I’m A Celebrity (Reviewer) Get Me Out of Here: Day 19

Well - Joe won. Now what?

Now, presumably, I can recover my social life. I went to a Christmas dinner on friday night, and the host told me that Esther Rantzen was going to be the guest star at her christmas work do. It was all worth it then, eh Esther! I went to a ball recently, and got Colin Salmon as the guest celeb of the evening. You know! Colin Salmon! He was in ‘Resident Evil’! He got his head cut into cubes by a lazer with a mind of its own! No? I didn’t know who he was, either. He was very tall though, for the record. Bizarrely, on his table he had one of the actors from ‘Doctors’. Anway, now that Joe’s won, what are they all going to do? We all know that Esther hasn’t gone on to bigger and better things. Not unless things improve significantly after my friend’s christmas work do, anyway. Will they go on to release ‘Biff Baff Boff’, do you think? I reckon they will. Record producers all seem to be sadists, to me. …Read More

I’m A Celebrity (Reviewer) Get Me Out of Here: Day 18

Apparently a new gun has been designed, targeted specifically at the elderly. Not targeted to wipe them all out, you understand, but designed for them to use. About  time! I know that my Grandfather for one has been twiddling his fingers for years now waiting for just such an artefact to be born. Now they’ll take him seriously at the Post Office when they mess up his pension cheque. Apparently the weapon will be available on prescription. How odd. Never mind, I’m sure that, a few years from now, we’ll all be readily embracing the concept of violence on prescription. I can’t help thinking that this new invention was something of a missed opportunity for the ‘I’m a Celeb’ septuagenarians – George is gung ho enough to embrace new technology, and I reckon Esther would have relished the opportunity to exert some crowd control using an NHS-prescribed semi-automatic. …Read More

I’m A Celebrity (Reviewer) Get Me Out of Here: Day 17

Wow. Did you see Joe complete his task on Tuesday? For the first time since the series began, I was genuinely impressed. He had to scale a giant telephone pole, and pick up stars fixed to it along the way. Thats right, a telephone pole. In the jungle. The jungle where David found a cupcake on the floor. Are telephones used in the jungle much? I guess spiders are more evolved than we give them credit for. There’s a mutant spider in my room that’s been watching me for three months. I’m being stalked by a spider. A spider that knows my bank account details. Joe’s final star was at the very top of the telephone pole, and believe me, it was HIGH. I took one look at it, and thought: not a chance, mate. He won’t even manage the second star. I ate my words, ate them doused in tomato ketchup. Delicious. He managed all 6 stars AND came in under time.

The challenge involved him being dressed in an electric-blue leotard. The producers were clearly aiming to inject a bit of realism into the proceedings. I definitely wasn’t aroused by the leotard, because that would be weird. He put Simon’s bling-white Y-fronts on over it, and, bless him, they were a bit loose. He managed the entire task in as dignified a manner as possible, considering what he was wearing. I was so impressed that I momentarily considered phoning in to vote for him to win, but came to my senses when I saw that all calls cost 50p. 50p! That’s the price of a Curly Wurly, and I’m sorry Joe, but I know where my loyalties lie. Read more

I’m A Celebrity (Reviewer) Get Me Out of Here: Day 16

Now that Brian’s gone, what am I supposed to do? First they took Timmy. Then they took Esther. Who’s next? And why aren’t the remaining contestants concerned about the disappearances? No one has said anything. It’s as if nothing out of the ordinary has happened. If a small, photogenic child in your village suddenly disappeared, a nationwide manhunt would be launched. No single, bearded loner living in an isolated cabin within a 20-mile radius would be safe from the collective vitriol and accusation spawned from the crime scene. But a couple of celebrities go missing in a jungle, and nobody cares. I’m just saying: it’s double standards.

