Young Apprentice: Better Know A Contestant
They’re not old enough to vote and they don’t yet have the commercial acumen to know they’re being used but another batch of young entrepreneurs have arrived to suckle at the Sugar teat of wisdom.
Imitating characters from an Oliver Stone film they’re barely old enough to watch, these kids will use their years of pocket money hustle to outwit and outwork their competition for the £25,000 grand prize.
Since gambling on children would be unethical, here’s a purely speculative look at how the contenders are likely to fare based upon their press pack bios:
12. Maria Doran: At 5’1” she’s a Napoleon complex waiting to happen, even though she “believes [her] future is unlimited”…Not tonight Josephine
11. Navdeep Bual: As a Head Girl she knows all about authority…Sir Alan has a history of snubbing brownnosers.
10. Max Grodecki: Makes money trading vintage clothes…Seemingly unaware this was last successful in 2008
9. Amy Corrigan: Since she’s studying not just single but double Business A level, her enthusiasm can’t be doubted…but her intellect certainly can
8. Sean Spooner: Dislikes sinking ships…Apparently unaware that the BBC has cancelled the next series before the current one has been broadcast
7. Alice Smith: “I just don’t get swept up in all the nonsense”…unless she’s on stage where her main passion is performing arts
6. Lucy Beauvallet: Has her own cake business AND has a passion for baking? Has her own cake business AND has a passion for baking.
5. Patrick McDowell: Doesn’t “accept no for an answer”…but with that attitude, likely to anger feminists
4. David Odhiambo: Admits to megalomania…Possibly Patrick Bateman
3. Ashleigh Porter-Exley: “Fun-loving Ashleigh has been in employment since she was 13” … And will be looking to use the time away from home to emancipate herself from her child labour-law flouting parents.
2. Andrew Tindall: He might be a dark horse with his ukelele playing skills…Or a threat to go postal. SO much potential.
1. Steven Cole: Has a BTEC in Understanding Enterprise and Entrepreneurship…Which means he’s about as qualified as Sir Alan when he started out – Definite favourite.