Top 6 Fictional Characters you used to have a crush on but who’d be horrible to date

February 12, 2009 by  
Filed under Features

If Romeo and Juliet had survived long enough to see a Valentines day even they would have disliked it. After all, Romeo kind of played all his cards a little too early when it came to being romantic. Fighting a wealthy family head on, being banished from Verona and ultimately dying for love would have made a rose and a big novelty card on Valentines seem like something of an insult. Alas, the pair, due to their obvious lack of communication as a couple, both snuffed it rather needlessly.

For the rest of us star crossed lovers Valentines day is a chance to prove just how romantic we can be. This can often be a very bad idea. So if you’re sat there with some recently unwrapped Tesco value white wine, or a 2-for-1 Pizza Express voucher, or worse still a pair of edible underpants with a sell by date that suddenly looks a bit too close for comfort, then day dream away about some of Hollywood’s most desired.

What would they do on Valentines day? Would it really be any better? No matter what gets your credits rolling, things are never as perfect as they seem:

If you like the idea of being rescued over one shoulder and galloping 20 miles on horseback to find the most convenient haystack:



'But I take it everywhere with me…'

Going out with the hunky warrior may seem like a dream come true but let’s really think about it. You would be limited to going somewhere that doesn’t involve a smart/casual dress code, as the guy really is a bit of a scruff. Any chance of getting away for a romantic weekend would be hampered by his almost certain run in with a customs team demanding explanation for his substantial battle gear. Plus, he’s likely to get a bit annoyed if you hound him about getting a ring… He’s had more than enough of that crap.

CONVERSATION – Prepare to learn a thing or two about Middle Earth, and dwarves. You’ll think you’re at a Warcraft convention. 6/10
COMPATABILITY – He tends to go for elves…Good luck 2/10
ROMANTIC STREAK – The fact that he will probably be left dazed and confused by the new currency system, not to mention inflation, makes the chances of getting dinner paid for very slim 1/10

Conclusion – 3/10 The guy may have honour and fight well in battle, but you don’t see women advertising for those attributes in the personals too often.

If you’re into your Sci Fi fantasies and like the idea of probing aliens:



'…and who’s that scruffy boy you insist on hanging around with at break time?'

Far too many men have spent time daydreaming about rescuing the Princess before receiving a grateful reward. But Lea has a bit too much history with incest for your average man’s liking and let’s face it, the cost of getting a taxi back to her place would be out of this world. With hyper speed a distinct possibility in a galaxy far far away you could also be left fairly embarrassed in the morning.

CONVERSATION – My god this woman is more patronising than a nursery school teacher. Plus she’s always rambling on about ‘her’ home planet this and ‘her’ home planet that. Take those mufflers off your ears and you might hear someone else for a change. 1/10
COMPATABILITY – When was the last time you struck a chord with an alien? …’So how’s the weather on the death star?’ 1/10
ROMANTIC STREAK – She seems to get a lot done for her and doesn’t give an awful lot in return.- although she does like to dress up. 3/10

Conclusion – 1.6/10 Like Hans, you’re better off solo.

If you like your action fast, furious and seemingly never ending:



At the request of his PR guy, the NHS were obliged to pull Bond from their 'CONDOM: Essential Wear' ad campaign

Going out for dinner with the suave British spy might seem like a good idea but in reality there are many draw backs. The man is a sexual menace, and it is fairly guaranteed your waiter for the evening will be a crazy Korean henchman who is more interested in freeing up the table than getting a 10 percent service charge. Plus, Bond must have bedded at least 20 percent of the human population, fact. Prepare for a trip to the health clinic in the morning.

CONVERSATION – If you can take puns flying at you like blue flies then you’re in for a treat. If you don’t like your name being turned into a sexual innuendo at all costs, call and cancel now. 4/10
COMPATABILITY – Like a chameleon this man can adapt to any woman he meets. If your name’s not Moneypenny, ‘you gonna get it on’. 6/10
ROMANTIC STREAK – There is no doubt he’s a charmer. But you know he’s only doing it for one thing. When was the last time you saw Bond get up in the morning and cook breakfast? 4/10

Conclusion – 4.7/10 You’re just another mission

If double tapping X and holding down R2 counts as pushing your buttons:



'Wanna see an even more impressive figure?'

Alright, she is a very talented woman. But she spends far too much time running around caves and traipsing through dirty sewers. Personal hygiene would be a problem. It is important to think about your self esteem here too. If she’s telling you stories about ancient crystal discoveries and world saving trips around the globe, your heroic tale of hitting this month’s sales target is going to be about as impressive as a pair of soiled khaki shorts.

CONVERSATION – ‘Me me me me me, oh by the way what do you think about me?’ 1/10
COMPATABILITY – If you feel like you can get on with someone who ‘raids’ tombs for a living then it may be an idea to seek help. 1/10
ROMANTIC STREAK – She uses candle light for one thing, and it’s not to mood light a tasty looking home cooked meal, it’s to spot cave bears… hot 2/10

Conclusion – 1.3/10 If you don’t want to hear some elaborate excuse about why she’s running late, stay home… Thinking about it, if she was hanging off some cliff in the middle of nowhere she probably wouldn’t even have the decency to call.

If you’ve always fancied a peak inside Davy Jones’ locker:



Who needs treasure when you look this good?

Here’s a guy who wears make up, steals money, drinks too much and fancies Keira Knightly. For most men this would be a recipe for disaster. But if he floats your boat despite these issues than you’re on to a winner, just don’t expect him to pick up the tab… or to avoid the phrase ‘can I borrow your mascara?’

CONVERSATION – Drunken ramblings may be funny for a while but it’ll come to the stage where you need to confront him about his reliance on alcohol. Do you really want to attend the AA meetings? 2/10
COMPATABILITY – Maybe read up on the pirates code. Also, ask yourself if you mind parrots around the house, he’s bound to get the urge eventually. 3/10
ROMANTIC STREAK – He would steal the wire from your bra if it meant paying back a debt. You’d have to check your jewellery box everyday. 2/10

Conclusion -2.3/10 It may look nice when you stare out to sea, but in reality it’s freezing cold and full of industrial sewage, if you get the drift.

Finally, if you like to marvel at superheroes:



Dining out may prove tricky- and that's not taking into account that most restaurants don't have cat litter trays...

The idea seems good in principle but what does a cat have that would make a cat-woman so desirable? They’re only ever around if there’s food on the go, you spend half the time changing the kitty litter and they have horrendously sharp claws which could cause many a problem in many an area. Overall, it would probably be better just to sit through the film again…Actually no, stick with changing the kitty litter.

CONVERSATION – Not many cats grab the attention with their quick wit really, although a night with Garfield would be a laugh. 3/10
COMPATABILITY – You’ve got nine lives to try and work things out, the odds are good. 5/10
ROMANTIC STREAK – How would you react if you’re sat in a restaurant watching your date licking up a bowl of milk? 1/10

Conclusion – 3/10 No room for puppy love here, don’t waste your money installing a cat flap.

Hopefully you’re starting to appreciate the edible underpants a little more now. Anymore for anymore? I must have missed some big named heartthrobs. Come on, we can all be bitter together. Lets name and shame over a nice glass of Tesco’s finest.

Craig Woods

Nerika says:

ha ha, great article! Oh and I love the new site layout, so much better!

Jen G says:

This made me chucklekle – especially the aragorn stuff

Sarah says:

Who is this guy?! I love him!

Ellie says:

Very enlightening! But i’d still do Jack Sparrow. He’s FIT!

Jen says:

This is actually amazing! I laughed alot!