I’m A Celebrity (Reviewer) Get Me Out of Here: Day 8
The thing with ‘I’m a Celeb’ is that it offers reincarnation for those on the fame scrapheap. Of course, there are risks associated with offering has-beens a second chance. Bringing an aging musician back into the public eye is not without consequence – remember Insania?
Dave is clearly here to marry Jordan and then launch a perfume. I personally believe that he should stick with the Ray Winstone tribute act. Instead, he and Timmy came up with a ‘song’ about their time in the jungle, which went as follows: ‘Biff baff boff we’re Cel-eb-rit-ies, biff baff boff we’re on our kneeeeeees’. I think The Beatles are safe. Simon’s face was nothing short of amazing during this rendition. I honestly thought he was about to get violent. He said later in the camera shed: ‘Um. They’re very, um, creative, those two, and, um, I’m sure that they’ll top the charts with it’. Then he smiled knowingly. Calm down, smug-face, we remember Blue!
Simon injured himself yesterday. Esther, apparently still on the horn, kept fingering his hand: ‘Does it hurt?’ she said. ‘Do you want some more water? Can I do anything? You’re just waking up slowly’. From his sleeping-bag, Simon looked bored, and also a bit like he wanted to bludgeon her to death. Simon seems to be a bit of a target for stalkers – first Brian declared his love, then Esther insisted on nursing him, now Timmy’s getting too close for comfort. He repeatedly said to Simon: ‘Your smile lights up the world!’. One word, Simon: ‘chastity belt’. It’s for your own protection!
Nicola spent the entire episode looking perturbed in a pink bikini. I feel a certain pathos with her now that Timmy has arrived – we are both of us fighting his peculiar brand of evil. Brian, sitting alone in the shed as usual (he finds more in common with inanimate objects), said that he found Timmy’s laugh irritating. Don’t worry Bri, so does Jesus. You should give him an appraisal, Brian! (Timmy, not Jesus). Speaking to David before a task, Timmy said: ‘I’ve got my red glasses on. I look like Timmy. I feel like Timmy’. I wonder if he says that while he’s having sex? Timmy’s the sort of person that makes me sympathise with bullies.
According to Esther, the biggest flirt in the camp is Joe. He said to Esther: ‘What if we had no clothes on and a big vat of baby oil?’. Then he gave Esther a massage, whilst she made noises like a self-harming squirrel. Then he straddled her and washed her hair. It was probably quite erotic to those with a psychosexual disorder. Joe said of the flirtation: ‘I think when you touch people, they get to know you better and relax around you’. Oh dear, I smell an abuse case.
Joe later went into the cave and cried, probably because the Rohypnol had worn off. It was dark in the cave. Then Timmy followed him in. My heart was racing. I thought – run Joe! Run like the wind! He’s a sexual predator! Joe, in between sobs, started talking to Timmy about what a lovely, mature woman Esther was (denial!), and how Dani shouldn’t have spoken to her like that. Then Joe said that he bet Esther could cook a mean roast. There followed a few moments of silence while he wiped away a few stray tears. Then Timmy said menacingly: ‘I like being in here with you’.
By Nicolette Smith
When not neglecting her social life and educational development in favour of watching televisual detritus, Nicolette enjoys pretending to be interested in her colleagues children and reading books rather than talking to actual people. She is still young enough to be contemplating getting an offensive slogan tattooed on her person, but old enough to rationalise that this is probably a poorly thought-out plan for the new-and-improved Nicolette of the future.