7 Reasons Why The Hoff Is Our New Religion

September 18, 2009 by  
Filed under - Home, Features

hoff adam 300x210David Hasselhoff: man or God?

Booze bloated wind bag or gift from above?

We just couldn’t decide so we tried to make a pro and con list.

To our surprise we could only really come up with pros. We’ll rely on you to comment below and tell us the cons.

After we recently basked in his Hoffy goodness with Meet The Hasselhoffs we realised just how much we need him and how good he could be as a life coach.

The Hoff has showed us that there are many things we can learn from him; he’s like a big bronzed Buddha.

So we’ve compiled a list of things that we’ve observed from the life of the Hoff that we feel we can apply to our own lives in order to improve them.

So take heed, dear reader and live a richer life. Praise be the Hoff.

CARS GET CHICKS ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY CAN TALK

It’s not surprising to learn that men like cars. They also like women. All men had to do was figure out how to combine the two.

Knight Rider made a dream a reality and only The Hoff could make it happen.

The Hoff played Michael Knight who rolled around in KITT, a talking car. David Hasselhoff with 80s hair and a talking car. It was never going to go wrong was it?

We figured that if you couldn’t think of a smooth line, the car could be your wingman. Or wingmirror.

The show started in 1982 and The Hoff got married to Catherine Hickland in 1984. The show ended two years later and the couple were divorced in 1989. I don’t know about you but it seems pretty obvious that she was only after the car.

So gents, women will go for you if you have a ultra cool car that can talk. Maybe do some trick where you record your voice then just shove the recorder in the glove compartment. A perm and your own awesome theme tune might help as well.

DON’T BE AFRAID TO SING EVEN IF YOU SUCK

While his music may have ‘saved’ Germany we’ll be honest and say that we don’t particularly care for David’s voice.

But this hasn’t stopped him. While ze Germans have an easy and longlasting love for him, David has recently tried to foist himself back on the public.

While we don’t doubt his acting ability and raw sexual magnetism, we didn’t rush out to buy tickets for Chicago when it was announced The Hoff would play Billy Flynn.

Even though Chicago is the hooker of musicals, seemingly accepting anyone who applies for it, we were surprised at the drop in vocal standards with this casting.

We’re also pretty sure that The Hoff is aware of his vocal range and it seems that he doesn’t care. He enjoys singing so that what he does and as often as he can.

He also recently performed on America’s Got Talent, check it out, it’s a gem.

YOU’RE COOLER WITH ‘THE’ IN FRONT OF YOUR NAME

Calling David Hasselhoff The Hoff is a mark of respect, like calling Don Corleone The Godfather.

If you doubt us all you need do is look to The Fonz.

You also know you’re cool when there are a million t-shirts with your face on them with your own personal slogan: ‘Don’t Hassle The Hoff’.

So if you have an appropriate surname or nickname, put The in front of it and you’re on your way. But be careful, this doesn’t work for every name. The Gervais? The Jupitus?

hasselhoff-42691


HAVING CHEESY PHOTOS TAKEN CAN BE COOL

If you had the chance to do a naked photo shoot with an animal, you’d pick something cool.

A snake or a Bengal tiger or something, right?

The Hoff went his own way with this the photo shoot and went for…two Shar Pei puppies covering his modesty. Gives a whole new meaning to the phrase ‘dog and bone.’

hoff dog

He’s no fool, he’s had his share of cheesy photos taken and they never seem to knock him down. The Hoff revels in it.

‘What’s that, you want a picture of me in my pants and a leather jacket? Sure, why not.’

hoff pants 210x300

So stop taking hyper coiffed ‘I’m too cool for school’ photos and don’t take yourself so bloody seriously.

GET A TAN AND A PAIR OF RED BEACH SHORTS

While the pale and interesting look may work for vampires, people in the real world seem to demand that everyone have a tan.

But it wasn’t peer pressure that made OTB staffers reach for the bottle of Piz Buin, it was The Hoff.

His bronzed bod is still as magnificent as when he patrolled the beaches as Mitch Buchanan in Baywatch. The way the sun bounced rays off his toned tanned torso made us feel physically inferior so we hit the sunbeds.

But we weren’t complete so we consulted our wall poster of The Hoff and we realised we were missing the red beach shorts. Everyone looks good in them: boys, girls, transgenders and monkeys.

Unfortunately, we tested out the slow motion and found that it is not flattering for everyone.

YOU DON’T HAVE TO HAVE TALENT TO JUDGE TALENT

Now we don’t doubt his acting ability but America’s Got Talent is, well, let’s face it, a singing competition, and we’ve already mentioned how we feel about The Hoff’s vocal ability.

Being a huge hit in Germany doesn’t mean that The Hoff is necessarily the best person for a job as a judge on a talent show.

But he went and did it anyway. America loves him because he just doesn’t give a hoot.

He gets to be on stage, have a lot of fun and get paid! Who wouldn’t do this job? So if there’s a job you want to do even if you could be crap at it, take a leaf out of the gospel according to the Hoff and just go for it.

While David can’t sing, we definitely know that he’s at least fit to judge this crazy contestant.

DON’T DRINK WITH YOUR DAUGHTER

We’ve learned much from The Hoff’s triumphs so now let’s learn a lesson from one of his mistakes.

Alcoholics Anonymous doesn’t work for those who are recognised all over the world so it was bound to come out that The Hoff is an alcoholic. Though we weren’t quite expecting him to be busted by his daughter, Taylor-Ann, and filmed mid-stupor.

We feel bad for The Hoff but we have learned a valuable lesson from this mistake/internet sensation. Don’t get drunk in front of family members or video cameras because it will totally come back to bite you on the arse.

Heed the warning folks, check out The Hoff’s drunken antics.



Emily Moulder

Our theory of Yoghurt+IKEA=Lesbianism seems to have been confirmed in the new IKEA advert! Or maybe do something good for humanity? Like reading our review of Peep Show!