Top 6 Unintentionally Hilarious On-Screen Deaths

February 23, 2009 by  
Filed under - Home, Features

We’ve all been there.

Those moments of horrific social awkwardness where no-one, absolutely no-one else happens to be laughing. School Assemblies, loud farts on crowded trains, Rob Schneider movies.

But never more is the silence so deafeningly embarrassing than at the cinema. When 200 other people are dabbing their hankies and sniffling into their popcorn, a raucous belly laugh isn’t exactly subtle.

So, in celebration of Schadenfreude and Hollywood’s overabundance of self-knowingly serious films with melodramatic, ridiculous death-FAILS, here’s our list of unintentionally hilarious on-screen demises.

6. Meet Joe Black

Or ‘The Rise of the Bum Implants’, as its known amongst the medical fraternity.

You may not be aware, but statistics released by the BFI prove those subjected to all three hours of Brad Pitt’s turgid, bum-numbing fantasti-romanciphy (fantasy romance philosophy) were at risk of losing approximately 79% responsiveness in at least one buttock. As a result, silicon butt cheek implants skyrocketed in the summer of 1998.

To be fair, it didn’t help its cause by peaking a little too early. If Joe Black had a middle name, it’d probably be Stuart or Steve. Maybe Clive.

But for the purposes of the snarky one liner, we’d bet our money on ‘Pleadingly Earnest’. With so much serious face frownage and self-knowingly heavy morality debates, it’s even more bizarre that it opens with a moment of such brilliant slapstick.

What You’re Supposed To Do: Cry that you’ve just seen pretty boy Pitt splattered across the pavement.

What You Actually Do: Laugh at the fact that that was probably the most stupid thing you’ve ever seen committed to camera. Crossing the road is never going to be the most mentally taxing of things, and Pitt’s earnest, longing stare isn’t enough to disguise the fact that anyone stood in the middle of a busy public road for 3 minutes at a time quite frankly has it coming.

And to hammer home the fact that this is a film ALL ABOUT DEATH, they’ve quite literally over-killed with not one, but two cars indulging in a little game of human pinball.

Now, three hours of this on the other hand….

Oscar-worthy.

5. City of Angels

Nope – not the death of Nicholas Cage’s acting career (that didn’t really gather momentum until 8mm), but Meg Ryan’s glorious swan dive into the oncoming headlights of a logging truck.

Like a fine wine, Ryan’s spectacular suicide (we’re under no illusions here. What’s the first thing you’d do having just woken up to the realisation you’ve slept with Nicholas Cage?) only gets better with age. Especially after her punchable appearance on Parky showed her up for the arty-farty pretentious muppet she really is.

Obviously this film is so well loved that absolutely no-one has seen fit to upload the scene onto YouTube. So for those with an active imagination, here’s what happens: Cage has just gone through Hell to become human. Just so he can get it on with Smeg Ryan. One Most Romantic Night Ever™ later and Ryan decides to go for a peddle down to the shop to get some melons. For some inexplicable reason, she’s so unflinchingly happy she decides to close her eyes, stretch out her arms and soak up the sun.

Whilst riding a bike down a windy mountain road.

Artist's Impression

Artist's Impression

While we may not have the actual video to show you, we have the next best thing. This vomit-inducingly sickening beauty of a video, uploaded by the movie’s real target audience. Retards.


City of AngelsWatch more amazing videos here

Think that’s harsh? Before you judge, just check out this comment that was left by one user.

“Evrey time i see this film i start to cry
in this film u can see angell changed to a human cuz love and at the end who he was love die . :’( …It’s Really Hard…)’:”

Middo19991? We salute you.

What You’re Supposed To Do: Weep into your pope action figure, gaze into your dreamcatcher and hope – nay, pray, that Ryan doesn’t slip away just as Cage has sacrificed his angelhood and hereto unfathomable levels of serenity just to be with her.

What You Actually Do: Laughter-pee so hard the usher’s going to have to change the seat cover once you leave. One: it’s a freaking logging truck. How can she not see that coming? Two: This woman deserves a Darwin Award for a death so stupidly senseless it makes Joe Black up there look positively cautious in comparison. How the hell has she survived this long?

We get it – you’re happy. Most people express that by laughing, smiling, maybe going out and buying a big bar of Fruit and Nut. Not uni-cycling no-handed down the M25.

