Hardcore Profits Review: Penetrating The Issue

August 31, 2009 by  
Filed under - Home, Reviews

HARDCORE PROFITS: Monday 31st August, BBC2, 10pm Alert Me

It’s a double-edged sword, that internet.

As well as allowing us to download rare Steely Dan LPs, stalk our exes or share cauliflower cheese recipes (or read some second-to-none TV reviews), the information superhighway, it seems, is making perverts of us all.

A revolution in communication means pornography is becoming increasingly available. And deliciously profitable with it. But where is this profit going and what are the moral implications? Read More…

Five British Shows That Americans Should Watch

August 27, 2009 by  
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After nearly 250 unsuccessful years of attempting to reach teenagers with religion, it seems that America has opted for a sharp change in tactics.

By the time you read this, news of MTV’s last-ditch effort to make contact with the nation’s wayward youth will be unavoidable.

The TV channel that brought us the music video will be making a hillbilly version of the cult UK teen-show Skins – and if that doesn’t sort the kids out, then what will?

We’ve been swapping TV shows with our war-mongering buddies for years now, but it has come to our attention that there are a few other programmes urgently required across the water.

It’s for your own good America. Read More…

Big Brother Prize Money Withdrawn

August 27, 2009 by  
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This year’s Big Brother winner may be granted with copious column inches, covers of lads’ mags, or if they’re really lucky, a presenting career on satellite. But because of a stunt pulled yesterday in the Orwellian complex, they won’t be getting any prize money.

The £100,000 cash prize was withdrawn yesterday as the remaining contestants tried to break out of the house.

As Big Brother announced its decision every one of the housemate applauded, except Rodrigo who stormed to the Diary Room to insist they hadn’t broken any rules.

Earlier in the day, the housemates were told by Big Brother to “stop being so boring?, and to “do something entertaining?. So they escaped through the fire exit, running and screaming as security chased them around the camera zone.

They returned to the house to await their punishment and be unremarkable for another week before the series ends next Friday.

Big Brother cancelled? Deets here

The Lowdown: Things You Never Knew About Ulrika Jonsson

August 27, 2009 by  
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Nigella impersonator, weathergirl and Gladiator-botherer Ulrika Jonsson has always had a place in our hearts. Or our tabloids.

One day she would give a heartfelt confession about her difficult past or brush with domestic violence, the next she would undo all that public sympathy with her sexual philanderings.

Depending on the weather it seemed, we either (secretly) loved her or hated her. This year’s Celebrity Big Brother proved however, she does have some fans out there.

The woman is so frank we thought we’d set ourselves an impossible task, to find things we don’t know about the Swedish beauty. But we have a duty to you so we prevailed, and in celebration of the return of Shooting Stars, enjoy a few things you might not have known about Team B captain Ulrika-ka-ka…

1. She was born Eva Ulrika Jonsson in 1967, in Solluntuna, Sweden, where Cuttin’ Eye Joe hit-makers Rednex are from. She moved to England at the age of 12. Born on August 16th, she shares her birthday with Madonna. Read More…

Grease The School Musical Review: Tell Me About It, Dud!

August 27, 2009 by  
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GREASE THE SCHOOL MUSICAL: Sunday 30th August, Sky1, 7pm Alert Me

We’re not sure but we’re almost convinced that Duncan James woke up one morning and asked his magic mirror, ‘How can I look more smug and just generally self satisfied?’

If you saw the first version of this show, in which the musical in question was Hairspray and the presenter was Denise Van Outen, then you know it’s no X Factor.

The Blue singer has scoured the country looking for schools to participate in a West End version of Grease. The kids need to be actors, dancers and singers and while it wasn’t technically a requirement, they need to be fairly pleasant to look at.

Duncan From Blue will be helped by vocal coach and part time Human? Scotsman? Politician?

How To Snare A Millionaire Review: Going For (G)old

August 27, 2009 by  
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HOW TO SNARE A MILLIONAIRE: Friday 28th August, Channel 4, 7:30pm Alert Me

It’s a title that would make a thousand feminists wince.

The first in a series of documentaries showcasing new film-making talent, How to Snare a Millionaire sees 28-year-old eternal singleton Rebecca Arnold on a shameless quest to bagsy a rich man.

