I’m A Celebrity (Reviewer) Get Me Out of Here: Day 19
Well – Joe won. Now what?
Now, presumably, I can recover my social life. I went to a Christmas dinner on friday night, and the host told me that Esther Rantzen was going to be the guest star at her christmas work do. It was all worth it then, eh Esther! I went to a ball recently, and got Colin Salmon as the guest celeb of the evening. You know! Colin Salmon! He was in ‘Resident Evil’! He got his head cut into cubes by a lazer with a mind of its own! No? I didn’t know who he was, either. He was very tall though, for the record. Bizarrely, on his table he had one of the actors from ‘Doctors’. Anway, now that Joe’s won, what are they all going to do? We all know that Esther hasn’t gone on to bigger and better things. Not unless things improve significantly after my friend’s christmas work do, anyway. Will they go on to release ‘Biff Baff Boff’, do you think? I reckon they will. Record producers all seem to be sadists, to me.
Maybe in the video Timmy and David could team up with ‘Same Difference’, and they
could all harmonize dressed in Santa Clause outfits while Al Pacino and Ray Liotta shoot the living daylights out of them using an NHS-prescribed arsenal. I’d buy it. Apparently Joe’s going out with Kara Toigton. I don’t know who that is, so I Googled her. I Googled her at work, obviously, because thats the time to Google people that you don’t know, and also to do all of your online shopping. Apparently she was his sister in Eastenders. Why does that make it more interesting that they are dating? The papers are treating it like its an incestuous relationship. Its not. Because, they were ACTING, see?
Apparently she kept denying their relationship. Poor Joe. I lived with a girl in fourth year at university, whoose boyfriend kept pretended not to know her when he was around his friends. She kept saying ‘he’s just so shy!’. Yep. He’s shy, all right. Its definitely not that he’s ashamed of you.
Anyway, theres a special ‘I’m a Celeb’ show Sunday night, which follows the post-jungle celebrities to see what they’re up to. I’m going to psychicly predict the following: After the jungle, Simon will commission Joe to paint a portrait of him, looking at his most beautiful. Simon becomes increasingly obsessed by this portrait of himself – which depicts him at the most youthful, most buff, and generally the most aesthetically pleasing time of his life. He eventually withdraws from society, becoming obsessed by the idea that the portrait signifies the best period of his life, captured for an enternity on canvas. Simon’s fear of growing old, and of waving goodbye to his beauty awaken a mystical force, effecting a strange connection between Simon and the canvas, which eventually consumes them both.
David releases ‘Biff Baff Boff’ to mixed reviews. No, wait. Not to mixed reviews. To universal disdain. He winds up playing Mickey Rooney’s body double, and pretending to be Ray Winstone in restaurants, so that he and Timmy can both be assured of getting a table. Nicola marries a newly-separated Peter Andre, they have a wedding complete with fairytale pumpkin carriage, she has a boob reduction, and then dyes her hair black.
Actually thats not true. She gets arrested for stalking Jordan, and then she and David give in to their blatant sexual chemistry and the two of them settle down together. George comes out of retirement to return to our television screens as a newsreader.
Robert Kilroy-Silk has an epiphany – he realises that his politics are embarassingly Third Reich, and he undergoes a complete political overhaul, defecting to the Liberal Democrats, bringing poor old Charlie Kennedy out of the gutter, dusting him down and leading him to glory in the 2030 elections, shortly after the apocalypse. Esther meets a wonderfully kind helicopoter pilot who sweeps her off her feet. They have themselves cryogenically frozen, and meet up again later to pair up with Kilroy in
his battle to defeat the T-1000’s who are rising AGAIN.
Carly goes to the gym one day, and discovers a secret doorway leading to an underground cavern, undisturbed for centuries, behind the digibox in her private jazzercise training suite. She finds an ancient personality hidden within, and adopts it as her own. Unfortunately, the personality
belonged to a hobbit called Gollum, and she goes on to destroy Joe Cole and the entire England football team whilst looking for a ring, or summat. Timmy accepts his true calling as an assassin, takes out Ant and Dec after ITV rigs a phone-in vote by viewers, and also masters his annoying laugh (it had caused him problems with stealth whilst accessing targets). Joe wins a Nobel Prize for ‘loveliness and surprising fancyability’ (same as Mother Theresa’s). Lets hope that it doesn’t get recommisssioned next year. Feel free to petition ITV on my behalf.