Derren Brown: Stunts He Really Should Try

September 11, 2009 by  
Filed under - Home, Features

So Derren Brown has predicted the lottery numbers, but does anyone care?

The answer to that question is yes, yes they do. Brown’s mum was on the edge of her seat and Camelot are now bricking it at the prospect of someone siphoning off the profits they have gathered from a desperate nation rabid with recession fever.

One group of people who could not have cared less were the bosses at Channel 4, for them it was a win/win situation. Presumably their financial problems will be solved, but if he had failed then his career would have been curtailed somewhat meaning they wouldn’t have had to sit in anymore meetings watching him pleasure himself while proposing his next project.

It was pretty safe to assume that this one man wave of smarm would succeed in his attempt to cheat the space/time continuum, otherwise Friday evening’s programme How I Predicted the Lottery Numbers could have been a bit of an anticlimax, but one day his luck might run out, and where will the nation’s favourite psychic go from there?

Fear not Derren Brown because OTB has come up with a series of stunts that might get him back in the showbiz spotlight, or at least improve his spelling…

Solve the problems in the Middle East

If Derren Brown is such a skillful exponent of mind control techniques, he really should use his talents to help the global community sort out a few international hotspots.

The Palestinians and Israelis couldn’t agree on the location of the West Bank, let alone the legality of a settlement, and a solution to the problem has been beyond some of the most intelligent people for several decades.

After Tony Blair’s appointment as UN peace envoy to the region – in the most ironic political move since Time magazine made Adolf Hitler it’s ‘man of the year’ – a solution seems more distant than ever. The stage is set for Derren Brown.

If anyone can bring these two argumentative groups to the table for talks, then he is the man and would be rightly paraded through the streets of Jerusalem if he succeeded.

Challenge David Blaine to a fight to the death

If Brown should fall from grace, what better way for him to reclaim his standing in the magic circle than by defeating the exhibitionist from New York in what would be one of the most eagerly anticipated duels of our time. Victory would see him not only regain the respect of his wizarding brethren but establish him as the undisputed champion of pedestrian botherers.

At OTB we are as patriotic as the next group of film nerds, so we would of course be rooting for Brown to do us all a favour and knock out the dreary conjurer from across the pond.

Those of you hoping for some sort of magician battle to rival that of Gandalf/Saruman or indeed (to a much lesser extent) Dumbledore/Voldemort might be a little disappointed however, as neither can actually do any magic – but it would be a cracking fight…

Learn to spell his name correctly

No amount of mind control could make anyone but the most utter simpleton believe that Derren was a real name, even a very lax Microsoft spellcheck – which will accept the name Nicolette – refuses to recognise it as an official moniker.

Of course it isn’t the name he was given at birth, to his obvious embarrassment our goateed showman was born Derek Brown, so we can understand his wish to get down the deed poll office and rename himself Darren.

This in itself was not a particularly prudent move if he was hoping to gain notoriety with a swish stage-name as the world community has a long and proud history of not giving any power to people with that prefix.

But this is mere conjecture, for in his haste to secure an identity switch the dyslexic fool accidentally created a new version of the name which is far more stupid than the original.

Now that’s what I call an impressive feat.

Eat his own face

As this latest series proves, finding new challenges is a big problem in the illusionist community and after Brown’s fall from grace in an as yet unspecified magical mishap, he would be very enthusiastic to tackle the problem which has confounded denizens of the secret arts for centuries.

Just how do you eat your own face and live to tell the tale?

Derren would probably retreat to some remote cave in India for several months to prepare for this performance (and to escape the public furore over his failed attempt to saw an OAP in half), where training would be a slow and arduous process involving hour upon hour of jaw exercise.

Jump from a plane without a parachute

There really isn’t much explanation needed for this one and although snuff movies are of course illegal, producers could avoid any legal problems by making a desperate Brown sign some waiver to admonish anyone of blame should the unthinkable happen.

If he did pull off this stunt and live to tell the tale he could justifiably be compared to the less irritating, but more talented Harry Houdini in the magical hall of fame.

If in some completely unforeseen event poor Derren didn’t make it, his last moments might be brightened by the knowledge that for the first time ever, one of his stunts had gained the full support of the TV viewing public.

Sean Marland

To grab the original scoop on Derren’s plan, click here. Or to watch the original teaser videos, click here (for the backwards one) and here (for the normal sounding one)….

clive says:

A funny dude

matthiass says:


to quote – now thats what i call an impressive feat