Athletics to Zion, It’s OTB’s Olympic A-Z..
B is for the bumbling Britishness that is Boris Johnson, a man so aloof that you could easily believe he spent his formative years locked in a pitch-black room, only to be freed on his eighteenth birthday to begin his career in British politics. This games, expect to see plenty of Boris on the BBC, including interviews and coverage of his embarrassing role in the opening and closing ceremonies.
C is for the closing ceremony, which will feature performances from Take That and The Who. That could be fun, right? If The Who were to rip Take That’s faces off and wear them as masks. Ironically enough, the performance will be funded by the British tax-payers.. (insert Gary Barlow joke of choice here). There’s also music from Bombay Bicycle Club, the faux-indie/folk band who have perplexingly named themselves after a chain of curry restaurants and then Boris Johnson is going to do something called a “handover”, which I think is like a reach around. I don’t know. Perhaps that’s where those phallic Olympic mascots come in.
D is for drugs, which apparently influenced the design of the 2012 Olympic logo and will likely appear in the system of a couple of athletes during the games.
E is for unintentional entertainment, plenty of which is bound to be broadcast by the BBC this games.
F is for the Olympic flame. Like flames? Then watch the BBC’s live stream of one!
G is for Greatest Moments or BBC Three’s Olympics’ Most Amazing Moments, the channel’s go-to programme about the games. The BBC can’t repeat this eight times a day, but my god they’ll damn-well try!
H is for handball, which is the best Olympic sport isn’t it? And the only one worth tuning in for..
I is for “I hate Sebastian Coe!” Coe, of course, has been a great ambassador for the 2012 games, but it’s for this clip from The Day Today that he’ll be best for remembered.
J is for javelin and an excuse to post this clip.
K is knitted athletes, a quite brilliant story that the BBC, thankfully, considered news worthy.
L is for Linford Christie’s Lunchbox, which is not only a term coined by The Sun newspaper in reference to the bulge of Christie’s genitalia in his Lycra shorts, but also my new idea for a daytime cooking programme (call me, BBC).
M is for Muse, the band that have done for alternative rock what Carrot Top did for stand-up comedy in the ‘90s. They’ve written an absurd rock melodrama for games, which you’ll be hearing repeatedly in the BBC coverage over the coming weeks. Basically, it sounds like every song Muse has ever put out, but with hysterically stupid running-themed lyrics.
N is for Newsnight, which will no doubt be debating the relevance of the games over the coming month. Here’s writer Will Self discussing it with MP Tessa Jowell.
O is for the opening ceremony, which will be called “The Isles of Wonder”, perhaps because it’ll have you wondering why the Oscar-winning director Danny Boyle agreed to direct it, why Daniel Craig agreed to star in it, and finally, what’s on the other channel.
P is for punditry, which this time around will be brought to you by Sir Steve Redgrave, Michael Johnson, Denise Lewis and Tim Henman, as well as Barry Davies, Jake Humphrey, Gary Lineker, Clare Balding, Sue Barker and Matt Baker.
Q is for the flash running game Qwop, get it here.
R is for Olympic rings, which consists of five interlocking rings of blue, yellow, black, green and red (each ring representing a continent). They can be found everywhere, although most notably on Tower Bridge, which currently looks like one big hoopla. Don’t try and sell stuff with them or you’ll have the Olympic Branding Committee Swat Team round your gaff.
S is for sponsorship. For artists, entertainers and musicians there’s a large degree of shame attached to endorsing corporations. Fortunately, no such stigma is attached to athletics, which is why McDonalds are the official sponsors of the 2012 Olympics, like a cruel, mocking joke at obesity’s expense. The BBC might be ad free, but expect to see McAds all over the rest of the box.
T is TV rights. The BBC have just scored the rights to next four Olympic Games, allegedly for the price of £60m.
U is for Usain Bolt, the Jamaican sprinter and a five-time World and three-time Olympic gold medallist. Here’s presenter Ortis Deley repeatedly failing to pronounce Usain St.Honourable Bolt Leo’s name.
V is for Victoria Pendleton: Cycling’s Golden Girl, the BBC’s recent profile of the Olympic champion sprint cyclist, who is hoping to win a second gold medal at the London Games. There was a cracking documentary on BBC1 about her last week. It’s on the iPlayer here..
W is for Wenlock and Mandeville. These are the two impotent-looking grey cocks that have been appointed as the games’ official mascots, designed presumably by a man who wishes he could come up characters as strong as Marge Simpson’s “Ghost Mutt”. We can only hope that their penis-like appearance will keep them out of the pre-watershed schedule.
X is for Olympics XXX (or the porno Olympics), which the BBC continues to refuse to buy the rights for. How about you, Bravo?
Y is for yachting, an Olympic event until the 2000 Sydney, when it was renamed sailing.
Z is for Zion, which is what some people believe the terribly designed Olympic 2012 logo spells out.