I’m A Celebrity (Reviewer) Get Me Out of Here: Day 5

November 24, 2008 by  
Filed under Reviews

My TV aerial went on strike last night, which meant that Ant and Dec were bravely presenting while a blizzard went on around them. They didn’t seem all that bothered though. The show must go on.

Timmy Mallet was introduced to the audience. As a general rule, I don’t trust men who giggle – they creep me out. Timmy is a giggler, and by ‘giggler’ I mean ‘probably unstable’. He was wearing the same trademark Hawaiian shirt as he used to in his heyday. It made me want to take him by the hand, sit him down, and explain why being as annoying as possible on television isn’t going to make you a success any more. Then I thought about Russell Brand, and realised that I don’t know what I’m talking about.

The guerrillas eventually released Timmy from his cage: Rookie mistake. Guys, next time, if you don’t manage to secure the ransom, just walk away from the crime scene, it’s much more cost-effective that way.

Brian certainly didn’t get any more interesting yesterday, although he did reveal that he loves Simon. HE LOVES HIM! Simon said: “Bri’s really glad to be around me, which is surprising, because I’m just Simple Simon, y’know??. Who knew Simon would paint such an accurate self-portrait. Then he spoilt it by saying later: “My gift to Bri is singing?. Um, that’s a sh*t gift. Because you can’t sing.
Unfortunately, coming out as a fan of Blue wasn’t sufficiently weird enough to make Bri more interesting, only more pathological and possibly also a risk to himself and others.

Nicola wanted a birthday party for her boobs. Bri, expressionless as ever, looked as if he was torturing her in his head. I was. Then, Ant and Dec put Killroy in a series of boxes and filled them with rats, snakes, green ants, spiders, and other small stuff that I guess you wouldn’t want on your face. Killroy didn’t look all that fussed, although a couple of times he muttered vaguely about a rat biting his foot – it was probably an Asylum Seeker, eh Killroy? Ant and Dec looked bored throughout the proceedings, they probably couldn’t see all that much through the snow. I couldn’t, although I could just about make out the wall of china that is Simon’ ego.

After winning the task, Killroy went back to camp, and did that thing where you pretend that you haven’t won, and then (surprise!) reveal that you have. It’s the sort of joke that my Dad would make, and then celebrate his own wit with a victorious Riverdance impression.

Back in the shed of birthday boobs, Nicola was apologising to Bri for interrupting his shed time. No need to apologise, Nic, the cameraman probably killed himself days ago. Joe was delighted for the birthday girl(s), saying: “Its not every day that you get to celebrate someone’s breasts’ birthday, so I’m glad I was here for that?. So. Was. I.
Then, Joe made a glorious effort to ‘Cocknify’ George, who sounds like he’s auditioning to be a Newsreader. Or a Newsreader aping a lesser Newsreader.

Nicola stoutly refused to give up her mascara: “I wouldn’t give up my mascara for anybody?. What about you parents? Or your boobs? She’s a psychological minefield, I tell you.

It was then announced that there were two new arrivals, and that they needed saving from lobster pots. After finding out that one of the kidnap victims was Timmy Mallet, none of them was suddenly interested in a rescue launch. Brian unsurprisingly managed to make an exciting event effortlessly dull. Esther was horrified, saying: “Look what this experience is turning us into – we’re not even prepared to give up a fraction of food to save helpless people?. Put a sock in it Esther! This is what we’ve all been waiting for! Just you wait. Next week – carnage!

A puffed-up Bri said: “I haven’t personally dealt with hostage situations, but I KNOW about hostage situations?. So do I, mate. I feel like I’m stuck in one whenever you start talking.

By Nicolette Smith

When not neglecting her social life and educational development in favour of watching televisual detritus, Nicolette enjoys pretending to be interested in her colleagues children and reading books rather than talking to actual people. She is still young enough to be contemplating getting an offensive slogan tattooed on her person, but old enough to rationalise that this is probably a poorly thought-out plan for the new-and-improved Nicolette of the future.