I’m A Celebrity (Reviewer) Get Me Out of Here: Day 7
Is it just me, or are Ant and Dc dressed inappropriately for a jungle setting? Don’t get me wrong, I’m not some kind of fashion Nazi, but I reckon their stylist must be on a ‘need to know’ basis. Why else would they both look like Ninjas on holiday? When I look at them, I’m confused. Is it hot? Is it cold? Where are their samurai swords? Everyone else is in red and yellow T-shirts, unless you count Killroy, who keeps scaring the children with his yellow vest. That vest is the sole reason ‘I’m a Celeb’ is broadcast post-watershed. Its true!
I read today that ITV might have to cancel the show, but not, surprisingly, because the audience has had itself collectively innoculated against tosh. Apparently, the potential cancellation is due to the fct that it keeps raining. How rude. There were mixed emotions from me at this news, because, whilst a cancellation would mean that I could committ myself whole-heartedly to the local pub quiz, it also means that I won’t have the money to eat. Or wash. Sorry Mum! Since when has rain been the MRSA of reality TV, anyway? Pull your socks up, ITV! Can’t you just design a Paddington-Bear-style Mackintosh for the camera or summat?
The Geordie ninjas told us that a severe weather warning had been sent out, alerting of the possibility for hail stones the size of golf balls. Who cares? They’re only celebrities, its not like they’re real people. Celebrities only achieve real success post-humorously anyway – they should be grateful! So basically, theres a very real danger (ha!) that one of the twelve might get splatted by a force of nature. I say: don’t mess with natural selection. If Brian gets taken out, It’ll renew my belief in God.
I bet my womb that when the sh*t hits the fan, Killroy will use Esther as a human umbrella to save himself. Joe and George will both be alright – they can shelter under Nicola’s boobs. David’s probably gt a phobia of rain, and will be dispatched swiftly like a cowardly Bond villain. Simon can use his ego -impervious to force- for protection. Dani’s expendable, because she has fallen into the trap of coming across as applaudably normal, rather than supernaturally obnoxious. Bri doesn’t make it, I’m afraid. He’s in the camera shed, having appointed himself ‘Safety Officer’, and will be happily strategising risk assessments when a cameraman sneaks up behind him covered in mud and beetles, and quietly takes him out.
Whilst al of this is carnage is going on, Timmy will panic and kill someone by accident with a jumbo mallet fashioned out of Joe’s illiteracy and a couple of Esther’s thongs. Unable to cope with the guilt, he then eats himself to death with Soya beans. Carly, obsessively sorting through her collection of midriff-revealing tops, keeps muttering ‘Its okay, you’re thinner than Posh Spice’ and ‘Has anyone seen my hair-straigteners?’ under her breth, until a passing hailstone the shape of a Lamborghini lops her ear off. Its what she would have wanted. Martina then emerges to save them all. She’s dressed in army fatigues and war paint. There’s a suspicious bulge in her combat trousers, and around her neck is a necklace made out of Ant and Dec’s fingers and noses. It might happen!
By Nicolette Smith
When not neglecting her social life and educational development in favour of watching televisual detritus, Nicolette enjoys pretending to be interested in her colleagues children and reading books rather than talking to actual people. She is still young enough to be contemplating getting an offensive slogan tattooed on her person, but old enough to rationalise that this is probably a poorly thought-out plan for the new-and-improved Nicolette of the future.