And if that isn’t good enough, you get the added amusement of watching Cage try his hardest to express anything other than his typical smell the fart method acting.

4. Titanic

So…. you’ve just survived the biggest marine disaster of all time. Fires, gunfights, Houdini-like watery deathtraps and class boundaries have all been overcome. And after all of that you snuff it because of a piddly little cold?

More importantly, we as viewers have just sat through 3 hours of bloated romance waffle for what? A flash of Winslet’s nipples, a special effect here and there and a Celine Dion ear-violation. We deserve better than a Gareth Gates stutter-fest and a quiet human popsicle slide into the eternal nether.

Oh well, at least we’ve got the bouncy CGI cannon fodder to cheer us up (2:13 and on).

What You’re Supposed To Do: Bawl like a baby as Rose is left a doddery, squeaky old spinster.

What You Actually Do: Fidget uncomfortably and roll your eyes at the melodramatic waffley-ness of it all.

Here’s a thought – if you’re that cold, just pee yourself.

3. Return of the Jedi

You can’t help but wonder what goes on in George Lucas’ head some days.

You’re on the home stretch of a box office-busting, genre defining trilogy and hold the hopes and dreams of millions of avid fans in the palm of your beard. So you’re going to ensure you make Return of the Jedi the most pimpin’, lightsaber searingly brilliant thing ever.

Right?
1982: 20th Century Fox Studios

George Lucas: “Ok, now it’s time to start rolling out the money shots. You remember that Bobba Fett dude? The one we’ve spent a crappy holiday special and whole other film making so Fonzee-level cool that the fans are getting already hosting ‘Fett-athons’?!?

Studio Execs: “Hell Yeah. Come on George. Dazzle us.?

GL: “Right, well basically we’re going to have this huge fight at the beginning of the movie and he’s gonna end up going down in a blaze of glory…?

Studio Execs: (looking worried) “Riiiiiight….. You do know we have $250,000 in merchandising riding on this character??

GL: “Don’t worry! It’ll be fine! Well, as everything starts kicking off around Jabba the Hutt’s brothel, Fett’s just about to strike down Luke when Han Solo knocks him over in a ‘Some Mothers Do ‘Ave Em/Chuckle Brothers’ moment of slapstick hilarity.?

Studio Execs: “Erm…Well, we th-“

GL: (Excitedly) “And then he’ll tumble down into the mouth of a giant sand vagina! It’ll be awesome!?

Studio Execs: “…..?


(Check out 2:16)

GL: “Or…. I’ve been thinking of this wacky new boggly eyed character called Jar Jar Binks who talksa like theesa an-?

Studio Execs: “No, no…. That’s fine George. We’ll stick with the first one.?
: We honestly have no idea. Think Han’s….. badass?!

What You Actually Do:
The character you’ve spent your childhood idolising just got taken out by a sand vagina. What else can you do? Laugh and convince yourself he totally planned it that way. Cos, you know, Fett was that cool, even life was too pussy for him.

What You’re Supposed To Do

2. Matrix Revolutions

Newton’s admittedly lesser known law of physics, the ‘Keanu Paradox’, directly states that in the presence of one Mr Reeves, Time itself is so shocked by his inexplicably powerful powers of monotony, it is jolted into moving slower.

That’s right – one second watching ‘cut-him-and-he-splinters’ Reeves has been factually proven to feel like 4 real hours.

You see that timer? 4 minutes. 4 painfully slow minutes (and this is the edited version) of Carrie Ann-Moss dragging out what should have been one of the coolest take-downs around. Two movies-worth of clairvoyant foreshadowing pointed towards ol’ Trin taking a dirt-nap, but at least we thought she’d go down all guns blazing. Instead we get her impaled on a piece of plastic tubing, gurgling her way into the eternal nether.

Trinity seemingly dies so many times in that short stretch of time, you end up just wanting her to get on with it. Around the 1 minute market she tells us she’s dead.

Boo-hoo. Group hug.

Now Neo, go forth and use that burning ragey vengeance to kick some Architect-ass.

1 minute later…. she’s still talking. Oh, but that’s ok. She’s just reassuring us that she’s literally about to die.

Another minute later….. she’s STILL waffling on? Even Neo’s looking at his watch.

It’s like the end of Return of the King. On a loop – every time you think it’s going to end, it just starts up all over again.

A death so unbelievably crappy, even Urban Dictionary has it’s own definition.

