Danny Dyer: Press-o-phobic
Who’s that lurking under your bed at night scraping the walls with a rusty spoon, moaning like a zombie hyena and grabbing at your bedsheets with bloodstained finegrnails? Well, it’s hardly going to be a journalist that strikes fear into your heart is it?!
Yet it seems that us media-scribblers are just the beasts that keep not-so-hard-man Danny Dyer awake at night, and stop him from agreeing to join the cast of Eastenders.
Dyer claims that the recent buzz over his proposed role has given him “the horrors”. You can just imagine his tiny little brain silently imploding at the thought of press exposure. What, a newspaper reporting some, gasp, news?! ARRRRRRRRGGGGHHH! Run for your lives!!!!!!!! What he fails to realise is that newspapers (or the good ones at least) are mostly made up of stories that go beyond the boundaries of Walford. There’s a whole world out there Dyer. It’s not all about you.
However, we at OTB have sniffed out the real reason for Dyer’s about turn. We cottoned on to his attempts at Ross Kemp impersonation before (Danny Dyer’s Deadliest Men bears a startling resemblance to Ross Kemp On Gangs) and now he fears this would just be one step too far. Although he claimed the role would help him “shed his hard man image”, clearly Dyer would be unable to resist the urge to shave his head and start nutting people.
He would be Grant Mitchell, mark 2. Now that would be Dyer…