I’m A Celebrity (Reviewer) Get Me Out of Here: Day 6
Its Time. Time to devote an entire blog to the personality void and embarrassment to the human race that is Mr Timmy Mallett. I’d like to insert a get-out clause at this point: I feel deeply, deeply sorry for this smoking shell of a former success. I pity his lack of talent. I pity the fact that he lacks the intelligence to recognise his own lack of talent. Luckily for me, the moment Timmy volunteered to advertise his inadequacy to the Nation by taking part in ‘I’m a Celeb’, he became fair game. Well, sort of. To spread the love a little, I’ll also throw in a little coverage of his partner-in-crime: Gay Ray Winstone impersonator, David Van I-don’t-know-who-you-are. Seriously, who is he? No one knows.
‘I love the smell of celebrities in the morning’, Timmy said. Both he and David Van Whatever cackled inexplicably for a few moments. Then Timmy said ‘I love it! Its only the morning and I’m funny already’. He lies! Lies, I tell you! Esther said: ‘I see that David is sitting in Rob’s chair’. Uh oh! Get me out now, before he calls the Home Office. David said: ‘I still feel a bit like its them and then me’. Its is ‘a bit them and you’. You’re the only male present sporting highlights. That’s how bullying works, silly!
Whilst all this misery is going on, Ant, doing his very best ‘Trendy Dad’ impression, tells us all about the man-war going on at base camp. Like we didn’t see it coming the minute Mallett started HILARIOUSLY singing to himself in his lobster pot. I had a feeling David Van Who? would be trouble, the moment I spotted his blonde highlights. Trust me: highlights do not a team player make. I say ‘Man-War’, because none of the women (Martina included, because I’m feeling generous) seems to give a cat’s arse about camp politics. Esther does, but I’m going to ignore her, because she’s only attention-seeking.
By the by – I don’t really understand Ant and Dec’s brand of ‘so bad its good’ comedy. To me, a line is funny, or it isn’t. There is no Bermuda Triangle of anonymous cheese in between. Not in my name! Anyway, Robert was voted for a task thingie, which is when things began to go tits up for Mallet and Co. Speaking about his challenge (of sticking his face in a bowl full of rats), Robert said hilariously: ‘I thought about my kids, and my family, and I thought that they’d love to see me do this’. Oh dear. Do you think so? Word of advice, Robert – disinherit them! Despite my best efforts, I really warmed to Killroy last night. I think that’s because you could essentially place Hitler in a room with Timmy Mallett, and place him in a favourable light. Hitler, not Timmy. There’s no saving the Mallett.
It kicked off when Timmy insisted on laughing like a maniac throughout Killroy’s ‘ordeal’. Robert said: ‘Timmy was behaving like an irritating little shit’. Are you really that surprised, Bob? Have you not seen Funhouse? (sorry: ‘Wacaday’). Simon said: ‘I thought Timmy was a legend, but I think he’s got a game plan’. A game plan to do what, exactly? PIss everyone off and encourage them to vote him off? Genius! George, ever the voice of reason, said: ‘It was a very awkward thing to hear Timmy cackling away like a lunatic’. I agree. It was like being stuck on a date with a Fugly who’s trying too hard, and splashing the cash, in an effort to win you over.
Timmy said later of his run-in with Bob: ‘THere are one or two very serious peope in here. And you think: No. No! THe world demands laughter!’. Yes, but there’s nothing funny about a lunatic having a breakdown, TImmy. Robert looked exhausted. He said: ‘I’m trying to fit in here, and not be my normal self. I’m trying to not be agressive’. Oh bless! He’s trying. He’s trying. He’s trying not to kill Timmy. Let it all out, Robert! Just roll with it – we won’t judge you! Cut to Timmy explaining: ‘I seem to rub Robert up the wrong way, I seem to irritate him’. Him. Me. The audience. The world. Timmy says ‘tough titty’ alot. That makes me want to shoot him in the face. I doubt it counts as murder if someone is that irritating.
By Nicolette Smith
When not neglecting her social life and educational development in favour of watching televisual detritus, Nicolette enjoys pretending to be interested in her colleagues children and reading books rather than talking to actual people. She is still young enough to be contemplating getting an offensive slogan tattooed on her person, but old enough to rationalise that this is probably a poorly thought-out plan for the new-and-improved Nicolette of the future.