I’m A Celebrity (Reviewer) Get Me Out of Here: Day 16

December 3, 2008 by  
Filed under Reviews

Now that Brian’s gone, what am I supposed to do? First they took Timmy. Then they took Esther. Who’s next? And why aren’t the remaining contestants concerned about the disappearances? No one has said anything. It’s as if nothing out of the ordinary has happened. If a small, photogenic child in your village suddenly disappeared, a nationwide manhunt would be launched. No single, bearded loner living in an isolated cabin within a 20-mile radius would be safe from the collective vitriol and accusation spawned from the crime scene. But a couple of celebrities go missing in a jungle, and nobody cares. I’m just saying: it’s double standards.

With Brian now gone as well, I feel as if ITV has hired a professional marksman to deftly take down, one-by-one, the very jungle characters that I enjoy tormenting the most.
On the plus side, Brian’s eviction meant that we were treated to some truly glorious post-jungle interviews. Brian claimed that he found that the whole jungle experience tedious. How funny! So did we! Bri continued, saying: “It gets pretty tedious, if you don’t get a trial or you don’t get a celebrity chest to do you’re just sitting around doing the same thing”. Don’t worry Brian, no need to clarify, it didn’t go unnoticed that you were tedious. 

While I’m on the subject of interviews, how smug are Ant and Dec? They always have this expression of uttermost superiority, as if the difference in salary between the two of them, and the flurry of evicted contestants that they interview is so vast as to make normal facial expressions inexcusable under the circumstances. I can’t be the only one thinking that it is but sheer luck keeping them on their side of the table. Sheer luck, and inbreeding by those viewers who consistently pay for their television license and regularly vote in the peoples choice awards.

I can safely say that when a woman utters the phrase Good luck to her of an adversary, it is not said with conviction. Esther, speaking about Nicola’s boobs, said: “Now, I’m not criticising Nicola (yes, you are) She knows what she wants in life and she’s going to get it (the slapper!) I say good luck to her. That’s fine.  Those two are the best of friends, then. Esther then spoiled her ode to Nicola by saying: “Human beings don’t naturally come in that shape.” True, but then women don’t normally come in the shape of Martina Navratilova.

In my opinion, Nicolas boobs deserve a numbered T-shirt of their very own. They’ve already garnered a separate birthday celebration. Everyone talks about them in the 3rd person, as if they were an independent entity, rather than a fraction of the whole. No doubt they will go on to have a far more successful career than poor Nicola could ever hope for. She will be left behind, whilst they enjoy the full throttle of the media limelight. She has resigned herself to enjoying her celebrity career vicariously through them, which is just as well, because, lets face it, personality alone would never have carried her to the dizzy heights of I’m a Celeb without their support.

By Nicolette Smith

When not neglecting her social life and educational development in favour of watching televisual detritus, Nicolette enjoys pretending to be interested in her colleagues children and reading books rather than talking to actual people. She is still young enough to be contemplating getting an offensive slogan tattooed on her person, but old enough to rationalise that this is probably a poorly thought-out plan for the new-and-improved Nicolette of the future.