“I Never Wanted To Be A Chef!” – Alternate Careers For TV Cooks

September 3, 2009 by  
Filed under - Home, Features

So Jamie Oliver has finally had enough of vengeful fat children slashing his tyres and is off stateside to discover some of the tastiest American dishes not served up by Ronald McDonald.

However, as pukka as his cooking shows are, we thought he was of much better use to an obese nation as a social campaigner for healthy living.

Sadly, for the foreseeable future he will remain in the kitchen, but if our favourite TV chefs weren’t stuck behind the chopping board, where might they have ended up?

Nigella Lawson – Porn Star

“When I do get a moment on my own, I do like to indulge myself? – every bloke knows exactly what this sentence means, and it has nothing to do with cooking.

However for Nigella Lawson, saying this is just as appropriate in the kitchen as inviting viewers to “look at this ravishing pool of melted chocolate?.


If you actually close your eyes during an episode you could easily be forgiven for thinking that you were watching some aristocrat having all sorts of food eaten from her naked body by a silent kitchen porter.

Further research reveals that to this domestic siren almost everything feels like heaven, she prefers it easy and she absolutely loves too swallow.

We’re confused Lawson, when is the man coming round to clean your oven?

Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall – Jackass Cast Member

After he declared war upon Tesco for its abuse of chicken civil rights, we were considering consigning this culinary hippy to a career with Greenpeace. But in our research we noticed a far more promising direction for the runaway HFW bandwagon.

Steve-O and his insane buddies have long been considered the most daring stuntees on TV, but I don’t think they realised that they had a nemesis in the making at River Cottage.


Nettle-flavoured ale sounds like a product that will probably not be making it on to our shelves any time soon – I honestly can’t imagine what must have been more painful, picking the stuff or drinking it.

Hairy Hugh’s penchant for roadkill gathering is also legendary, but even scraping a hedgehog from the highway to make a sandwich is favourable to eating a human placenta. He made pate with it! (Pate!!)

We’d like to see Knoxville try that one.

Gordon Ramsay – Football Manager

If this wrinkly headed Scotsman knocks people about and swears like a trooper when there are a crowd of TV cameras in the room, just imagine what he would do behind closed doors to the poor bloke who missed a penalty.

His previous experience in taking over failing businesses, giving everyone within earshot a tirade of abuse and then laying into the worst performers would make him ideal for England – although even he might have his work cut out.


If you intimidate a lazy chef to start cleaning his fridges then you should be able to get five professional footballers to score in a penalty shoot-out.

We can just see him shouting “when did you stop caring about this job?!? at Emile Heskey after another sloppy pass.

Delia Smith – First President of Independent Norfolk

The matriarch of British cooking has had nearly as many best-sellers as Stephen King, but we saw a very different side to her at a football match in 2005.

After one or five drinks she stumbled on to the pitch, nicked a microphone from an unsuspecting mascot and delivered an earth-shattering speech to the Carrow Road faithful.

Expert government people believe that Norfolk is only a few years from launching a revolution to throw off the shackles of English rule,* and who better to lead the tractor charge than the militant Delia ‘Braveheart’ Smith.

*It is assumed that this struggle would not be contested by a British ruling class which has been looking for a way to get rid of the region since it was accidentally reclaimed from the sea in the Middle Ages.

Ainsley Harriott – Probation Officer

Ainsley Harriott is like pizza – it is impossible not to like him, he’s just so cheerful. So if the man from Ready, Steady, Cook introduced himself as your new probation officer then even the most hardened crim might take his words on board.

The TV chef’s big smile and upbeat outlook on life would definitely make any of your problems seem less severe: “So you’ve spent all your JSA on crack again. What are you like??


And unlike all the other TV chefs – many of whom need a herb garden to make beans on toast – he could probably knock something up from the pitiful collection of ‘ingredients’ that the average dosser has in their cupboard.

Although in my case it still might be a struggle, he may have written a book called ‘Just Five Ingredients’, but unless he has one in the pipeline entitled ‘Bag of Potatoes and a Can of Dog Food’, then I might be going hungry.

Sean Marland