Top Five Celebrities we would really liked to have seen in the Jungle

December 3, 2008 by  
Filed under Features

As the latest collection of fame crazed cretins count down their remaining days left in the bush and look forward to a time when they may no longer have to pull cockroaches out of their cracks and eat kangaroo testicles, it seems an excellent idea to look at just what might have been on I’m a Celebrity…Get Me Out of Here! OntheBox’s Matt Fancy check’s out some other celebrities who didn’t quite make the cut this year.

1. Armin Meiwes

One for all you fans of TV chefs.

Not an obvious choice this, but it could have lead to some sparks flying. For those not in the know, Armin Meiwes was that bonkers German cannibal bloke who knocked up a tasty meal of a willing victim. Bear with me on this. Crap metaphors about willing celebrities and lambs to the slaughter aside, imagine the tension as he polishes up the kitchen knives and volunteers to do all the cooking.

Alright, the ‘I Scream Van’ challenge wouldn’t have been much of a test for old Armie – after scoffing a real life man-person, a crocodile’s cock must seem like a peperami. Probably better for you too. Less easy to get the wrapper off though.

He’d have been useful to have around if anyone pulled a muscle or twisted an ankle too – first in line to offer a tenderising…sorry…tender massage.

Conveniently, his personal, special object from home would have been a large, iron ‘man sized’ cooking pot, borrowed from Bugs Bunny which neatly doubles as a ‘bath’ should anyone be interested in jumping in. With the carrots and potatoes…

2. Gok Wan

Producers missed out on a trick by failing to sign up the fashion advising pig flatterer. No matter how bad Esther looks after 9 days in the jungle, Gok would always have been there to assemble a leafy ensemble and tell her to get her kit off. Girlfriend.

You can be sure than whenever one of the WAGs is getting changed behind a shrub and needing bikini based advice, Gok will always be the first to slip his hand into her bush and help out- was that too far? Nahhhh…

May have had teething problems early on persuading him to wear khaki in the first place.

Never the less, loves camping.

3. Gary Glitter

A popular choice with the public, but Gary was not to take part in any of the Bush Tucker Trials this year.

Should he have been chosen, he would have been there simply as entertainment value: to be dropped into a pit of poisonous snakes and deadly scorpions. From a helicopter.

Britain would have forgotten the credit crunch and chuckled along as his twitching corpse was slowly skinned alive by massive Fosters drinking ants. This is definitely too far…

4. Bear Grylls

Bit of a cheat inviting an ex SAS man along you might think? Knows how to survive in the bush with only a pencil and a ripped shirt to his name? Wrong.

Scared-y cat mummy’s boy Grylls would have been wailing for his teddy before dark when he realised he’s not actually going to be staying in the 5 star hotel down the road like he does on his action man Channel 4 show.

5. Russell Brand

The tight trouser wearing ladies man would feel right at home in the jungle surrounded by WAGs and ex-Eastenders and his famous haircut would be easy to maintain as all it requires is for him to be dragged backwards through the nearest bush.

Special Bush Tucker Challenge: Andrew Sachs, dressed as a kangaroo, gets to kick Brand in the bollocks for five minutes straight while a tearful Ant and Dec piss themselves stupid. Answer phone issue resolved. Idiot Daily Mail readers appeased.

Now get Jonathon Ross back on my Saturday morning radio. Please.

The I’m a Celeb final is this Friday.

By Matt Fancy