PRISMd: The Celebrity Intercepts

June 19, 2013 by  
Filed under Features

NASA-satellite

As I’m sure you’ve all heard by now, the NSA has been caught with its pants around its ankles – crumpled up tissue in one hand, eagerly watching the world’s dirty little secrets. Like any teenager caught in the act, the NSA has responded to questioning in bouts of teary-eyed rage… How dare Edward Snowden enter without knocking?! Sometimes, the NSA just wishes there was SOMEONE out there who understood it.

Well fortunately for our readers, we don’t care about its hormonal outbursts. We just want to know what the NSA’s been spanking its monkey over. Thanks to some of the best investigative journalism since the Onion News’ exposé on the US Joint Chiefs of Staff Chairman (for reference, if you can be bothered, written on the 17th May 2013) we’ve managed to find the answer to that burning question…

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Lindsey Lohan

LL “Me and my girls are going to need six grams of your finest.?
(386) “I’ll be 40 minutes. You got the cash??
LL “Yeah. Listen, you’re a smart guy right? I need some advice – I can’t decide if I should wear my panties out tonight.?
(386) “…?
LL “Whaddya think??
(386) “Are the papz gunna be there??
LL “Nah, don’t think so…?
(386) “Then yeah.?

george_michael_4

George Michael

(229) “Well hello there.?
GM “HELLO?! HI IT’S ME, GEORGE, I’M ON THE M6 JUST AFTER STAFFORD. I’VE BEEN IN A CAR ACCIDENT.?
(229) “Oh my god! Are you OK??
GM “I’M OK. BUT THE OTHER GUY ISN’T. SHIT. AM I GOING TO PRISON FOR THIS??
(229) “I don’t think so, sir.?
GM “HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT? THE GUY’S BLEEDING OUT. OH GOD I’M DONE FOR THIS TIME. OF COURSE I’M GUNNA BE LOCKED UP!?
(229) “Sir, you might laugh when you hear this…?
GM “ARE YOU FUCKING INSANE? THIS MAN IS DYING?
229 “My name is Pedro; I’m the receptionist at Gentlemen 4 Hire?
(GM) “Bloody speed-dial.?

Jimmy+Savile

Jimmy Savile

…Too Soon?

Jesus-Christ

Jesus H. Christ

JC “I’ve just given up, pop.?
(1) “Why’s that my son?
JC “No matter how hard I try to save their souls, they always go off and do something stupid and/ or evil… What’s the point anymore??
(1) “How do you mean??
JC “Put it this way: if the likes of Kim Kardashian can be considered a celebrity, then I don’t give a flying fuck what happens to these people.?

morgan-freeman

Morgan Freeman

(446) “Hello, PizzaHut. Jack speaking, how may I help??
MF “There’s a con like me in every prison in America, I guess. I’m the guy who can get it for you. Cigarettes, a bag of reefer if you’re partial, a bottle of brandy to celebrate your kid’s high school graduation. Damn near anything, within reason.? 
(446) “Sorry sir, I didn’t quite catch that…?
MF “Yes sir, I’m a regular Sears & Roebuck.?
(446) “Hello?!?
MF “So when Andy Dufresne came to me in 1949 and asked me to smuggle Rita Hayworth into the prison for him, I told him no problem?
(446) “TIME WASTER!?
(446) [Hangs up]