Five Worth Fighting

May 29, 2013 by  
Filed under Features

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Gareth Keenan

All round shlad and lifelong fun sponge. He looks like he’d hassle you at the bar trying to impress his mates but wouldn’t have the lunchbox to actually get the gloves on.

Verdict: What’s that? Dad’s Army? Who do you think you are kidding Mr Keenan?

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Ben Kingsley’s Gandhi

First of all it’s a Fight Club fantasy come true. Secondly, it’s easy points. When I’m trying to score that HBO megabucks title fight, you need a few TKO’s to pad your record.

Not to mention the multiplier bonus of a man who has also been Don Logan in Sexy Beast (Check), The Mandarin in Iron Man 3 (Double check). However, we’ll ignore the karmic catastrophe that would ensue if we included his role as Itzhak Stern in Schindler’s List.

Verdict: He says “non violent.? I say “one-nil.?

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Big Chris

It says a lot about Britain that one of the most famous “actors? Britain has produced in the last twenty years is a man who earned his “hard-man? reputation in a sport where physical contact is forbidden.

The only other internationally successful Premiership export is metrosexuality; men who look more comfortable in GQ that FourFourTwo. I’ve played tonsil hockey with scarier mammals in Oceana.

Verdict: Three rounds, tops.

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Ted Moseby

He’s wetter than a pool party and as much fun as a yellow cloud in a jacuzzi.

What would happen in real life: Lily sets Ted up with one of her friends. He premature crymaxes and asks in a baby voice to be the “wittle spoon.? She confesses to Marshall that this is the third friend she’s now too embarrassed to talk to, and bans him from their apartment.

Two days later Ted offs himself when the girl wearing sunglasses he’s been trying to make eye contact with on the metro completely blanks him, again, and then stops him stroking her labrador.

Verdict: I claim partial credit and get the blind girl’s number.

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Ari Gold

This one is pure ego. Physically he’s like the Duracell bunny on PCP. Mentally he’s like a post-election shambles Malcolm Tucker. There’s absolutely no way I’m winning this one, the man probably gets diarrhoea and shits hollow tips.

But sometimes you just gotta do it for the story. I’ll take my beating and come back like Tyson after a six year stretch.

Verdict: Real does not recognise regicide. Reality prevails.