Soap Awards – Lucas The Serial Killer!

November 28, 2009 by  
Filed under - Home, Features

'I apologise. You're right - it's a lovely bowtie'

'I apologise. You're right - it's a lovely bowtie'

Church-boy Lucas really seems to be getting into the swing of this murder lark.

We’re no experts on the subject, but we think its fair to say that the scrawny nutter has now officially become a serial-killer. He may have claimed to be heading to the Lake District on his honeymoon, but we reckon the gardening-ripper is really off to Midsomer village, armed to the teeth with trowels.

Poor Owen was the latest person to feel the horticultural hand of Loopy Lucas this week. Indeed the fallen preacher has become so confident in his villainy that he’s taken to hiding evidence in ever more daring places.

If we committed a murder in Walford we’d go to a bit more trouble than burying the body in the park (how in the name of Pat’s dangly earrings did no-one see him?) before planting a forlorn tree on top of the make-shift grave.

That probably won’t get discovered…

Worst Robber of the Week – Charity Dingle (Emmerdale)

cain catches charityIt’s well-known that if you don’t have to be the best actor in the world to hold down a role in a soap-opera, but pretending to fancy Cain Dingle must have taken a bit of effort…

Having said that, w£ all know what Charity r£ally care$ about.

Cain, who just days before had declared his love for the ironically named trollop, was surprisingly fast off the mark for a member of the Dingle family and made chase in a bid to keep his beloved (cash).

Caught red-handed in the safe, Charity claimed she was putting the money back.

Oh and the dog ate her homework…

Outfit of the Week – Roxy (EastEnders)

roxxxyWhat the hell is going on in Walford?! We haven’t seen a community dressed this badly since Anne Summers sent an aid package to the tsunami victims.

When any half-good looking bloke arrives in tahn, it’s only a matter of time before the beauty-starved birds of Walford start to flock.

We had just about recovered from Janine Butcher’s corset when our eyes were raped by the image of Roxy Mitchell’s lurid attempt to bed Doctor Jenkins…

Stupidest Piece of Casting – Audrey & Gail (Coronation Street)

gail and audreyWe soap fans aren’t a demanding bunch. We don’t ask why Emmerdale’s cast rarely seem to leave the village, or why Bradley dressed like Norman Wisdom.

We don’t even care that families don’t look remotely like each other – Syed Masood? – all we ask is that they at least get someone in the right age range to play these people.

So Audrey is Gail’s mum? Sister more like! She must have been the first person in recorded history to have a child before she started school…

Unrequited Crush of the Week – Marlon Dingle (Emmerdale)

marlonWoolpack chef Marlon Dingle hasn’t really had much luck with the ladies since his adulterous wife Donna left him, but that isn’t surprising when you consider that nearly every woman in the village is related to him.

So when he mistook the attentions of married Moira for something more than friendship, it was always going to end in tears.

But he still chased her, (run Moira run!) The poor bloke needs to invest in a mirror and a course of heavy-duty anti-depressants..

Slap of the Week – Chelsea Fox (EastEnders)

slap of the weekThe last thing you need when you’re marrying a double-murderer (these things happen) is a slap from your daughter.

But maybe it was a good thing that Chelsea fethched her mum a slap across the chops, she has been getting right on our Queen Vics of late.

And she hasn’t even worked out that her new hubby is a rake-murderer yet…

Quote of the Week – Denise Wicks (EastEnders)

“I can’t always tell when Chelsea is lying – but I can tell when she’s telling the truth.”

Denise proves what a good judge of character she is. Not.

Can’t wait to see what we’re going to be judging next week? Check out the OTB soap galleries…