Soap Awards Of The Week – 23rd November 2009

November 23, 2009 by  
Filed under - Home, Features

Tempers flared after Jedward's haircut

Tempers flared after Jedward's haircut

Being an insurance provider in Walford has never been an easy task, but poor Max’s luck was really out last week. He sold Peggy a dodgy policy and then less than a fortnight later someone tried to torch her beloved boozer – what were the chances of that happening? Well pretty good actually, we soap followers know that housefires are more common in soapland than meaningless storylines involving ethnic families…

At least the firemen in Emmerdale got a much needed week off though after Sally gave up trying to barbecue Laurel. Unfortunately she was no better with a pillow than she was with a box of matches. Do they not have knives in Yorkshire?

Best Cat-fight – Bianca vs Sam (EastEnders)

Bianca and SamGod knows it must be difficult dating Ricky Butcher – the man is so dense that light actually bends around him – but when Sam recently became the third member of the Mitchell family to hop into bed with Jack Branning, we knew there was a bar-brawl on the way.

Their pathetically disguised affair was made public this week when an eagle-eyed Archie spied the loverats canoodling in the middle of the square and promptly informed Bianca. Frankly, for a secret affair conducted almost entirely in the most public part of The Square, we thought it remained undiscovered for quite a while could last. Jack Branning must have been the worst undercover cop ever…

So Bianca – who despite a functioning pair of eyes, is still in love with Ricky – charged over to the Vic and dragged Sam into the bar before exposing her for the strumpet she is.

Sally’s Murder Attempt of the Week (Emmerdale)

sally smothers laurelThere are two questions that we believe should be raised here.

A. Is Sally the most incompetent murderer since Wile E Coyote?
B. Why the bloody hell are these two women fighting over Vicar Ashley?

It was suffocation on the menu last week in Emmerdale. Poor Laurel had only been back from hospital for five minutes before crack-pot Sally was trying to smother her with a pillow.

Luckily for Laurel, Nicola popped round and saved the day.

Surely someone must be getting suspicious – even John Nettles would be struggling to keep up with this run of murder attempts.

Most Pathetic Confession – Tony (Coronation Street)

tony gWhere would we be without the slowest-moving soap in history? I was doing my GCSEs when Roy first found out about Tony’s murderous tendencies…

But last week this plot-line came to an unbelievably anti-climactic conclusion after not-so-bad-boy Gordon jumped into an unrealistically clean Manchester canal to save an adjective-happy Cropper.

And you were doing so well Tony…

Instead of an exciting drowning (sorry Roy) we got a boring confession…

For a while we thought that Roy might come-a-cropper – thankyou.

Quote of the Week – Owen (East Enders)

‘In my opinion you are a grade A, God-bothering nut job.’

Owen tells Lucas where he’s going wrong.

Outfit of the Week – Janine (East Enders)

janineOfcom switchboards must have gone into meltdown last week when Janine Butcher appeared before the nine o’clock watershed wearing a pair of suspenders.

We haven’t felt this ill while watching television since Sarah Palin appeared on the news at ten last year.

Pass that bucket…

Drunkard of the Week – Blanche (Coronation Street)

blancheWith all the canal caperings, we nearly forgot that the Barlow family (no strangers to controversy themselves) were still kicking it in the projects of Weatherfield.

This week, however, we saw Dierdre’s outspoken mother Blanche at her lairiest (is that a word?)

Simon’s estranged grandfather is back in town and wants to make everything right with his forgotten family, but after a few drinks a wine-goggled Blanche decides that grandad George is quite a catch and tarts herself up real nice.

Flirting her way through dinner she continues to ply herself with booze and before you can say “Rosie Webster’s in bed with some teacher,” she is spilling family secrets…

Sean Marland

clive says:

personally i reckon janine was quite a sight!