First Class Fib

December 9, 2008 by  
Filed under Reviews

Could someone explain how adverts in this country still get away with just blatantly lying? Halifax are running ads where entire regions of staff appear to be dancing around the street singing joyfully about how good everything is. Has anyone told them that there’s a pretty serious recession going on and if they returned to their desks and got back to work they’d probably find a P45 resting on top of their ‘to do’ pile? Likewise has anyone mentioned to advertisers who insist on basing ads around happy go lucky call centre staff that in reality, most spend the day either trying desperately to pass the ‘Chapter 1 – greetings’ section in their English language workbook or by flicking through the department code list trying to find some other chump to deal with the problem?

However, there is only one winner when it comes to most deluded advert of all time. Thankfully no longer in existence (ironically, now providing a better service than when they were), Virgin Trains seemed to pride themselves on taking a white lie and making it whiter. Anyone that can remember the variety of TV outings Virgin Trains mustered up whilst delivering the cross country train service will recognize the tag line ‘Love every second’ and recollect images of happy passengers blissfully speeding through picturesque countryside. With this is in mind let’s look at some of the stages of a Virgin adventure that made it all so special:

-Ticket doesn’t arrive in post- Call helpline who say it was sent, but turns out they were delivering it by rail so it’ll be a couple of days… Ominous.

– Arrive at the station to discover your train has been held up just outside Birmingham (interesting to note at this point, in one of the adverts, the Virgin train effortlessly survives an attack by Red Indians but here, seemingly can’t get the better of a bored teenager trespassing on the lines in Crewe)

– Finally get on the train an hour and a half late to discover the electrics are down so your reserved seat now belongs to a guy who is chewing on a bone and has ‘death to all’ tattooed across his forehead. You decide against raising the issue.

– Fortunately you are able to sit on your bag in the train corridor as there is no space to put it anywhere else. Despite this being a ‘cross country’ service it is shrewdly assumed by some higher powers that no one will bring any luggage. The only nuisance with the corridor is constantly maneuvering awkwardly so that other passengers can get to the toilets… The toilet wall could definitely afford to be a bit thicker. You buy some overpriced ear plugs.

– As it’s a long trip you risk leaving your stuff and head for the buffet to discover that a Bacon sandwich, looking as though it’s fallen off several lorries before being sold second hand twice on Ebay during it’s journey to the shelf costs a mere low interest mortgage (which can be purchased through Virgin’s new onboard banking service). Some people decide to pay in jewelry and family members instead.

– Arrive four hours late to discover you have missed the local connecting train and a night in the station beckons. Before you can complain to Virgin staff they have hopped back on board and ironically left 5 minutes early to get back down the country.

Love Every Second? How are taglines like this still legal?

I say lets start a name and shame campaign! What are the adverts that have p*ssed you off? Now is your time to tell us…

By Craig Woods

Paul Allen says:

What was the one with that really fat guy who was trying to sell you a loan but had to take like a minute breath in between every sentence?

Stu Williams says:

Oasis: Catcus Man?

Some fetish-loving, petulant little brat decides to elope with a hideously disfigured porcupine and we’re supposed to sympathise?

From where I’m standing, she’s forsaken a mother who had to carry her in her womb for 18 months, ruining a once beautiful body in the process (MILF-Alert), and then buggered off with an aggressively threatening genetic freak to embark on a life as a pregnant carnie.

Has she not thought about the childbirth?!

Would she even survive it?

Ouch.

When you really think about it, the only logical conclusion is that she’s quite obviously on crack.

And the tagline: “For people who don’t like water?? Well quite simply they’d be dead then wouldn’t they? Or suffering pretty miserably from severe kidney failure, dry eyes, muscle cramps, nausea, vomiting and a dry mouth. Or mentally retarded after prolonged periods of dehydration would leave them with shrivelled brains.

So, Oasis. You want us to fund a drug-peddling, fetishistic, selfish welfare sponger in the hope that we’ll become a dribbling, incompetent wreck.

I think I’ll stick with water, ta.

Piers Gladhill says:

Name and shame? How about Carlsberg – “probably the best beer in the world”? Balls, says I. Tastes like warm horse piss.