With Brian now gone as well, I feel as if ITV has hired a professional marksman to deftly take down, one-by-one, the very jungle characters that I enjoy tormenting the most. On the plus side, Brian’s eviction meant that we were treated to some truly glorious post-jungle interviews. Brian claimed that he found that the whole jungle experience tedious. How funny! So did we! Bri continued, saying: “It gets pretty tedious, if you don’t get a trial or you don’t get a celebrity chest to do you’re just sitting around doing the same thing”. Don’t worry Brian, no need to clarify, it didn’t go unnoticed that you were tedious.  Read more

I’m A Celebrity (Reviewer) Get Me Out of Here: Day 15

ITV should be paying me commission. Since I’ve started reviewing ‘I’m a Celeb’, their audience must have swollen. A whole host of viewers have been forced to watch, who wouldn’t normally choose to endure this sort of rubbish. My mother now watches it, and so does my Dad, although he doesn’t really understand what the show is all about, and keeps telling me that the actress playing Esther Rantzen is doing a wonderful job. I asked him what he thought about the bushtucker trials, and he told me in response that he thought Gordon Ramsay should have kept it in his pants. When I asked him who he wanted to win, he delightedly replied ‘Mr Sulu!’ and then asked me if Davina McCall was pregnant AGAIN because she seems to have been replaced by two Geordies.

None of these new viewers really understands whats going on. I don’t understand whats going on either. Why, for example, are there are two tasks in each episode? Is this to keep us entertained? If it is, why don’t they make the challenges less tedious? I’ve sort of been waiting for I’m a Celeb to reel me in and win me over, despite my initial reservations. It hasn’t managed to yet, but ITV would stand a far better chance if they took up some of my suggestions for improvement. So far, I’ve proposed swapping the sheep and ostrich pens for lion pens (think ‘Gladiator’ - with George Takei as Russell Crowe, and Ant and Dec as conjoined twins playing Joaquin Phoenix), I’ve suggested that they stick Nicola in a cave with a chainsaw-buffered serial killer, and also introduced the concept of compulsory sterilisation as a penalty for failure of tasks. …Read more

I’m A Celebrity (Reviewer) Get Me Out of Here: Day 14

I’ve been online, doing some background reading into the actors (sorry: ‘personalities’) on ‘I’m a Celeb’. Hovering in the background like an omnipotent Cilla Black, my Mum tells me curtly that I’ll never find a husband on the internet. She clearly hasn’t been privvy to those conspiracy theories about Richard and Judy. Anyway, apparently Joe’s got a kid! Is he even legal yet? I feel a bit like he’s cheated on me. I hope I’m not turning into one of those nutter’s who can’t tell the difference between television characters and actual people. The boundaries are blurring and so, apparently, is my grip on reality. I also read that Nicola was bullied by other glamour models. Now there’s a show that I’d like to see.

Simon, Joe and Nicola took part in last night’s task. They pretended to the group that they hadn’t won. Then they revealed that, actually, they had won. That joke just gets better every single time, like marriage, or Michael Jackson’s nose jobs. Machiavellian David said that he knew what they were up to all along, and that he didn’t find their joke all that funny. Don’t worry David, they’ll probably introduce the lions soon. The three celebrated their win with a feast of kangaroo tail, sweet potatoes and broad beans. I would have thought that Nicola had been put off Kangaroo for life, but I guess her tastebuds have been eroded by a lifetime of oral sports. …Read more

I’m A Celebrity (Reviewer) Get Me Out of Here: Day 13

I’ve been thinking about lions. Do they have lions in the jungle? They did in ‘The Lion King’, but I don’t trust Disney to tell me the truth anymore, not since they totally broke the circle of trust with Fantasia. I’m over it though. OVER it. I do think that lions probably populate the jungle more densely than ostriches do, but what do I know. I do know than lions would have formed the base of a more, um, ‘though-provoking’ task than a couple of apathetic ostriches nibbling politely at Brian and George’s protectively-cushioned rears, whilst the two of them half-heartedly guided some metal rings around an obstacle course that the kids at a Harvester restaurant would’ve considered beneath them. I did wonder whether I shouldn’t apply for a patent for this brainwave (of substituting the ostriches in the pen for lions), but decided that, since ’tis the season of giving and all that, I’d just hand it straight over to ITV. They are in dire need of my inspiration, and also it means that I’m so going to heaven now.