Ooh, car crash…

Oh, but she doesn’t want to compromise herself. Yeah, you’ve lost us.

She signs up to upmarket dating agency Berkeley International, dropping £6,000 for the privilege. The screening process, a session to gauge her personality and what she’s after is brutal. She is asked very personal questions about her dating past, judged and pitied by her Louboutin-heeled Fairy Godmother. Read More…

Sold?: Touch Of Grey Is Not The New Black

August 26, 2009 by  
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What should you do when a batch of faulty produce comes off the production line? Flog it anyway – a person may be clever, but everyone knows that people are stupid.

And believe us folks, there can be no stupider group people than those desperately clinging to their youth with all the strength their arthritis-addled fingers can muster. Just look at what happened to Michael Jackson…

When Just For Men realised that someone had cooked up a faulty mix of their secret recipe, they feverishly began thinking of ways to market this mishap.

After offering it to Tim Westwood as make-up, the marketing department decided to move in a far less imaginative direction.

And this is what they came up with. Ironically, it’s almost enough to turn any advertising exec’s hair grey.

For many years Just For Men have mercilessly harvested the grey pound, turning respectable middle-aged blokes into idiots who quite obviously dye their hair, but they may have hit a new low with this advert.

After their profits took a pounding earlier this year when Tom Jones finally accepted his greyness, the JFM bosses could be forgiven for a shot in the dark, but this tactic will surely be unable to fill that chasm-like shortfall.

I just felt sorry for the poor bloke on the left who started the ad with brown hair and ended up looking like he had aged 20 years and been attacked with a felt-tip.


Sean Marland

Check out OTB’s other favourite commercial aberrations..

Derren Brown The Events Trailer

August 26, 2009 by  
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The scary oogly-eyed mind trickster is back.

Derren Brown returns to Channel 4 this autumn with The Events – his most ambitious undertaking to date. Derren’s previous stunts have seen him cheat death playing Russian Roulette; convince people to rob an armoured security van; and beat the bookies with a foolproof horse race gambling system.

Derren’s been working on The Events for over a year, producing four highly complex shows of ‘misdirection’. Each event has an underlying theme, to trick, to win, to fool and, of course, to control.



Derren Brown The Events is coming soon (cue spooky music).

Big Brother Axed!

August 26, 2009 by  
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Big Brother is to be scrapped by Channel 4 following disappointing ratings this year, according to a report by The Sun.

Barely 2 million have been tuning in to this series of the programme, compared to 8 million only a few years ago.

A telly insider confirmed last night an official announcement will be made as early as Friday, saying: “The reality is people are BORED with it. Even at Channel 4 the vibe among staff is that if you like Big Brother you’re not cool”.

They continued: “If the people commissioning the show don’t think it’s cool, what hope is there?”

The show was launched in 2000, a “bold experiment” in which a number of morons are thrown into a neonified complex, or “house”, for the public to scrutinise and ridicule for a predetermined number of weeks.

But year by year the contestants got duller and duller.

There will be one final series next year because of Channel 4′s deal with the show producers Endemol – and Celebrity Big Brother fans are likely to get their fix in January.

UPDATED!: C4 director of television Kevin Lygo has just confirmed that next year will be the last for Big Brother, at the network’s Autumn press launch. He said: “We’ve decided it’s time to move on”, adding: “Big Brother is still profitable for Channel 4 despite its reduced popularity and there could have been the option to renew it on more favourable terms.

“That’s what a purely commercial broadcaster would have done, but Channel 4 has a public remit to champion new forms of creativity.”

Big Brother production company Endemol is now expected to take the show to another broadcaster for 2011. ITV has previously expressed interest in acquiring the rights, although Five and Sky1 are also potential candidates. But where will that leave Davina?


For our rather askew/wish-fulfillment take on the Ultimate Big Brother (in which the best housemates of the last 10 series are forced to fight in a duel to the death), click here!

Strictly Come Dancing 2009 Line-Up Revealed!

August 25, 2009 by  
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What are you reading this for? Click below to see the celebrity line-up for this year’s Strictly Come Dancing!


So…… what do you think of dem apples?

Who will win? Who will lose? Discuss/Argue below!

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