I’m A Celebrity (Reviewer) Get Me Out of Here: Day 1
I don’t know about you, but my life has felt awfully empty, pointless, even, since the last series of ‘I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here’ came to an end. On no wait. No it hasn’t. I hate that show.
In my mind, reality TV is a bit like masochistically volunteering to hang out with a load of people that you really hate. I wouldn’t normally choose to go to the pub with Kerry ‘it’s the drugs which make me sound drunk’ Katona, but someone out there must secretly want to, because viewing figures for the previous series numbered in the millions. Each of us is, in our own little way, responsible.
My point here is that admitting to a love of ‘Wife Swap’ is the social equivalent to glassing a carol singer at the office Christmas party. Sure we all think about doing it, but don’t we have a responsbility not to?
I hate I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here. Like, really hate it. I don’t want to watch it. I don’t even want anyone that I know to watch it, and yet, thanks to the sadistic humour of my editor, I bl**dy have to. I think in fact that’s why my boss thought it would be HILARIOUS to make it my job to review it
So here I am. An I’m A Celebrity Reviewer. Oh god, get me out of here. Ironically, I now feel a certain affinity with the contestants, because, like them I, too, am faced with a palpitation-inducing challenge – I have to survive three weeks of being forced to review it. And that means watching it. Every episode.
The line-up this year is as follows; Robery Killroy-Silk, who we last saw being sacked for making the unforgiveable mistake of coming across as a bit of a bigot. Joe Swash, best known for his role as ‘Mickey Miller’ in Eastenders, who always seems to me to be wearing the same grey waistcoat whenever he gives an interview. Carly Zucker; WAG extraordinaire. Esther Rantzen – television presenter and moral guardian of the nation. Also – Simon Webbe, formerly of the boyband ‘Blue’ before they got sick of each other’s company and split up in order to devote more time to dating glamour models and coming out, Glamour model and friend of the sun bed Nichola McLean, Tennis Player Martina Navratilova, former Mayoral Candidate Brian Paddick, and, finally, ‘George Takei’aka Mr Sulu. Seriously, he is actually quite famous. What is he doing there?
Carly Zucker, when asked what she did, described her role as follows’; ‘I’m a personal trainer, and also I’m the fiancee of the footballer Joe Cole’, to which Killroy responded ‘We don’t wanna know that’. Quite. Rantzen said of her involvement; ‘I don’t know what I’m gonna get out of this – probably abject humiliation’. Lets hope so. – why else would anyone care enough to watch? Simon Webbe thought he would win us over by admitting of his imminent time in the jungle – ‘I’m definitely gonna miss my moisturiser – I’ve been moisturising since birth’. Lets hope that he wasn’t setting out to change our perceptions of boy band members everywhere. Mark my words; his score will be high on the pussy-o-metre by the end of the week’.
My favourite part of the meet-and-greet was when Tennis Girl said to Mickey-One-Waistcoat ‘I’m from the Czech Republic’, to which he replied – ‘Is that near Prague?’. Next up, it was the turn of Mclean to make a good impression; ‘I’m not dumb’, she said, followed later in the show by ‘I hate frogs – what’s the point of them?’. She was right, of course. Dani Behr said ‘I’m worried about the people I’m gonna have to live with for three weeks’ – you and me both, dear. Takei said confidently ‘If there’s a lack of leadership, I can step in there’. I smell trouble, but in an appealing ‘Lord of the Flies’ sort of way.
My initial ‘favourite’ at the moment is Takei, who manages to both top the fame-o-metre, and score lowest on the pussy charts. During a physically demanding trek to the campsite, he scored low score on the pussy-o-meter, and his efforts were rewarded when his team made it to the more luxurious of the two. He fell over twice during the race to the finish, and soldiered on admirably, saying of one fall: ‘There was a small tree that got caught in my crotch, and it stopped me’. Well, it would, wouldn’t it? Mickey-one-waistcoat took part in the ‘intro’ challenge, in which he and Crème-de-la-Mer-Simon were made to put their hands in a scorpion and eel filled orifice.
Carly suggested that if Waistcoat failed to accomplish the task, he should go without food as punishment. Killroy ratted her out to the rest of the group. Zucker must have offended Killroy’s sensibilites somehow, because he spent most of this initial episode telling her that she was a control freak and ‘was going to be trouble’. If I were the producer, Zucker and Silk would have followed up this verbal sparring match with a knife fight, but, despite being post-watershed, this perhaps wasn’t the direction that ITV saw the programme heading in, because instead they followed it up by filming both parties unzipping their sleeping bags, and then getting into them. Maybe next time though? Fingers crossed. In the meantime i’m going to go eat spiders or something. Cry a little into my video diary. Moan about my situation like my fellow celebrity brethren. Oh and boss? I want a pay rise.
Til tomorrow people, when I will return with further news from the jungle.
By Nicolette Smith