The 6 Most Stomach-Churning Soap Relationships

August 7, 2009 by  
Filed under - Home, Features

In a universe where hiring a hit-man to take care of your other half is seen as an acceptable way to end a relationship, its easy to dismiss the lovely Dawn proposing to the Phil Mitchell as a credible story-line.

Which, of course, it isn’t.

However this potential union pales into insignificance when we take a look back at some of the crazy relationships created by bored writers while they daydream about that contract for The Wire.

They were up against some very stiff competition, but these are the couples (and one threesome) that have made it to the official OTB list. We give you the most ridiculous and stomach-turning love affairs in the history of soapland.

Things are about to get uncomfortable.

Pat and Patrick – EastEnders

Its bad enough that your husband cheats on you, but to do it with Pat Butcher is the very definition of adding insult to injury. However, desire is desire, and even a man who apparently spends six hours a day in the Vic can not drink it away.

Despite a couple of poorly-planned killings in Coronation Street, the most disturbing story-line of 2007 came in the form of Patrick Trueman’s fling with Pat Butcher. It even surprised the shows producers who had been under the impression that flinging Pat Butcher would require a host of extra crew members.

To make matters worse for Yolande Trueman, she was also on the other end of a pre-emptive slap from the butcher. Surely it should have been the other way round?!

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We weren’t too impressed either, and watching the old slapper get her kit off sparked more complaints than Brian Harvey’s ill-fated guest appearance on Blue Peter.

Of all the people to get naked on television, maybe there isn’t a god.

Natty & George – Brookside

To our knowledge, even Pat Butcher didn’t get with her brother – I suppose there are some things that even Eastenders writers won’t do, but by 1996, with Brookside suffering the onset of a horrific ratings funk, producers sanctioned the one of the most controversial story-lines in the history of soapdom.

To the untrained eye Nat and Georgia Simpson were an average couple, however to the slightly trained eye they were bloody brother and sister. Had nobody bothered to tell them!? Turns out that everyone had, but they really didn’t care.

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The giant incest maniacs continued their spectacularly inappropriate relationship, and a cast that had put up with its fair share of weird crap over the years justifiably went mental.

When Georgia told Nat that she might be pregnant, so did the public. “This twist has seen the complaints flooding in,? said the shows anxious creator Phil Redmond as he frantically prepared to jump ship to Hollyoaks.

The most stomach-churning by-line to this whole palava was the fact that because Georgia was an attractive young woman, it was especially disgusting. Raising an important question – is it acceptable for ugly people to sleep with their kin if the alternative is a lifetime of forced celibacy?

The answer is no. We’re talking to you Sonia.

Fiz Brown and John Stape – Coronation Street

In the last 12 months Coronation Street has really set a new high watermark by creating one of the stupidest and twisted relationship triangles committed to film.

For those unfamiliar with the ridiculous situation at hand, let OTB give you a quick synopsis of this disturbing tryst.

John Stape was going out with Fiz Brown. Stape, a teacher from the local school ended up bedding one of his pupils, but that all finished acrimoniously when he kidnapped her and held her captive in a loft. Inevitably he was sent to prison for this infringement, which was when Fiz decided to propose to him.

Unfortunately for Fiz, John initially refused to meet her when she visited him in nick, but with a little perseverance…

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The real stomach churner here is the thought that someone has slept with this woman.

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Maybe the writers of Brookside were right; ugly families should be obliged to sleep with each other.

For ginger people it should be law.

Ian Beale and Melanie Healey – EastEnders

We’ve all embellished the truth to get someone into bed haven’t we? There is a line that we just should not cross though, and in 1999 Ian Beale ploughed across it with scant regard for any consequences that might befall him.

Telling your bird that your daughter has terminal cancer so that she will agree to marry you is frowned upon by even the most carefree of womanisers. Ironically enough, rat-face Beale was anything but and when she found out on their wedding night, Mel was out of there before you could say “mind the stall for five minutes?.

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The crazy part of the whole episode was the sheer short-sightedness of this brainwave. Did it not cross Ian’s brain that Mel might start asking questions in a couple of months when his daughter continued to miraculously wander in from school every day, apparently unravaged by her condition?

Here was a man truly living for the minute.

In his defence it should be mentioned that she was really really hot and he was – and still – is not.

Tyrone Dobbs and Maria Sutherland

Last year Ricky Hatton moved up a division and was soundly knocked out by a couple of big hitters. The lesson here is that you should avoid punching above your weight – it will end in tears. Admittedly Tyrone from Corrie lasted a bit longer than the Hitman, but the result was pretty much the same.

Possibly the loveliest woman to ever appear in Weatherfield, Maria Sutherland was a breath of fresh air to the street.

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Why and how she became engaged to this man – twice – is beyond most peoples comprehension.

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We were outraged to see this siren shacking up with such a simpleton, especially when the tiny-brain Dobbs ludicrously allowed Fiz of all people to come between them the first time round.

Well that’s what happens when your character can’t read.

Nancy, Ravi and Kris – Hollyoaks

More than most soaps, Hollyoaks is one beset with mind-blowingly ludicrous love-matches. So it was fitting that it should be this show which introduced what could be the relationship of the next soap generation – the three way relationship.

If ever there was a recipe for carnage, here it was. It was bottled soap-dust.

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For reasons that we don’t really understand and won’t bother trying to explain here, Nancy, Ravi and Kris found out that they were all sleeping with each other. Choosing the only dignified way out of such situation, they decided that a three way relationship would be the most sensible option (I mean what’s the worst that could happen?)

I dread to think how they attempted to classify that relationship on facebook.


Sean Marland

Sammy says:

Ace article! Made me giggle- had totally forgotten about the brother and sister on Hollyoaks!