I’m A Celebrity (Reviewer) Get Me Out of Here: Day 13
I’ve been thinking about lions. Do they have lions in the jungle? They did in ‘The Lion King’, but I don’t trust Disney to tell me the truth anymore, not since they totally broke the circle of trust with Fantasia. I’m over it though. OVER it. I do think that lions probably populate the jungle more densely than ostriches do, but what do I know. I do know than lions would have formed the base of a more, um, ‘though-provoking’ task than a couple of apathetic ostriches nibbling politely at Brian and George’s protectively-cushioned rears, whilst the two of them half-heartedly guided some metal rings around an obstacle course that the kids at a Harvester restaurant would’ve considered beneath them. I did wonder whether I shouldn’t apply for a patent for this brainwave (of substituting the ostriches in the pen for lions), but decided that, since ’tis the season of giving and all that, I’d just hand it straight over to ITV. They are in dire need of my inspiration, and also it means that I’m so going to heaven now.
After Kilroy, Behr was the next to be made redundant, swiftly followed by Zucker. Dani said of her jungle experience: “It’s been very hard emotionally. I’m surprised I coped with the living conditions. I’m used to comfortable sheets and a nice bathroom. But it’s amazing what you get used to living without”. Now listen right – I’ve been camping. I’ve even been camping in the Australian Bush. I’ve taken a tent down and been faced with a hormonal funnel-web spider. And you know what, I didn’t find it emotional, or hard. Probably because camping is a relaxing, middle-class pursuit, and not a traumatic hostage situation involving chainsaws and a visceral plethora of human carnage. This is the 21st Century, so most people in the developed world are used to a nice bathroom and some comfortable sheets (students being the exception to the rule). Dani went on to say that the worst part of her experience “was the boredom, sitting around doing nothing”. This, I can relate to. Three weeks of watching her cook pigs trotters and flash her blandness around like a chav with a new item of Argos jewellery has near driven me to madness.
Next, it was Carly’s turn. Carly took blandness to a whole new level. She was a tour de force of tedium and banality, someone who inspires utter indifference in all those who meet her. Of Nicola, she had this to say: “Meeting Nicola has changed me I think. She’s inspired me and changed me in some ways”. Inspired you to do what? Get bigger tits? Speaking to Ant and Dec, Carly said: “I just really struggled. It wasn’t really how I imagined it would be. I’m a family person so I missed my partner and my family in there”. Its a jungle, love. How did you imagine it would be? There’s only so much ad-libbing you can do in your mind with a jungle, sooner or later its going to come down to you, Arnold Schwarzneggar, a load of tropical foliage and a warrior alien with an invisibility cloak.
By Nicolette Smith
When not neglecting her social life and educational development in favour of watching televisual detritus, Nicolette enjoys pretending to be interested in her colleagues children and reading books rather than talking to actual people. She is still young enough to be contemplating getting an offensive slogan tattooed on her person, but old enough to rationalise that this is probably a poorly thought-out plan for the new-and-improved Nicolette of the future.