Knock knock. Who’s there? Doctor. Doctor Who? Matt Smith

So the BBC has finally announced the identity of the next actor to call the tardis home sweet home. Matt Smith has been cast in the role of the Doctor in Doctor Who.

Bravely taking the baton from David Tenant, who is currently treading the boards in between back complaints with the RSC as Hamlet and will go on to TV pastures new at the end of 2009, Smith will be the 11th Time Lord and appear on our screens in the fifth series in 2010.

The Tardis’ fifth outing will not only have a new lead actor at its helm. It will also feature a brand spanking new lead writer in the form of the BAFTA award-winning writer Steven Moffat. Due to take over from Russell T Davies, he is to be joined by a fresh Executive Producer for BBC Wales, Piers Wenger.

Matt Smith, who appeared alongside Billie Piper in Phillip Pullman’s The Ruby In The Smoke said of his new role: “I’m just so excited about the journey that is in front of me. It’s a wonderful privilege and challenge that I hope I will thrive on…The challenge for me is to do justice to the show’s illustrious past, my predecessors, and most importantly, to those who watch it. I really cannot wait.”

Neither can we Matt. Show us what you’ve got.

Forget IMAX, Forget Smellovision, Forget Internet Streaming….. The Future Of Television Is Here!

Do you find your 2-D HD-Blu-ray Television just isn’t enough? Do you want to crap yourself every time a cricketer slams a six into the crowd? Do you think that cardboard eyewear is an underrated fashion?

Well dream no more, because Sky has announced it has developed technology that would beam 3D images straight out of your television and INTO YOUR BRAIN. Sky said that if the demand is there, they would begin to roll out the service over the next few years, starting with Drama and Sport programmes.

Imagine not only watching Phil Mitchell’s beautifully spherical head, but being able to practically stroke it! The future is truly here, ladies and gentlemen.

Sky would provide viewers with free polarised glasses to bring the service to life.

Dignity not included.

Is there a Doctor in the building?

The Doctor is back on his feet.

David Tennant has taken the first step towards recovery after going through surgery to have a slipped disk in his spine corrected. He was seen up and about in East London yesterday. The injury has put him out of commission in the middle of his highly acclaimed run as Hamlet, and he’s declared his enforced absence to be “hugely disappointing” - a fair assessment of the fans’ point of view, as well. Fear not for the production, though, as Tennant’s understudy Edward Bennett has stepped into the role with some aplomb, despite only finding out he was to play the part three hours before curtain up on the opening night in the West End.

Tennant’s slated to be filming 1939, “a mysterious tale set around a traditional British family on the eve of World War Two”, with Stephen Poliakoff and an interesting looking cast including Jeremy Northam, Christopher Lee and up and comer Juno Temple, but judging from his hobble yesterday it looks like he might be taking a break.

Woss Wepwimanded With Wishy-Washy Wules

Well. It looks like Jonathan Ross is well and truly screwed.

Chatshow host Ross will face talks today over the ‘Sachs-gate’ scandal that saw Russell Brand and Radio 2 Controller Lesley Douglas resign amidst the furore.

The Sun has reported that Ross will be banned from swearing and being smutty with guests.

Which would pretty much leave an hour of 4 Poofs and a Piano and Ross’ relentlessly obsequious diatribe.

Senior BBC chiefs will apparently sit Ross down and explain to him quite why comedy should not be subjective, individual or daring and why it is of utmost important to ensure that whatever is said or enacted, it is within the BBC’s responsibility to safeguard the ears and eyes of Miss Fawning, 67, Daily Mail reader of Colchester.

The rules are also expected to apply to his Radio 2 show which returns on January 24.

If these restrictions truly come into effect then I think Russell Brand’s decision to leg it while the iron (or receiver) was hot was a brilliant idea. He’s off swanning around the world filming movies and groping groupies, while Ross could very well be reduced to a mere comedic ghost of his former self.

Hallelujah! Alexandra Won X-Factor!

The Wombats and Peter Kay might as well be releasing three minutes of harmonised farting, because after Alexandra Burke’s snot-filled but oddly rousing performance of X-Factor’s Winners Song on Saturday evening, there is simply no way Simon Cowell won’t be adding yet another Christmas Number One to his collection.

After weeks of singing, dancing and enough crying to spark serious biological concerns over her tear ducts, deserved-winner Alexandra blew the house down with her rendition of Leonard Cohen’s (and more appropriately Jeff Buckley’s) classic ‘Hallelujah’, taking the title of X-Factor Winner 2008.

With this year’s show over, producers have finally released the live shows’ voting figures, and it’s incredibly surprising. Eogan Quigg, who thankfully finished third, won six out of the ten weekly live shows (damn you High School Musical!), while Alexandra had won only one of the weekly heats before last night.

Yet Alexandra’s popularity had soared so much in recent weeks that Saturday’s performance saw her win with a comfortable 58% of all votes cast.

Disgruntled indie-emo boppers have started a petition to get Buckley’s superior version to the number one spot and it’s already debuted at number 30 on downloads alone. But with 15 million viewers seeing her win and the Cowell media machine behind her, we’re betting on Alex for the festive number one spot.

