I’m A Celebrity (Reviewer) Get Me Out of Here: Day 18
Apparently a new gun has been designed, targeted specifically at the elderly. Not targeted to wipe them all out, you understand, but designed for them to use. About time! I know that my Grandfather for one has been twiddling his fingers for years now waiting for just such an artefact to be born. Now they’ll take him seriously at the Post Office when they mess up his pension cheque. Apparently the weapon will be available on prescription. How odd. Never mind, I’m sure that, a few years from now, we’ll all be readily embracing the concept of violence on prescription. I can’t help thinking that this new invention was something of a missed opportunity for the ‘I’m a Celeb’ septuagenarians – George is gung ho enough to embrace new technology, and I reckon Esther would have relished the opportunity to exert some crowd control using an NHS-prescribed semi-automatic.
Speaking of George – he’s in the final three, alongside Joe and Martina. David Van Who was evicted yesterday, probably because he’s a bit of an idiot. Before he was voted off, ITV made the cruel-but-brilliant decision to give Joe a handheld video camera, asking him to film the daily life of his remaining fellow contestants. David, most likely spotting another opportunity to humiliate himself in front of the nation, immediately insisted that Joe start work on the video to accompany ‘Biff Baff Boff’. Joe looked worried. I looked worried, too, but David probably couldn’t see it. The video was about as awful as it is possible to be without a guest-appearance by one of the Beckhams degrading my eyes even further. David seemed oblivious and looked like he was enjoying himself, while cameraman Joe looked as if his ears were about to vomit.
First, David put on a ‘Nicola’ outfit – consisting of a beige T-shirt over his head, and something stuffed under his shirt to replicate her boobs. It was the sort of joke that even Jethro would have considered beneath him. Then he put on a cape and jumped out from behind bushes alot, wearing a ‘look at me! I’m wacky!’ expression. I swear that Joe’s hand was shaking whilst he was filming – it looked like he was stuck in a ruthless hostage situation with Michael Barrymore. Anyway, Ant and Dec later revealed that Joe had ‘mistakenly’ forgotten to press the record button, meaning that most of the video hadn’t been recorded. Maybe it was a sign, David! Anyway, David was swiftly evicted, and spent most of his post eviction interviews dressed in his Mickey Rooney outfit, pretending that he had never been in it to win it anyway, and was just there for the experience really. Yeah, ok David: the experience of winning!
The four of them looked a bit lonely, sitting around the campfire. Joe and George had each other, but David and Martina painted a lonely picture. To cheer them all up (or to push them over the edge, depending on your perspective), they were provided with chocolates. The chocolates were filled with something horrid. Or with chocolate. It wasn’t really a task as such, more of a thorn in their side whilst they waited for Armageddon. They each took in turns to eat a chocolate, and then to either pull a face, or look relieved. It wasn’t madly rewarding. Nor was it clear exactly what fillings were waiting patiently inside the chocolates-of-doom, ready to wreak havoc inside the reluctant mouths of their victims. The only thing that was clear, was that they didn’t taste very nice. At all. We had to watch a lot of people chewing with their mouths open, which wasn’t something that I’d normally choose to do. It would have been more visually successful, had George bit into a chocolate, only to reveal the mummified face of Simon, or the congealed perm of Nicola’s hair. No matter. Next year perhaps.