Top Ten things Telly should give up in 2009

January 7, 2009 by  
Filed under Features

By now many of us will have inevitably succumbed to the annual pressure that is making a New Year’s resolution.  OntheBox’s Craig Woods doesn’t see why TV should be any different as he suggests the ten things that telly should really be cutting back on for the new year…

The start of a new year is upon us which can only mean the inevitable resolutions that plague the first few weeks of January. Smokers will give up puffing for a week, overweight joggers will fill the streets for a few evenings and pubs will find themselves serving more orange juices in one night than they will for the rest of the year.

While cigarettes, weight and alcohol have all become standard entities we want to get rid of in the New Year there are many other things beyond our control that would be great to ditch when making a new start. Take television for example. How many times have you sworn at the TV this year and said something like ‘Nothing good on’, or ‘all bloody rubbish this is’? If the answer is still a two digit figure then either you haven’t been watching enough TV or you’ve yet to discover the joys of cursing.

So here’s a rather long list of things that television should consider giving up this year. Of course one man’s rubbish is another man’s treasure but to be honest, anyone who sees Jeremy Kyle as their treasure needs to start collecting something else. See if you can guess what’s first on the list:

10. Jeremy Kyle

Who gave this man a studio? If anyone else stood out in the street and shouted their opinion at every chav they came across they would most likely be missing a couple of kneecaps, a wallet and a recognizable face. How does he get away with it?

9. Noel Edmunds Wardrobe team

Lets give the guy credit, he’s made a lot more than most out of opening boxes. But desperation is clearly kicking in and the show is relying ever further on his outrageous shirt designs for entertainment (even a Hawaiian tourist shop wouldn’t trade these things). You know a shirt’s too much when the collar tag is forced to contain a flashing image warning.

8. Watching Kerry Katona shop in Iceland

Watching Kerry Katona in general is bad enough but the added annoyance of her carting round a trolley full of crap pizzas from Iceland is enough to make anyone risk Aldi. Can you buy crack at supermarkets?

7. Naming channels like you would a child

You don’t see parents in the park calling for ‘UK Gold’ to get off the swings so why should a TV channel be named Dave? What was wrong with BBCUKTVGOLD2? Seemed pretty catchy that.

6. Viewer generated content

This is currently the new craze…hmm wonder why? It most likely has everything to do with the fact it’s quality broadcasting and nothing to do with the fact it’s cheaper than a bottle of Lambrini and a donner kebab. Oh no wait, it’s all sh*t…Must be the cost thing.

5. Sitcoms that aren’t funny

If there was a laugh to be had for every time in the last year a programme was supposedly about to revive the sitcom then there may have been enough chuckles compiled to actually make a good show. Have people forgotten that jokes are supposed to be funny? In general, park benches are more humorous than some of this years attempts…and incase you haven’t noticed, park benches are not funny.

4. Halifax Adverts

Dancing flamboyantly during a Recession? Why?

3. TV Countdowns

Rather than rubbing in what used to be good how about making some new stuff? This also includes anniversary specials and highlight shows (no names mentioned Blackadder and the Whole Rotten Saga).

2. Reliving the 90s

Gladiators is back, Take That are releasing albums again, even Kevin Keegan had a go at sending us all back in time. It’s surely only a matter of time before the bowl cut returns and John Major decides to give this whole Prime Minister thing another whirl. In TV terms, it’s a one hundred percent certainty that as soon as someone can find a bald man who can play a harmonica Crystal Maze will be returning to our screens. Although with new health and safety regulations expect to see games involving strenuous rounds of scrabble rather than contestants climbing over revolving poles.

1. Paris Hilton

She was locked up and refusing to eat. Who opened the sodding door?

Odds of television taking note of this advice. Well lets just say it wouldn’t be surprising for Dave to air a Crystal Maze celebrity special including Kerry Katona, Jeremy Kyle and Paris Hilton all wearing Noel Edmund shirts for charity…Oh no…the guy from the Halifax ad is bald isn’t he? Someone find out if he can play a harmonica.

By Craig Woods

Calliope says:

I agree with Rogerdelodgerly. Certainly dump the depressing soaps, football and makeover shows. Add in the mindless violence and the disgusting language. Then top the lot with excessive political correctness. I think we’re left with repeats of David Attenborough documentaries and Pride & Prejudice!!!!

Rogerdelodgerly says:

What about all the cooking programmes, they should all go into a big cauldron and be boiled. Add all of the soaps, the football, makeover shows and you have space for some decent programmes. Trouble is they wouldn’t know how to fill it!