TV Marriages: They Only End In Tears (Or Drunkness & Death)

July 8, 2009 by  
Filed under - Home, Features

Who doesn’t love a wedding? Anyone who’s ever been a bridesmaid probably.

While they’re fun for the happy couple and the vicar who’s sloshed on communal wine, it’s boring as hell for the rest of us. Sure we’re ‘happy’ for the bride and groom but we’re mostly waiting for the free bar at the reception or the inevitable family fireworks.

The black sheep that might gatecrash? A drunken uncle/pervert perhaps? The bride who shags the best man hours after the ceremony?

In light of the new Come Dine With Me take on the ‘big day’s, Four Weddings (check out our review here), we compiled a list of our favourite TV nuptial cock-ups.


Once again Phil Mitchell managed to drag his knuckles down the aisle to marry Cruella Stella who had secretly been abusing Phil’s strangely feminine son, Ben.

These two were the odd couple; Phil being part gorilla and Stella looking like a frightened squirrel for most of their relationship. They didn’t exactly look in love.

Stella later jumped off the roof of an abandoned factory. All’s well that ends well then.


Steve McDonald and his trash-tastic almost bride Becky Granger have got car crash written all over them.

Having set their date for Friday 13th, we could hope for the worst. There’s nothing that says ‘I love you’ less than your bride to be turning up to the ceremony too drunk to go through with it.

Love is… slurring your words, stumbling down the aisle then having to cut the whole thing short to nip to the loo.

She’s a lady. Whoah whoah whoah. She’s a lady.


The 50s housewife of the Sex and the City girls, Charlotte met her Jewish prince in divorce lawyer, Harry. Sadly a picture of the happy couple printed in the papers appeared to give Charlotte a Hitler style tash.

I think that sets the tone for what turned out to be a day of total mishaps from start to finish. Charlotte spilled wine on her white dress, Harry couldn’t break the glass in the ceremony and Miranda set fire to her toast. Mazel tov.

Let’s see that proposal…


‘Take thee Rachel…’

At the pivotal moment, Ross makes a fatal error at his wedding to British totty Emily. In the shocking final moments of season 4, Rachel showed up to stop the wedding only to realise that it wasn’t to be. Ross apparently couldn’t do the same and ballsed it up.

When Ross ran into Rachel at the airport and decided that it would be super fantastic if she joined him on his honeymoon trip. But of course, Emily turned up and saw them about to leave together. With her trust in Ross shattered, she would eventually file for divorce.

Ross Gellar: dick.


These two Friends rocked their drunken wedding Vegas style complete with black marker pen all over their faces and a wedding reception at Pizza Hut. Classy.

After fans waited years for the ‘will they, won’t they’ to finally end in a wedding, we we felt robbed. A drunken mess of a ceremony? I feel cheap and used.

Well we all know that the show ended with Ross and Rachel happy together again, so at least we have an imaginary wedding for the pair. Don’t we? Anyone? Just me?


They were the golden couple of Neighbours. She was blonde and beautiful. He was… well you’ve seen him.

After Dee lost a baby from a previous relationship, she and Toadie were drawn together and eventually fell in love. ‘Serenading balconies’ love. ‘Running through fields of wild flowers’ love.

They were so in love they had to kiss whilst driving away from their wedding, causing Toadie to crash the car and send it flying over a cliff. Toadie survived but Dee’s body was never found and is presumed dead.

This wasn’t a first for Neighbours, remember what happened to Harold? Old Jelly Belly came back from supposed death and was reunited with Madge. Come back Dee, Steph’s a bitch!

Emily Moulder