After Kilroy, Behr was the next to be made redundant, swiftly followed by Zucker. Dani said of her jungle experience: “It’s been very hard emotionally. I’m surprised I coped with the living conditions. I’m used to comfortable sheets and a nice bathroom. But it’s amazing what you get used to living without”. Now listen right - …Read More

I’m A Celebrity (Reviewer) Get Me Out of Here: Day 12

The worst thing about ‘I’m a Celeb’? That’s right, its those excruciating Iceland adverts which ITV, behaving like a persistent flasher following you round the supermarket, insists on exposing us all to before every episode. Poor Kerry’s tarted about, rabidly troughing chicken satay and crispy beef on skewers as if her sobriety depended on it, while a simulated party atmosphere is fabricated around her. The party is noticeably stimulant-free, and there is no sign of her husband (he’s the one enthusiastically disguised as a Big Issue seller), so one must assume that the producers employed the vigorous use of artistic license. Those creative types, eh?

On to the main event, which opened with Nicola pretending to miss Killroy, in a poorly disguised attempt to come across as something other than a complete narcissist. The contestants like to put in quite a bit of ’shed-time’, because it allows them to develop their audience-friendly characters, and win votes by impersonating real people. There’s a family-friendly moral in there somewhere, but I’m not the Brother’s Grimm so I shan’t bother writing it down for you to relay to the kids later in the hope that they won’t become sociopaths. For the record: I’d like to insert a disclaimer here delineating that I won’t be financially liable if they do. …Read more

I’m A Celebrity (Reviewer) Get Me Out of Here: Day 11

It was eviction night last night! What with all the excitement of Brian stating the obvious on a continuous loop, I’d actually completely forgotten that contestants get voted off periodically. Its all very exciting, even for me, because its essentially a countdown until the bloody thing ends. My friends were complaining last week that I have nothing of interest to say, unless it’s about ‘I’m a Celebrity’. I took it on the chin. Probably because they were right. I keep having dreams about Joe rescuing me from pirates, those dreams make it all worthwhile. The ‘Aha, me hearties!’ kind of pirate, not the organised kind which holds ships hostage with machine guns, and gets defeated by Steven Seagal, who’s also a chef.

I realised yesterday that I have been a fool. Timmy has a master plan. A plan to mastermind a cult of deviants, who will take over the camp, one by one, until they get to Joe and use him to breed as the emodiment of human Read more

I’m A Celebrity (Reviewer) Get Me Out of Here: Day 10

Did you read the thing about Boy George? Apparently, he met an escort online, invited him back to his flat so that they could set up a pornographic photo shoot together (bless!) and then took an awful lot of something they shouldn’t and rhymes with smoshmaine. Bizarrely, it all went wrong (I know, I know, I was surprised too), and BG later ended up chaining the escort to a wall and beating him up, because he broke his computer. Oh, the times I’ve done that when a colleague has broken the office photocopier! Luckily, there’s always a Brian-a-like on hand at work to sit me down and explain in soothing tones why violence isn’t appropriate for the workplace. More importantly, why on earth wasn’t Boy George invited to the jungle, hmm? He’d totally jazz things up ‘Armin Meiwes’ style.

Yesterday, the news was revealed that Timmy is second favourite to win ‘I’m a Celeb’. The bookies haven’t been watching, then. A colleague tried to get me to lay off Timmy in my blog: apparently she thinks he’s ‘really entertaining to watch‘. I asked her if, since she was such a huge fan, I could watch his scenes vicariously through her eyes, but she seemed to think that in order to convert me to Timmy-love, I need to keep on watching. A bit like inverted aversion therapy, then. Goodo. On a lighter note, Brian is the bookies’ favourite to get voted off first. I reckon ITV will rig the vote. He’s hardly likely to be raking in the viewers for them, is he? If he wants to stay in the game, he needs to start taking his clothes off and soaping himself erotically next to a convenient nearby waterfall, or behaving oddly enough to warrant a ‘look at that car accident!’ style interest. Read more

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