I’m A Celebrity (Reviewer) Get Me Out of Here: Day 9
There was another barney again last night. ‘I’m a Celeb’ is finally shaping up to become the beautiful, well-turned out, successful daughter that I’ve always wanted it to be. Albeit S-L-O-W-L-Y. Caped Crusader (innit tho!) Joe came to the rescue – quite bravely, I thought, because I wouldn’t want to start a fight with Simon. Not unless it was a battle of the minds, anyway. He stuck up for David, which seemed a tad pointless to me. If you’re going to volunteer your balls to grace the sacrificial alter of Simon’s ego, you might as well fight for a better cause than a dumpy former pop star with a chip on his shoulder.
Now that David’s been in the jungle a while, he is beginning to look less like a gay Ray Winstone, and more like a post-surgery Mickey Rooney. I can’t say that I’ve warmed to him very much, but then I’ve never really warmed to Mickey Rooney all that much either. You never see them in the same room together, David and Mickey, have you noticed that? Spooky. Simon was in ‘alpha male’ mode yesterday. His moisturiser’s gone, and so has has morality. He laid into David for David having laid into Nicola. I suppose it was intended to come across as noble, but it hit the mark more as ‘aggressive and bored’ than anything else. David looked a bit ashamed, and also like he was about to vomit. Simon was probably hoping that the adrenaline rush from fighting would bring a rosy flush to his cheeks, in the absence of his creme de la Mer. Either way, Joe was so brilliant – as ever- that he made me want to surreptitiously anaesthatise him, shut him in the back of a van, and take him to a remote location to become ‘mine forever’.
Nicola, Timmy and Robert had to do one of the tasks. They had to sit in giant vats of water that looked like someone had taken a quick dump in it and then left it to stew. After only a few moments, Nicola looked seriously cold. Then Timmy started singing, and it dawned on both Nicola and Killroy that the real task wasn’t the vat of cr*p they were standing in, it was being stood in a vat of cr*p next to Timmy. I think Killroy lasted about ten minutes. He was braver than I could ever have been. Timmy said: ‘I was surprised when Robert gave it up, because I thought that he’d last a bit longer’ . Then Timmy said that he didn’t want to get out of the tub yet, and that he’d stay there all night. Then he laughed that ‘I’m-having-a-serious-mental-breakdown-do-you-want-to-sleep-with-me?’ laugh. Well done, Robert.
Nicola had to do the ‘big’ task: I know they have a name for it, I still don’t care enough to find out what it is and commit it to memory. They put her in a minute cave, which she had to crawl into (making exiting a real furore), and which she couldn’t see anything in. Then they dumped a shedload of bugs and stuff in. I would have preferred it if they had shut her in there with a serial killer, but whatevs. She didn’t last very long – I think she had to grope around on the ground for plastic stars- and came out looking terrified. It was all rather horrid, and I felt like a weirdo taking opportunistic advantage even watching it. Those ‘I’m a Celeb’ producers must have put in some serious ‘grooming’ hours for the contestants to actually put up with this shiz. Chin up, Nicola, at least they didn’t stick you in there with Timmy, eh?
By Nicolette Smith
When not neglecting her social life and educational development in favour of watching televisual detritus, Nicolette enjoys pretending to be interested in her colleagues children and reading books rather than talking to actual people. She is still young enough to be contemplating getting an offensive slogan tattooed on her person, but old enough to rationalise that this is probably a poorly thought-out plan for the new-and-improved Nicolette of the future.