Who Really Wins When Celebrities Get Divorced?

November 26, 2008 by  
Filed under - Home, Features

In the no-holds-barred deathmatch that is the celebrity divorce, does anyone really win? Well, the short answer would be, yes, someone usually does. Here’s a quick look at the Top 5 Celebrity Divorces and who came out victorious.

5. Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey

This is a prime example of the curse of the reality TV show. No one really cared about either of these “celebrities? until they appeared in the show that focused on their newly married lives, imaginatively titled ‘Newlyweds’. We got to watch them in their honeymoon phase, and then watch them fall apart. Let’s face it, this was always going to be doomed – who could possibly have thought being filmed 24/7 would create a happy, healthy marriage?! We all knew Jessica was dumb, but I didn’t think she was THAT dumb. I suppose Jess came out on top, but only because she looks good in a pair of denim hot pants.

4. Paul McCartney and Heather Mills

One of the most expensive celebrity divorces of all time, Mills and McCartney’s split caused a massive stir and was splashed all over the papers. The vote was out on who was to become the victim in all this – Heather was set to win that one, but she did herself no favours with that disastrous GMTV interview. Macca may be old and wrinkly, but she came off as a total psycho, so he’s got to have it really. Plus, he was in one of the greatest bands of all time, so she hasn’t really got a leg to stand on (oh come on, it had to be done).

3. Britney Spears and Kevin Federline

This one’s a bit of a tie really. Yes, he’s a complete loser, but the pop princess went so wacko after they got divorced that she made K-Fed look like a model citizen. Still, Brit is on the mend, and once she gets her bod and her career back on track, she will surely come out the victor. You’ve really got to wonder about the kids though…

2. Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt

It was a sad day in Celebland when this golden couple announced their split. Probably even sadder for Jen though, who had to watch her husband go off with arguably the most beautiful woman on the planet. And then watch them reproduce like alarmingly gorgeous rabbits. Definitely a point for the guys’ team.

1. Madonna and Guy Ritchie

This is the motherload of all celebrity divorces, and don’t we just know it – you can’t breathe for the amount of gossip about this pair being shoved down your throats. The latest piece of news is that Madge has drawn up a list of demands that Guy must carry out when in custody of their two children, one of them being that the younger one must be read the English Roses books that Madonna wrote. If that isn’t the epitome of egomania, I don’t know what is. Still, it’s a pretty open and shut case as to who’s going to come out on top – she is the Queen of Pop, albeit a freakishly neurotic one, and he’s just a posh boy pretending to be a geezer.

So who’s next? My frontrunners are Blake and Amy (the words ‘ticking’ and ‘time-bomb’ come to mind), Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes (Katie, wake up, he’s GAY!) and Peaches Geldof and whatshisname. Send your guesses in on a postcard.

By Luciana Bellini