Desperate Housewives To Last Nine Seasons?

Wisteria Lane is not unlike the world of television: just the faintest whiff of a rumour can quickly escalate until everyone’s screaming, shoes are thrown and before you know it, people are being manacled in suburban S & M basements.

Where do you think Noel Edmonds went for all those years?

E! Online reports that the latest rumour to emerge from the Housewives camp is that creator Marc Cherry has told his cast and crew that the show could go on for nine seasons – leading us all the way up to 2013.

Nothing has been confirmed (contracts for a renewal to Season 5 still haven’t been signed yet), but the news is still surprising when you consider that Cherry spoke earlier this year about how he wanted the show to finish after Season 7.

Many shows have buckled at the pressure of needlessly tacked-on seasons (X-Files, Ally McBeal, Alias), so we hope Cherry manages to overcome the dollar signs currently ka-chinging across his eyes and ends the show when it feels right.

Frank comes to the gogglebox

The BBC have announced that its adaption of Anne Frank’s diaries is to air in January 2009. The series, which started filming in October 2007, has finally been found a slot in the new year schedule and will show in five half-hour increments.

The team behind the new show is fairly illustrious. Jon Jones seems to be making a habit of taking people’s personal diaries and laying them bear for all to see, having previously directed the Alan Clark Diaries, and Deborah Moggach is the BAFTA nominated screenwriter who adapted Pride and Prejudice for the big screen in the 2005 Kiera Knightley version.

In front of the camera, the names are perhaps a little less well known. 18 year old relative newcomer Ellie Kendrick is to star as Anne Frank, supported by talents like Tamsin Greig of BBC stalwart the Archers as well as anarchic comedy Black Books and journeyman actor Iain Glen, who has appeared in everything from Lara Croft and Kingdom of Heaven to Resident Evil and…um…Gorillas in the Mist.  We are reserving judgement.

Quote Of The Week: Eoghan Quigg a ‘gimp’

This man deserves a medal.

First, Chris Jones put up with X-Factor starlet Diana Vickers for eight months. A woman so sickeningly cute she could make Bambi look like Pol Pot, and whose ‘spazz hands’ and asthmatic singing would drive even the most patient man insane.

Vickers summarily got it on with fellow contestant and walking ‘Troll Doll’ Eoghan Quigg (dyslexic parents can really make life hard, can’t they?), allegedly throwing Jones out quicker than a pair of her arty-farty plimsolls.

But rather than take it lying down, Jones has hit back, telling a friend on Facebook that Quigg is a “gimp” and he has nothing to worry about as the pair are “just friends.”

After Vickers eviction on Saturday night, Quigg is one of only three acts left in the competition. Jones rather subtly dug the boot in further when he wrote “JLS to win - come on boys!”

Whatever happens with the love triangle, Jones can rest easy knowing that unlike many politicians, lawyers and presidents of state, he was able to accurately voice the mood of the entire nation with just a couple of carefully chosen words.

Peep Show Duo Writing New Show

Rejoice, for two of UK television’s brightest hopes have announced they’re writing a new programme.

That rejoicing might become a little tempered though when you hear they’re writing a sitcom for the BBC. Name one good BBC sitcom of the last five years.

And if anyone says ‘My Family’, I’ll personally track down your IP address, hunt out your workplace/home/internet café and beat you around the face with the dismembered head of Robert Lindsay, who I’ve just bludgeoned to death due to the sleeper agent blood-rage that descends upon me every time I hear the ’should-be-illegal’ combination of ‘Good Sitcom’ and ‘My Family’ in the same sentence.

That said, if anyone can pull it off, it’s David Mitchell and Robert Webb. The geniuses behind Channel 4’s Peep Show are currently writing ‘Playing Shop’ for BBC2 and at least the set-up is looking suitably promising.

The pair will play Eric and Jamie, friends who go into business together after they’re made redundant, equipped only with computers, stationery and what they describe as “a blogger’s contempt for the rest of mankind”.

Oh, and their office is a garden shed.

Fingers crossed.

Human Action Man Bear Grylls Injured In Antartica

Well it had to happen sooner or later.

After numerous shows that have seen the borderline mental Bear Grylls push the boundaries of human endurance, the ex-SAS adventurer has been forced to fly home after a nasty injury sustained whilst on an Antarctic trip to raise funds for charity.

The 34-year-old presenter, who first found international fame with the series ‘Man vs. Wild’, is widely-known as a modern-day MacGuyver for his fondness in regularly dropping himself in the most dangerous, crazy situations possible with nothing but the clothes on his back for survival.

Ironically, Grylls was not injured whilst filming for a new show. Bear was taking part in an expedition for Ethanol Ventures to promote the potential of alternative energies when he fell and fractured his shoulder, causing ‘the bone to burst through the skin’. The Antarctica expedition was also intended to raise money for Global Angels, an international charity that champions the needs of children.

Let’s hope the moment is televised. After repeated accusations that he’s actually a big girly wuss who regularly fakes his own shows, this could be the moment where he wins back serious man points – that is, as long as he doesn’t cry, wince, flinch, moan or whimper when it happens.

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