“Chat Show Host Wanted”: Who Shouldn’t Get Wossy’s Slot

January 15, 2010 by  
Filed under - Home, Features

prince300With all the hoo-ha about Wossy leaving the Beeb, we’ve been a little curious as to who will take over his flagship late night chat fest.

The requirements that got the R-avoiding presenter the job were probably his ability to make the male celebs look ridiculous, beautiful female guests cringe and not being able to draw out any useful information during interviews. But we mustn’t judge him too harshly; if we were paid an obscene amount of money, we’d probably get too big for our boots as well.

So we started thinking about who we’d like to jump straight into Wossy’s televisual grave. But then we scrapped that idea because we’d rather see the competition play it out in the public arena, much like a chat show based Thunderdome.

With chat shows swapping their hosts like a swinger’s party in Primrose hill, we’ve taken the time to make a list of the people who should never be in the running for their own chat shows. As in, ‘Oh my God, who the hell gave them their own show? They’re barely human!’ That kind of thing.

JEREMY KYLE

How this man is still employed in the entertainment industry, we’ll never know. We’re not rocket scientists or anything, but we’re pretty sure that strutting around a stage telling chavs how to be good parents to their 18 kids while you check your reflection in their greasy faces is NOT entertainment.

And exactly what makes him eligible to give out advice, he’s a gambling addict. Pot, kettle – idiot?

The only thing worse than having Jeremy Kyle on telly is having him host a chat show. It’d be pretty hard to berate millionaire movie stars who wouldn’t wee on you if you were on fire. It would be a sad day for television indeed as to be a good chat show host you have to be interested in the person you’re talking to, not just trying to make them cry.

Here’s Jezza laying into some teenagers.


FEARNE COTTON

We semi-respect Fearne Cotton. She’s young, pretty cool and seems genuinely interested in TV.

But after we witnessed her attempt to interview Peaches Geldof we knew that a chat show would definitely not be the place for her. Her questions aren’t especially probing and we question her actual entertainment value. As a TV presenter, yeah, we’d buy that, but a chat show? Not so much.

If you saw Charlie Brooker’s Screenwipe’s Review of 2009 then you will have seen the Brookster rip Fearne a new one for her total lack of interviewing skills.

And if you didn’t see it, catch it now – skip to 5.44 and enjoy.

DERREN BROWN

Master of magic and pretension, Derren Brown may have convinced the world that he can predict the lottery and read minds but we think it’d be an epic fail if he had a chat show.

There’s no reason to give a chat show to someone who can read minds – there’d be no need to ask his guests questions! We’d probably give him a crime show. Or better yet, get rid of Jeremy Kyle and get Derren in to do some paternity tests with just the power of his mind!

But a chat show? He’d be interviewing movie stars – that’s enough pretension for one show to handle. Here he is reading Jodie Kidd’s mind.

DUNCAN BANNATYNE

Dragon Den bad boy Bannatyne is really in his element telling people how their rubbish ideas might be financially beneficial or will bankrupt them silly, to the point where they can’t afford a newspaper to sleep under.

And while it is amusing to see hard working people’s ideas crushed under his Italian loafers made out of skinned Pandas, we think he should know his place. If he ventured into chat show territory he’d definitely get a smack; you can’t tell Angelina Jolie that all those adoptions aren’t financially sound investments without expecting consequences.

Actually, we might give him one episode and get him to have a ‘chat’ with Amy Winehouse. Sort her out, Bannatyne.

Oh and we also wouldn’t give him a show because no matter what he says, he either sounds like he’s just woken up or he’s going to have you killed.

POSH SPICE

We don’t want Vicky Beckham to host a chat show for a few reasons. One of them is her voice: it’s just a bit too much like a chav who won the lottery.

Another reason is the fact that whether you love or hate her, she has an interesting life. Which means that she’s going to have more to talk about than half of her guests. Chat show hosts also have to be warm and charismatic and Vic doesn’t really seem to fit that criteria.

But maybe it’d be a good idea just a for a little while as we hear that the camera adds ten pounds, so we might actually get to see her looking like a human being rather than a shiny, plastic blow up doll.

Here’s what happened when Vic went to America. Just a shame she couldn’t stay there. Watch and enjoy as Vic tries to be funny with lines that someone has clearly written for her. On a side note, the girl playing her assistant is stand up comic Renee Gauthier, much funnier than Vic is trying to be.

CHARLIE BROOKER

We don’t mean to mention him twice on this list but if there is one person who definitely should not be in a room with celebrities every day, it’s him.

King of sarcasm and the scathing remark, Brooker is funny as hell but we think interviewing actors and TV ‘personalities’ on a daily basis might actually send him into a killing frenzy live on air.

He’s not exactly ‘telly with your mum’ viewing and we can’t really see him dressing up in stupid costumes like Paul O’Grady for your viewing pleasure either. Pretending to be interested in what a nobody celeb has to say could potentially end in death; that might just irk the censors a wee bit.

Here’s Brooker laying into aspirational TV.

PRINCE PHILLIP

He may have some connections being the Royal consort and all but it’s always a bad idea to put Prince Phillip on camera. The fact that he’s about a hundred years old may give him experience but it could also result in him falling over and breaking a hip. Or walking and breaking a hip. Or coughing too hard.

But the main reason that this man should never have a chat show is the fact that he is likely to offend every guest he comes into contact with. We’ve all heard the racist comments he’s made to, well, pretty much everyone he’s met for the past 20 years but it’s a bit like having a racist Grandad. While this is secretly pretty amusing to have him just embarrassing the country at every turn, it might not be such a pretty sight on TV.

Here’s how we might like to see Prince Phillip on TV thanks to Mock The Week.



chantelle says:

Derren Brown would be a great chat show host!!! I would love to see him do something else besides the illusions, I mean come on you must know seriously that he can’t actually read minds, but i’m pretty sure he could get guests to let out info they’ve never revealed anymore such as oh i don’t know… maybe some embarassing moments?? all with his “powers of persuasion” lol.

He’s a great guy too & so so so charming he’d make a lovely chat show host so down to earth, sweet funny & intelligent would make a change from the dimwitted chat show hosts out there (the only one’s i’ve ever liked are jonathan & Paul O’ Grady)

Kingharris says:

Good that you named Brooker for the good reason, which is of course he hates the living daylights out of most TV and he’s a damn-right genius.

bobabba says:

Brooker and Brown!!