Trinity Death: A terrible death for a great hero who died like a stock character rather than going out fighting.

What You’re Supposed To Do: Be at least partially invested in a character you’ve just spent 8 hours watching. Let’s be honest though – did anyone really care once she’d slid out of the latex?

What You Actually Do: Roll your eyes so hard Linda Blair would run screaming, before realising you’re seeing the Matrix’s very own take on Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

1. Executive Decision

By 1996, Steven Seagal was at the top of his game. Quite what that game was is still yet to be pinpointed, but in the world of ass-kicking cooks, he was undoubtedly King.

Yeah yeah, Kurt Russell’s big ugly mug was on all the one sheets, but we all knew that ol Stevie would be the main draw. Ass kicking on a submarine, train…. now a plane?! This was going to rock.

Well, it was going to up until this rather early point in the film……

…. When he gets sucked out of a stealth plane at 30,000 feet.

Aside from the fact that this is probably the greatest crowd-pleasing moment ever, it’s the combination of the cartoony special effects as he flies away like a deflated balloon and Kurt Russell’s completely half-arsed incompetence in trying to save him in the first place that makes us giggle.

What makes us erupt into a belly laugh though, is the on-set rumours that Seagal was never supposed to die in the first place. Apparently he was being such a wage diva (Under Siege 2 will do that to you) that the director thought ‘sod this’ and just had him written out. And THEN, he started moaning about how his death wasn’t realistic enough.

This, coming from the man who claims he’s actually a clairvoyant God who’s teaching his fans through the power of facial expressions.


What You’re Supposed To Do:
Sit there in shock that the big star action hero has just snuffed it barely half an hour into the movie.

What You Actually Do:
Revel in the moment of wish-fulfilment absolute. All the times you secretly wanted the cheesy indestructible action hero to stub his toe or fall on his face? It’s right here and done with such chutzpah you can’t help but smile.

Matt Risley

So, waddaya think? Did the sight of Brad Pitt bouncing around the tarmac spark warm, oddly fuzzy feelings? If it did, make sure to check out our hilarious, adolescence-defiling exploration into the Top 8 Genearation Defining Teenage Shows.

StarWarsBuff says:

Boba Fett doesn’t die. It was pointed out in a CANON novel that Boba Fett kills the sand best thing (the name escapes me) from the inside.

Sheena says:

How could you not include sean connery? Every death scene he has
ever been in, he hams up to the point you wish he had actually died
onscreen, because that is three minutes of eye rolling and gurgling
you will never get back.

Kristen says:

Serenity. “I’m a leaf on the wind, watch how I-”
It’s not so much funny ha-ha, as funny ‘Oh my frik, what the hell just happened, I think I need to start laughing because this HAS to be a joke and any second now Wash is going to come back and tell us it was all a joke. Ha. Ha. Joss how could you do this to us? Ha? Ha?’

jackdawsonsgrl says:

Titanic being hilarious?! You’re sick. How could you say that?! That moment was there so you’d think about, not only Jack & Rose, but the other 1500 people who dies that night.

It’s not hilarious at all. You suck at what you think is hilarious.

KevMaverick says:

Titanic – Hilarious? I think not!

The scene is there, not just to make you think of Rose & Jack, but also the 1500+ people who died in the disaster. James Cameron only included a love story in the film so that the viewers could focus on two people, who the audience would identify with, and follow through the events of that awful tragedy.

By focussing on just two people, the audience was meant to ‘get a feeling’ of those awful events, by getting to know them, and to see the disaster through their eyes.

I don’t find that hilarious at all!

rob says:

celine dion ear violation! hahahahaha priceless. i will so be using that.

Rebecca says:

So true about Titanic. I almost wet myself when Rose says ‘ill never let you go Jack’ then literally seconds later she lets him go!!

Then theres the feeble old lady who plops into the Ocean that massive jewel!! hellooo!! i so could have dropeed that better! Wicked reviews.Totally made me laugh all over again!!

Dava says:

Hahahah!!!

The Meet Joe Black pinball vid is classic.

Chris Radford says:

You’ve got a point with Meet Joe Black and Executive Decision, but totally disagree with Jedi. He didn’t punk out! That’s just Lucas being Lucas.

What about X-Men 3 with Cyclops?

jilldouchier says:

lolzorred hard at this

Tom says:

So true. Leo Dicaprio has annoyed me for years – was glad to see him snuff it and was laughing all the way.