I’m a Celebrity (Reviewer) Get Me Out of Here: Day 3
As an ‘I’m a Celebrity’ novice, I hadn’t realised that you could actually vote for contestants to participate in tasks. Best. Concept. Ever. It’s a bit like corporal punishment, only legal. And instead of punishing (sorry – ‘rehabilitating’) contestants, you basically cherry-pick the ones that you don’t like very much, and vote for them to suffer the most. How very ‘dark ages’ chic. I still reckon the viewing figures would rocket if the producers upped their game a bit: instead of throwing balloons into a hoop so that you can win a key and shiz, why don’t we vote for contestants to be compulsorily sterilised instead. They need to incentivise viewers to call in, y’know?
It was announced last night that the two respective camps were to be merged. I can’t wait for the bitch-fighting between Robert and Brian to kick off. On hearing the news, Brian went into the camera shed thing, and yet again chose to state the blindingly obvious – ‘Robert appears to be confrontational’- in a tone of voice more deserving of an acutely profound commentary. Am I the only one who finds Brian a wee bit dull? I just don’t really see the point of him. He always seems to be mediating whenever he talks to people. I feel like I’m having a role-playing discussion about bullying at work with him whenever he opens his mouth. Dani also insisted on management-speaking her disdain, saying she reckoned that Robert was ‘probably the strongest character’. By ‘strongest character’, does she mean ‘biggest d*ckhead’? I assume that she does.
I observed yesterday that Joe and Esther appear to be sharing the same pair of teeth. I guess even ITV has been hit by the credit crunch . The contestant’s characters are beginning to emerge now. Glamour model Nicola isn’t exactly going against the grain, is she? Robert said of Nicola: ‘She’s the strongest. She’s a killer’. Has he met her? Fair play, she can certainly suppress her gag reflex with a mouthful of testicle, but that does not a killer make. She said ‘I’m just thinking about a blowdry’. She’s a killer all right. Nicola also devoted time to ‘the makeup situation’, saying ‘this makeup thing is hard; I can’t bear it – at home I’m like a nightmare’. There’s just so many layers to her!
I’ve officially got a favourite – its Joe. He’s basically the village idiot of the group, and keeps getting voted to participate in challenges. Talking about his ‘Jungle Experience’ so far, Joe said: ‘Where do these chances come from? I don’t know. Maybe from our elders’. Yes Joe, from your elders. Do they work for ITV? He asked Dani to rub some insect cream into his bottom. She volunteered George to take part instead. George said ‘We’re taking care of your beautiful fanny – the American way’.What? Fanny? Fanny?! Does ‘fanny’ signify ‘arse’ in Yank? What do the American’s do to take care of their arses that we British neglect? I feel like I’m missing out. What if their bottoms are as shiny as their teeth?
Tears again today – this time from widow Esther, who began feeling the absence of her late husband as she overheard Carly and Nicola discuss their respective footballing fiancées. Nicola tried to placate her by offering her a dirty loo roll. Thank god she never became a bereavement counsellor. It was actually a genuinely poignant moment, but to be quite honest, scenes like these only serve to remind me why I don’t usually watch reality television - because it makes me feel a bit like a Peeping Tom with a vulnerability fetish.
By Nicolette Smith
When not neglecting her social life and educational development in favour of watching televisual detritus, Nicolette enjoys pretending to be interested in her colleagues children and reading books rather than talking to actual people. She is still young enough to be contemplating getting an offensive slogan tattooed on her person, but old enough to rationalise that this is probably a poorly thought-out plan for the new-and-improved Nicolette of the future.