of potential because he had been quite kind up until last weekend when he really started to turn the screw on me.

FC – I think he’s just trying to get the best from you…

CK – But its great TV, he says I can’t do it and then Len comes to my rescue. Craig Revel Horwood has always said ‘there’s a dancer hidden in there’ it’s just a matter of finding him.

FC – We had a slow start because of the nerves, but Craig can definitely dance. Every single week there’s a subtle improvement – which is maybe why the public are behind us.

If you don’t win the competition, who would be your tip to take the title?

CK – They’re all so good. Ricky Whittle is brilliant and definitely the one that everyone is trying to beat. He’s a nice hard-working lad so he’s the red-hot favourite. But this year there are so many good dancers. We don’t see ourselves in that sort of league, but we’re still here!

FC – Our original target was to get to Blackpool and we’ve achieved that, so from now on we’re just taking it one week at a time.

How difficult is it choosing the correct choreography? Are you tempted to keep it simple at this stage?

CK – (laughs) Have you ever kept it simple?

FC – To begin with it was quite difficult because the first couple of routines were challenging. But it’s not easy to pick choreography that you know will work well and look effective.

Have you considered throwing the odd back-flip into the routine?

CK – I can actually do the moonwalk really well but I was pipped to the post by Ricky!

Ricky Whittle actually said that he wanted to do a Hollyoaks musical, is there any chance of you appearing in a Coronation Street musical Craig?

CK – Hey why not? What a great idea. They talked about doing a Queer As Folk musical and I think these days you can make one out of anything. Corrie the musical would be rather brilliant, let’s get someone to write it and do the songs. I would be right up for that.

Can you tell us if there is any romance going on between any of the other contestants?

CK – (laughs) Of course – it’s all going on.

FC – We only really get to see them on a Friday and it’s a hectic day with costume fitting, press and then our time in the studio on the dance floor. When we do see them, everyone’s in their own corner and someone’s telling the other person off or whatever…We’re all the same really.

So you don’t get to spend much time with Brucie then?

CK – Unfortunately not.

FC – It’s a real shame because he’s so supportive. He’ll come up to you and offer you encouragement. He’s lovely.

CK – He’s a legend! Just the way you see him on TV.

After last weekend when Zoe Lucker left there was a bit of controversy because she was one of the better dancers. Do you think some people take it a bit too seriously?

CK – I think so, because it’s just supposed to be a bit of fun.

FC – Yeah it’s a fun family show. We get cards from small children who love it and letters from grandparents, it’s just about everyone enjoying themselves. It was sad when Zoe left because she was very good. But that’s Strictly, so unless you take away the public vote it’s always going to be like that.

CK – But that’s what makes it interesting. At the end of the day it’s a TV show.

FC – Only a small percentage of the public have real experience of ballroom. Even some of the judges don’t have a ballroom background…

Craig, your Corrie character (Luke Strong) recently left the street with a load of Rosie’s money. Are we going to be seeing you again or is Luke gone for good?

CK – Never say never, but I’ve not got any plans to come back at the moment. He was a bit of a chancer wasn’t he Lukey boy – so I don’t think you’ll be seeing him any time soon…

We’ll have to console ourselves by enjoying your fantastic cameo in Titanic a couple more times…

CK – Yeah at the time I was only 26 and I got to spend three months in Mexico. That was great.

But without your character the other ship wouldn’t have turned up to save (some of) the passengers…

CK – That’s true and if they’d listened to my character in the first place they wouldn’t have hit the iceberg because he was trying to give them the ice warnings! In reality, they didn’t get as many warnings as they should have because they were sending out private messages. In fact my character sent the first ever SOS in history. I was quite proud of that.


Sean Marland

When he left Weatherfield, Craig passed up his last chance of winning a prize in the prestigious OTB Soap Awards ™. He didn’t say so, but we could tell he was gutted…

At 41, she is best known for her roles on the television series Home Improvement, Baywatch, and V.I.P. Then there is the eleven-time record for Playboy Magazine cover, and the fact that she is the most downloaded woman on the internet.

And what is one of People Magazine’s 100 Most Beautiful People in the World up to these days? Kicking it with Joe Swash, of course. So, to help you brush up on your Pammy know-how, we have compiled a list of things you might not have known about the mother, actress, entrepreneur, and sex goddess.

1. Anderson married her third husband Rick Salomon between acts, assisting Hans Klok in his 2007 Las Vegas magic show. She has recently petitioned the courts to annul her marriage.

2. Pamela made a homeless man happy in Dublin by giving him $35,000 in July 2006 for the Dublin AIDS charity Open Heart House.

3. A vegetarian in her early teens when she saw her father cleaning an animal he had hunted, the PETA spokesperson opened Prime 333 steakhouse in April 2009.

4. Pammy entered the 2008 Australian Big Brother house of a three-day visit.

Will Poulter for instance seems to have found a happy balance between film and television – and he he’s only just finished his GCSEs.

So we talked to the young star of the Channel 4 show School of Comedy – which has its series finale on E4 this Thursday – about Voyage of the Dawn Treader (his new film), Son of Rambow (his old film) and whether or not Eustace Scrubb deserved it.

