Celebrity Four Weddings Review: For Bitchier or Obscurer
CELEBRITY FOUR WEDDINGS: Monday 7th September, Living, 9pm Alert Me
â€śCelebrityâ€?: itâ€™s a curious label.
Like putting the word â€śstyleâ€? into a clothing retailerâ€™s name, or branding a culinary creation as a something- â€śdelightâ€?, heading a programmeâ€™s title with the vacuum of a word â€ścelebrityâ€? confirms there will be no such thing featuring.
Often â€ścelebrityâ€? signals the person concerned once had a shred of fame, though has since fallen from grace and needs the injection of publicity and/or fee.
No such fee for this show, though.
If you missed the civilian version of Four Weddings, it goes like this: each sleb will attend each others weddings, scoring the venue, food, outfit and overall presentation out of the inexplicable figure of 50 which will be added together to produce a winner.
In this one-off special weâ€™ve got as-seen-on-Iâ€™m-a-Celebrity-footballerâ€™s-wife-and-glamour-model Nicola McLean, the least famous one out of bit-o’-ruff boyband East 17 Terry Coldwell, helium-voiced thesp Sandra Dickinson, and â€śTVâ€™s heartthrob handymanâ€? Phil Turner.
Theyâ€™re all normals. The only thing differentiating sleb Four Weddings from pleb Four Weddings is that the cash prize goes to charity. Oh, and the magazine deals.
But look, they even have budgets. The budgets, hilariously and tastelessly divulged, range from a modest ÂŁ15,000 for Sandra and Terry (each, not between them), to a fabulously absurd ÂŁ200,000 for Phil.
â€śWeâ€™ve got Melinda Messenger, weâ€™ve got Katie Priceâ€¦ itâ€™s on par with A-listersâ€?, says Phil, whoâ€™s renewing his vows to hubby Gary after four years of marriage. Alright then, Phil, youâ€™re a celebrity. But no-one else is, right? Certainly not Terry:
â€śI know itâ€™s terrible but I couldnâ€™t remember which group he was from originallyâ€?.
It tries, it really tries to be Come Dine With Me, but that voiceover is more like the irritating teenager sitting behind you at the cinema who tries to be clever, saying something simple and snide after every line uttered on screen.
Weâ€™re only really watching this for the weddings, to satisfy that OK Magazine-cultivated curiosity for â€ścelebrityâ€? weddings, but the picking apart of the events and relentless bitching courtesy of Nicola cheapens the whole affair and at times itâ€™s uncomfortable to watch.
His role in East 17 may be debatable, but Terry holds the charade together providing a touch of comic relief. Itâ€™s easy to forget these are weddings, otherwise joyous occasions, but theyâ€™re reduced to tacky rubble when subjected to critical analysis. It doesnâ€™t quite work.
It’s good enough, though. It’ll stave off that craving for trash TV. Enjoy the power cuts, ex-Another Level members and toxically under-cooked lamb. And then feel a little dirty that you did.