Kirstie’s Homemade Christmas Review: Cut-Price Turkey
KIRSTIE’S HOMEMADE CHRISTMAS: Tuesday 8th December, Channel 4, 8pm ALERT ME
Christmas is well and truly on its way, and Kirstie Allsop can’t wait. But with all the shopping panic and money spent, she implores, are we losing sight of its true spirit?
With this in mind, she goes in search of the perfect home-made Christmas – courtesy of Selfridges. By the time she actually gets started, it’s a wonder she’ll be finished by the New Year.
Kirstie begins by showing the viewer a tour of her modest middle-class abode, ‘Meadow Gate’. She then explains in excrutiating detail her plans for each room. Holly for the bannisters, a ‘Magical Kingdom’ for the kids, and with regards to the kitchen, she can take that ‘WOW’ fixture down for a start.
It’s almost as distracting as her Christmas clichés: ‘Christmas will be all wrapped up!’ she tells us, closely followed by ‘You don’t have to go cold Turkey’ and ‘There’s nothing worse than a cracker that doesn’t pull’. Actually, I’m a bit lost on that one.
Five minutes in Kirstie decides it’s all a load of commercialised nonsense after all and goes to London to literally window shop for ideas. Holding a bauble as if it were a planet, she asks, “How was it made, how did they get the glitter on it… the whole thing’s fascinating.” Oh, bloody hell, just buy it already.
Ten minutes in and she’s finally decorating a cake. Well, helping a professional roll out polar bears, which look more like helpless dogs, but oh well, at least she’s trying.
She decides she’s an expert in the world of dough and is let loose on a school in Bristol, where she shows over-excited children how to make decorations with the help of glitter glue and a microwave. “The olive oil stops dough getting too hard, it’s like your mums face cream,” she explains to a bewildered pupil. The look on the boy’s face next to him is like Kirstie’s ‘brilliant’ home-made wreath- priceless, for all the wrong reasons.
Her tip for buying decorations? “Pick out things that don’t immediately look like decorations.” Oh, I’ve had enough. As she walks out the shop with an armful of tat she says will give her pleasure ‘all year round’, you might have to restrain yourself from throwing your home-made bauble at the television. Don’t believe anything this woman says.
As she parades around her newly done-up pad, she tells us, “There’s nothing here that hasn’t been made… or that you couldn’t make!” In fact, the only thing she has made is another episode. God help us all.