The Official Rules of The TV Remote Controller..
When it comes to deciding what you watch on television, we all know that possession (of the remote) is nine tenths of the law, so we’ve put together an intricate set of ground rules to help you decide who gets ‘the power’. They are finite and should be followed without exception…
1. The person who switches on the TV automatically has control of the remote… Unless they like Sex And The City.
2. The remote controller is obliged to flick through the channels during any ad-break to see what else is on, before returning to the original channel if nothing decent can be found. If they return after the ad-break is finished, they lose power of the remote.
3. In the event that the remote is lost, it is the responsibility of everyone to look for it. The person who lost the remote should be taunted throughout the search and banned from ownership of the remote until they redeem themselves by prank calling a mutual friend.
4. Anyone who allows Anne Hathaway to appear on the screen loses power of remote.
5. Any disputes over the remote which cannot be resolved by these rules shall be settled by Paper, Rock, Scissors or a brief soaf-based wrestling match.
6. In the event of two people entering the room at the same time, shotgun rules apply.
7. Anyone who asks what shotgun is should be slapped repeatedly….with the remote.
8. Everyone gets one power of veto over a programme. Once they have used their veto, they must accept the programme of the remote controller’s choice. Everyone receives their veto back when the controller is passed on.
9. Correct aspect ratios are to be used for all programming. If the person with the remote doesn’t know what this is, then they have no business with it and shall have it confiscated immediately.
10. It’s the remote controller’s responsibility to shut down anyone asking stupid questions or making inane remarks (EG. “The news? But we watched that yesterday!” – “Oooh I like this advert!”).
11. The person with the remote must be concentrating on the TV at all times. If you really need to ‘like’ your friend’s cake pictures on Facebook then do it in your own time…
12. If the remote controller needs to leave the room (for any reason) then they lose ‘the power’. If they surreptitiously conceal the remote in a bid to avoid their fate, they should be punished. Harshly.
13. No Loose Women. Not ever.
14. Attempting to disrupt a programme selected by the controller (“backseat controlling”) through the use of noise or profuse, negative commentary is unacceptable and represents a gross breach of these rules. There is one exception to this rule (see article 15).
15. If the remote controller selects three naff programmes in a row, their powers are automatically and unequivocally revoked. Force/personal insults are permitted in this instance.
16. The volume should never be left on an odd number.
It is our official OTB recommendation that these rules be printed out and signed by all members of the household. The rules and accompanying
signatures must then be framed and placed next to every television set in the aforementioned house.
Any person found to be in breach of these rules may then be mocked/happy-slapped/have their residence in the property forfeited at the discretion of the other signatories.