The School of comedy DVD is scheduled for UK release next month, did you enjoy making it?

It was so much fun, we all had the best time. We felt so lucky to get an opportunity to be in a TV series. It was just such an amazing experience and most of us had been a group of really close friends for years which made it even more fun.

As one of the more famous people on the new show, was there much rivalry on set?

I don’t think I’m famous at all. School of comedy is the only reason I was ever able to act and I am so gratetful for that. We have been a group for 6 years and we’re all the same.

This is the second comedy show you’ve been involved in – you’ve obviously developed a taste for making people laugh. Are there any comedians/comedy actors you admire?

There are so many comedians I love, particularly Russell Howard and Tim Minchin. They’re two performers I really look up to, they’re incredible comedians and are such intelligent observationalists. We got a chance to see both of them when we all went to Edinburgh.

The Comedy Lab has famously been the starting point for many successful comedy shows. Have you got any ideas for your own show?

No not really, I have just been so lucky to be part of School of Comedy and that Laura (Creator and Series Producer) gave us all this opportunity when we were so young I have so much to thank her for.

You’re filming The Chronicles of Narnia: The Voyage of The Dawn Treader in Australia at the moment, how’s that going?

Its really good fun thank you, I’m really enjoying myself but I am missing home quite a bit, especially my family and friends. Although I will be sad to leave I will be really pleased to be home for Christmas.

Your character, Eustace Scrubb, isn’t very well behaved and of course you played the ‘most badly behaved kid in school’ in Son of Rambow. How do you keep getting these type of roles?

I know, I would really like to play a nice character for once! I feel quite bad about having to play those characters and I hope there is no one like Eustace Scrubb!

The famous introduction in the book by CS Lewis is: “There was a boy called Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved it.” Would you say that’s a fair evaluation of your character?

Absolutely. He is a complete brat, he’s obnoxious, rude, selfish and cowardly and has no respect for anyone other than himself. However he does become a much better adjusted person at the end of the book.

As a 16-year-old we’re sure that you haven’t seen all of the Rambo films - but which one have you heard is the best?

I watched First Blood because that was the inspiration for Lee Carter and will Proudfoot’s film (in Son of Rambow). It was brilliant and it was clear to see how it could inspire a couple of young kids.

Sean Marland

The mite hasn’t even started revising for his GCSE mocks yet and at this rate, his exam failure is about as predictable as the annual soapland firework safety plot-line.

So which character’s turn is it to get third-degree burns in the name of public welfare this year?

Who says romance is dead? After seeing Corrie newbie Jake risk imprisonment for a quick smooch, certainly not us.

The buff handyman quite literally dropped in on the bar-maid as she enjoyed a bath with a bit of Fleetwood Mac, and when her towel fell off, he did what every self-respecting man with a pair of eyes would have done – he gives her a proper snog.

Nice one son!

Unfortunately for Jake, Michelle plays ultra hard-to-get and called the fuzz when he continued his rooftop vigil later that day.

But an afternoon in the cells only strengthened Romeo’s resolve and after streaking into the Rovers he finally got his girl…

When it comes to fools, Ricky Butcher would give Forrest Gump himself a run for his money.

If it wasn’t for strict OTB Soap Awards™ rules regarding one catergory per entrant, he could have scooped a prize in for best quote last week when he tried to reassure Sam: “…you’re no thicker than me love.”

Praise indeed.

Anyway, while his sister was shacking up with Ryan and his noseless fiancé was romping with that bent copper Jack Brannigan, he was sitting in the Vic with his pathetic cake having a one man party.

We spot a reunion with Bianca in the pipeline. Poor girl.

What a way to go – slumped outside a knickers factory like a man looking for his contact lens.

Unfortunately for Tony Gordon when his cold heart finally packed up, the only people around were a bunch of boy-racing chavs and Ozzie the dog, neither of whom were much use to him.

Was that a smirk we saw on Ozzy’s chops? What goes around comes around Tony…

With half the cast out of work, you could be forgiven for thinking that when Norris advertised for a shop-assistant the queue of applicants would be longer than a Sunday afternoon omnibus.

Kirk we’re talking to you…

The fact that the owner of the Kabin had to hire someone who didn’t live on the Street tells you just what an annoyingly camp little man he is (the ridiculously named Sheila Wheeler having been sacked recently).

Surely he could have employed someone who averages more than 3 syllables per hour.

She may have a nominal role on the street, but she does provides us with another example of soap-writers’ capacity for fun when handing out names – JK Rowling would have been proud of this one.

Kelly thrust herself into the spotlight last week with this horrific little number. It’s like the Riddler left a red sock in the wash…

Charity Dingle: “Who do you think you are? The Mayor?”
Nicola De Souza: “At least I’m not a dirty mare!”

Ah the legendary De Souza wit (well half of it).


Sean Marland

Fresh from robbing all of Rosie’s cash, Corrie’s Craig Kelly isn’t doing to badly in this year’s Strictly Come Dancing. We met up with him and Flavia Cacace for a quick chat…