Preview: I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out of Here (Make Me Famous Again and Give Me More Money)

November 14, 2008 by  
Filed under Features

The 1999 comedy movie Mystery Men starring Ben Stiller saw a group of lesser superheroes with fairly unimpressive/ridiculous powers called in to action to save their city from destruction. I happened to like the film, both it’s premise and content inspired me to think what a British version might look like, with a group of social rejects boasting powers about as useful as a penis-flavoured lollipop. Luckily, thanks to I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here, I no longer have to.

Never before has an amalgam of such refuse been assembled on the screen with Esther Rantzen, Robert Kilroy-Silk and, of all people, George Takei (why, George? Why?). And, if you thought that was bad, you should read their list of impressive ‘special skills’, which include, amongst others, ‘good talker and listener’, ‘tidying up camp’ and ‘cooking’.

So, to preview the brand new series, OnTheBox has created the Pussy-out-o-meter, the finest minds and software have come together to score our contestants using the highly reliable Fame and Pussy-o-meters. Each celebrity is given a score from 0-10 the higher the score the more famous they are; however, the higher they score on the Pussy-o-meter, the more likely it is they will pussy out of the jungle challenge, and vica-versa.


The former Lib-Dem London mayoral candidate and Ex-Deputy Assistant Commissioner is no stranger to controversy. He was at the centre of the Jean Charles de Menezes shooting back in 2005 and also had a story published in the Daily Mail whereby his ex-partner claimed he smoked cannabis and was an anarchist. It proved to be false, which was a shame really, it might have bought him my vote, and possibly a few others.

His special skill is cooking although, since you’ll mostly be eating rice and beans, I hardly think knowing how to cook constitutes anything special.

According to the ITV website, Paddick admits that there’ll probably be tears in the camp: “when people get upset I tend to join in,? he says, “i don’t know what it is about me…but I’ve got this thing about caring for other people.?

I don’t think Menezes family would agree.

Fame-o-meter rating: 9
Pussy-o-meter rating: 7


Chelsea footballer Joe Cole’s fiancé, model and personal trainer reveals that her greatest phobias are creep crawlies. At times like this I despair, I really do. People can soliloquise ’til they’ve gone blue in the face about wanting to confront fears or be seen as independent of a famous spouse or boyfriend or whatever, but I know for a fact that when she sees those slithering, creeping, dangling bunch squirming around in their plastic cases she’s going to cry and ask to leave. It’s all about publicity, which is fine. If they would just admit it from the outset.

Not to worry though, Carly, I’m sure your special skills of ‘good talker and listener’ will certainly come in handy when your neck high in insect hordes.

Fame-o-meter rating: 1
Pussy-o-meter rating: 8


Finally. Someone with the decency and dignity to speak the truth. Dani, having been out of TV and wanting a comeback, admitted that it’s [I’m a Celebrity…] “the fastest, but not the most dignified way to make a comeback.? Newsflash: so is rohypnol. Unfortunately, knowing that something is wrong and still doing it constitutes you a complete retard, possibly more so than someone going in having no idea what their facing.

Shame on you. You’re a mother. You should know better.

That said, the fact that she’s a mother adds a few layers of endurance to her.

Fame-o-meter rating: 4
Pussy-o-meter rating: 5


It seems that when she’s not reminding old people their death is imminent and that they should ‘leave something behind for their loved ones’, or selling bat stew on street corners (no, that wasn’t a sexual pun), Esther Rantzen wants a crack at the jungle.

“Heights, snakes, spiders, cold water: I loathe them all,? she says. Though, with her special skill of ‘getting on with people’ she could make lucrative use of the little time she’ll be in there by trying to convince George Takei and Kilroy to get some life insurance.

Fame-o-meter rating: 7
Pussy-o-meter rating: 8


The first thing that springs to mind is – why? You’ve served on the Enterprise, finest ship in Starfleet, for countless episodes and six movies, no less; you’ve been a sword-wielding badass in Heroes, so why, George? Why would you do it?

Are you tired of exploring Uranus? Is that it? Don’t you want to cross swords anymore?

Despite being the oldest (71) I think there’s still a bit of the old shogun in him yet. I’ve marked him down as my dark horse for the competition. Now, George, just like your civil partner told your ancestors told you: don’t go down without a fight,

Fame-o-meter rating: 10
Pussy-o-meter rating: 1


The actor (formerly of EastEnders) claims he has special skills that include ‘lifting loads’ and ‘practical jokes’. He claims, rather strangely, that “I think I’m quite aggravating. When I’m bored I aggravate people.?

Just one question then, Joe, were you bored the entire three years on EastEnders?

A jungle-kitten that will run at the first sign of anything with more legs than him.

Fame-o-meter rating: 5
Pussy-o-meter rating: 9


Serving her way into the undergrowth with more testosterone running through her than the film 300 is tennis legend and former Wimbledon champion Martina Navratilova. And how the mighty have fallen. From an emblem of sporting excellence, gracing the courts with her spectacular shots and movements to being ridiculed for our general amusement.

What she needs to do is use that amazing ‘hand-to-eye coordination’ to call up her publicist and fire him.

That said, she looks as though she’ll be a tough nut to crack.

Fame-o-meter rating: 10
Pussy-o-meter rating: 3


It looks as though the next batch of Jordan/Jodie Marsh clones is ready. Nicola Mclean represents the very peak of annoyance, the very extreme of this celebrity-obsessed culture.

First, I’d like to get something off my chest: being a ‘WAG’ (Wife or Girlfriend of a sports person) does not, I repeat, NOT, constitute an occupation. Oh, I know, I know, it must be so hard spending other people’s millions while you wither away in the shadow of their stardom. It’s an insult to real wives and girlfriends who actually do something more constructive than waste precious oxygen with their mindless jabbering and space with their silicon-enhanced breasts.

She’s also said, “I don’t think people are going to know who I am to be honest.?

I sincerely wished you would’ve kept it that way.

Fame-o-meter: 0
Pussy-o-meter: 7


Controversial TV presenter and politician might have had experience dealing with political snakes (i.e. the mirror) but this is a completely different scenario.

His wife calls him a “control freak?, whilst Kilroy reinforces this with typical MP equivocation: “My most irritating habit is wanting things done properly all the time.?

Uh, would this be a good time to mention your political career Roy?

Fame-o-meter rating: 8
Pussy-o-meter rating: 6


Yes, it seems that just like the malignant tumour that was Blue have since metastasised into the media. They’re everywhere you look these days. The latest manifestation is Simon Webbe who, rather perplexingly, claims that his special ability is ‘being a strong alpha male’ whilst, at the same time, admitting he has a phobia of ‘everything’.

He cites that one of his major worries of jungle life is being “abducted by a gorilla.?

Have you seen your girlfriend mate?

Fame-o-meter rating: 8
Pussy-o-meter rating: 12

(I know, I know. Technically it is out of 10. But this guy is bound to pussy out big time.)

So, there you have your ratings. Wait, hold on. I just realised what this is. A helmsmen of the enterprise with hiking abilities? A former tennis legend with immense hand-eye coordination? A forgotten TV presenter with the power to tidy up? This isn’t a top celebrity line up, it’s the worst, most retarded, deck of Top Trumps ever.