I’m a Celebrity (Reviewer) Get Me Out Of Here: Day 4

November 24, 2008 by  
Filed under Reviews

I had to dash home right in the middle of a pub quiz yesterday evening, so that I could be back in time for the ‘I’m a Celebrity’ double bill. Evenings don’t come much more rock n’ roll than that. ITV callously jettisoned Wednesday night’s edition (how rude!) in favour of what appeared to be a four-and-a-half hour long football extravaganza. Seriously, who watches ITV? I’ll bet my eyes that Brian does. Speaking of Brian, he was in the camera shed YET AGAIN yesterday, boring the bollocks off anyone unfortunate enough to be watching: “Everybody works together? he said “Everybody is prepared to do something?. Yawn! They’re plotting to kill you, stupid! Haven’t you seen ‘Apocalypse Now’??

It occurred to me that whilst the audience’s collective back was turned, something interesting might have happened in the Jungle. I was wrong. Instead, ITV brought in two new contestants: former 80’s TV host Timmy Mallett, and former 80’s pop star-turned-idiot David Van Day. I know, I know; David Van Who? Apparently he once got into a fight with Sonia. Can we watch that instead, please? David looks alot like Smashy from ‘Smashy and Nicey’. Timmy looks alot like he’s about to kill himself. I keep wondering, why did ITV feel pressurised to introduce more characters, when we’ve already got Brian?

Anyway, so Smashy and Nicey were dumped in the jungle and then kidnapped – just like guerrilla warfare! Never let it be said that ‘I’m a Celeb’ isn’t tasteful. Timmy spotted a cake on the floor, and bent over to pick it up. That’s right, a cake. On the floor. In a jungle. A jungle in which he was being filmed. It’s a trap, Jimmy!! Oh, never mind. So Jimmy and Thingie were swooped up in these giant nets (like lobster pots constructed by fishermen on a budget) and then the original contestants were asked to part with their food supplies and share rations with the Newbies. I’m not holding my breath – ‘alpha-male’ Simon’s run out of moisturiser. I think he’s probably close to the edge.

Esther is on the horn. She spent most of yesterday protesting that the potential for an erotic skirmish taking place between her and a male contestant has ultimately been negated by the fact that George and Dull Brian are both gay. Joe’s out of the question because he’s too young for her, and also mentally disabled. Simon’s out too because he’s also gay, despite his insistence on lugging around his beard. There’s always Killroy, I suppose, but he will keep banging on about the fact that he’s married. Wake up, Robert! You’ll never get into Esther’s pants (sorry: ‘heart’) if you keep chatting about the old lady. He won’t stay married for long anyway, not if he keeps wearing that awful yellow vest. I’m just saying!

Behind the scenes: Simon’s Beard has been worrying (to a journalist) that he will stray. She decided the best way to alleviate her concerns was to embark on a voyage of vainglorious self-promotion. Speaking to the media, Beard said “He’s in the show to have a good experience, not to find romance, because he’s already got that. And if he did, he’d have me to speak to when he comes out of the jungle?. First off – Simon isn’t on I’m a Celeb to ‘have a good time’. No one is. His agent told him to say that so he looks less needy-and-on-the-breadline, and more super-cool-risk-taking-thrill-seeker. Secondly, the only thing Simon has ‘found romance’ with is his moisturiser. Thirdly – note to Beard – you need to come up with a better punishment for cheating boyfriends than making them talk to you. Seriously – How dull are you, to make an enforced conversation such a vigorous punishment? You should meet Bri…

Nicolette Smith

When not neglecting her social life and educational development in favour of watching televisual detritus, Nicolette enjoys pretending to be interested in her colleagues children and reading books rather than talking to actual people. She is still young enough to be contemplating getting an offensive slogan tattooed on her person, but old enough to rationalise that this is probably a poorly thought-out plan for the new-and-improved Nicolette of the future.