OTB Presents… 6 Crossovers to Drastically Improve TV Shows

October 12, 2012 by  
Filed under Features

There’s a lot of dross on the box. TV producers tend to find a successful formula for a show and run with it til the viewers desert them. There just aren’t enough risks taken. OTB has come up with 6 crossovers to improve shows past and present that would in the chilling words of Heath Ledger’s Joker, “introduce a little anarchy…”

Ken Barlow as a contestant on Take Me Out: Last year Corrie bore Ken Barlow (or rather the octogenarian actor who plays him, William Roache) claimed to have slept with 1,000 women. He was subsequently dubbed ‘the Casanova of the cobbles’ in an only semi-ironic way. Walking away with one of the Take Me Out girls should be a doddle for rampant Roache.

Woody Allen on Soccer AM: Allen’s existential angstiness would be a warm antidote to the whooping bantz* the show usually serves up. Doubt his football knowledge is up to scratch though…

Jeremy Paxman hosting T4: Channel 4’s weekend teen strand has been found wanting ever since Simon Amstell upped sticks to join Buzzcocks. Paxman’s legendary intolerance would probably reach breaking point if he was forced to interview the cast of TOWIE. Hashtag TVgold.

Piers Morgan in Threads: Threads was a harrowing 1984 BBC docu-drama about the effects of nuclear war on Sheffield. Following an onslaught of A-bombs the characters suffer radiation sickness, severe burns, loss of limbs and bodily decay. Swollen-teste-faced Piers Morgan claims to have a thick skin. A few hours in the Threads-verse should see to that.

Malcolm Tucker hosting BBC Breakfast: Bill Turnbull’s jolly neighbour-over-the-fence act is more forced than Gordon Brown’s smile. If the Beeb let Tucker** loose on breakfast bollockvision, viewers would collectively drop their porridge faster than he’d be dropping fucking C-bombs.

Kay Burley in Six Feet Under: No explanation necessary.

* For ‘bantz’, read ‘inanity’
** Pedants: OTB knows Malcolm Tucker is a fictional character, so you don’t need to waste your time flooding the comments section explaining this to us…