When Animals Bite Back: Movie Reasons To Go Vegetarian

May 22, 2009 by  
Filed under - Home, Features

Oh the benefits of evolution; we were once but minute particles and look how far we’ve come. No longer do we walk at a 45 degree angle, no more do we resemble our chimp cousins. Still, most vegetarians will punch you square in the ‘nads if you start on with the “But we’re at the top of the food chain” shizz.

Just because we lord it over nature as though we somehow deserve it, we seem to have forgotten that most of our food is just a genetic hop, skip and a jump away from becoming ever more like us.

Here’s to the films that remind us of the true power of non-human living beings and keep many of us crouching in fear. They don’t call it the animal kingdom for nowt, you know.

DOCTOR DOLITTLE




What better way to make mankind pay for years of animal torture than to pick on one particularly outspoken homosapien and subject him to a series of psychological abuse?


Who could be a better victim than two-timing, Spice-baby denying, gay-bashing scumbag turned “family friendly” actor, Eddy Murphy.


Hearing voices are we? Aww poor you, at least you can sleep at night knowing you’ll never be plucked, battered, deep fried and served with chips.


We’ve already had the National Donkeys Union on the phone – they want to tear a few (sugar) lumps out of him for his inaccurate ass-portrayal in the Shrek franchise and we imagine others won’t be far behind.


Anyone for a Murphy-skin rug?

DEEP BLUE SEA


Some might ask “Just what has Samuel L. Jackson done to offend our four-legged friends?”


To those I would just say this: “That is one tasty burger”.


And it’s not just farm animals that have beef with Jacko. Reptiles and amphibians are there to wreak havoc that the cuter fluffier animals can’t handle. Sharks, for example, are like the Mitchell brother of the animal world and if there’s any film that shows the little genetically-modified fishies getting their own back, it’s Deep Blue Sea.


I don’t know if you’re aware of this Samuel L. but it’s preeeeeeetty difficult to save the gang when you’re chopped up into tiny pieces and floating somewhere inside the lower intestine.


Only Pinocchio was ever lucky enough to get swallowed whole, and he was a puppet.

MY GIRL




Why would a swarm of bees want to attack cute, blonde, button-nosed Maccauley Culkin? Umm, hello, have you never seen Home Alone? It was so painful I’d have given him anaphylactic shock if I had a giant poisonous barb in my ass. Yeah, that’s right, even if it killed me.


Oi, Culkin, how would you like it if a giant bee turned up and toe-punted your house until your queen barfed all over the worker-bee day shift? Those honey targets aren’t just a guideline you know, they have wives and children to provide for.


Some people eh? No bleeding respect for their insects.

ANACONDA




Films with boats always seem to have that one weird hunter-type, the expert in all things creepy and weird, who incidentally has a dodgy ponytail and likes to sneak into your room when you’re undressing. Yick. I’d say J-Lo would be better off feeding him to the giant snake (and the other violent beast on board – her huge butt)… wait, hold up…Owen Wilson?! Is that you?


I suppose if anyone is to fill the role of human vol-au-vent, he’d be a perfectly suitable candidate. That death scene in Marley and Me was just inexcusable, somebody has to pay.

28 DAYS LATER




I think Flight of The Conchords sang it best when discussing the negative implications of animal testing on the wider community:


There’s people on the street getting diseases from monkeys
Yeah that’s what I said, they’re getting diseases from monkeys
Now there’s these junkies with monkeys disease
Whose touching these monkeys please
Leave these poor sick monkeys alone
They’ve got problems enough as it is


Perhaps if we’d followed this advice we wouldn’t have poor Cillian Muphy freezing his knackers off in a hospital gown, in post-apocalyptic London.


It’s hardly appropriate zombie armour, is it?

FAST FOOD NATION




By the end of this movie I was weeping for every long-lashed cow whose life was abruptly halted in order to warm the stomach of a human being. Then again, I was still recovering from treading on an unsuspecting snail the week before…


I defy anyone to watch this and not hurl at the thought of another McCrappo Burger.


This relentless denunciation of the meat industry has a great cast, a darkly honest script and a message that the whole world is still finding hard to swallow.


I heart Richard Linklater 4 life.

THE FLY




For all the little bunnies that have suffered at the hands of evil cosmetic and pharmaceutical companies, The Fly is your own personal revenge fantasy epic.


Oh, sure, Mr Intellectual Scientist Man may have a fancy PHD and some flashy, beeping equipment but he doesn’t factor the secret insect sabateur into his phermo-dynamic equation does he?


And look how grim and grotesque he turns out. Not so clever when your DNA has been spliced beyond recognition are we? Let that be a lesson to you.

WALLACE AND GROMIT: THE WRONG TROUSERS



I’m of the opinion, that even if people aren’t eating animals, they’re still underestimating them. Who’d have thought a cute little penguin would want to murder Wallace and Gromit?

You Squawk-ing To Me?

You Squawk-ing To Me?

He’s the worst kind of villain – the strong, silent type. Who knows what goes on in that complicated mind or under that red rubber glove?

Just try not to get hypnotised by his face – it’s almost like he’s commanding you to go Veggie just with his stare. Now try telling me that those black beady eyes don’t burn with the fires of hell.

CUJO




Jack McKay is still a dribbling wreck after the shocking footage in this week’s top TV pick My Weapon Is A Dog.


Man’s best friend can quickly turn into everyone’s worst enemy and before you know it your little’un’s been gnawed off to the kneecaps. For the Cujo effect simply add a splash of rabies and the dark and twisted mind of Stephen King, throw in some “fast food” and you’ll be reconsidering that puppy for Christmas faster than you can say “Sit, boy, siiiiiiiiiit!!”




Sally McIlhone