10 reasons to make Steven Seagal: The Motion Picture

November 14, 2008 by  
Filed under Features, Reviews

In a battle between Jean Claude Van Damme and Steven Seagal, resident OTB critic Rob Pearson says not only would Seagal beat le frenchie,  but he would blow smoke in his face, run off with his girl, steal his grandma’s cookies and make Mama Van Damme love him more.  Let Rob tell you why….

Jean Claude Van Damme, mired in the career-suffocating spiral of straight-to-DVD action spectaculars, recently escaped his low budget prison for just enough time to make JCVD. In this self-reflective film, Van Damme pores over the detritus of his somewhat improbable life and career as a square-jawed, 48 year old, Belgian action hero. By all accounts, it is a good film, but there is one jarring moment as Van Damme is shocked to learn that Steven Seagal has beaten him to a role.

Shocked?! Newsflash, Jean-Claude!

Seagal would kick your ass 8 days a week, while chewing bubblegum, taking your ludicrously twin-double-barrelled name, wearing sunglasses at night – and all while carrying the equivalent of Kate Moss in excess body fat. That’s how much disdain Seagal shows for you, Van Damme – he doesn’t even have to be able to see his toes. So without further ado, here are some reasons to make the movie ‘SS: The Living American Dream Action Hero Legend’ (title subject to change).

1. Under Siege

Undoubtedly Seagal’s peak, as he plays the Navy SEAL-turned-cook, Casey Ryback. Alright, so it’s ever so slightly derivative (Die Hard on a boat, anyone?) – Under Siege remains compellingly entertaining viewing. Plus, his sidekick is Miss July 1989 – and within 30 minutes he’s turned her from a gun-hating liberal pinko into a machine-gun-wielding NRA poster girl. Sarah Palin would be proud.

2. Helicopter Removal Service

Alright, so Rambo can take out a helicopter merely by throwing a rock – but real men use guns, and when guns aren’t available, they use knives, and if knives aren’t forthcoming, they use their bare hands (Seagal’s are registered as deadly weapons, no doubt), but in this particular scenario, real men use guns. And ropey CGI.

3. Comedy Genius

Hey Van Damme, check this out – Seagal has been self-referentially mocking his own reputation since before the plot to JCVD was even scrawled on the back of a McDonald’s napkin (which it no-doubt was)!

Only a true master Thespian could pull off the unenviable task of making those smarmy, film-obstructing Orange adverts watchable.

4. Zen

This may come as something of a shock, but Steven Seagal is not actually Steven Seagal. He is, in fact, a reincarnation of a Tibetan monk, Chungdrag Dorja, who in the 1600s, rediscovered rare and valuable 8th century Buddhist texts. Penor Rinpoch, head of the oldest school of Buddhism in Tibet, calls him the Action-Lama. No kidding. Here’s Chungdrag himself, imparting some of his pearlescent words of wisdom.

5. Marketing Guru

Not only can you watch Chungdrag/Steven, you can now drink his special juices! A drop of this beverage supposedly “holds untold natural power? – maybe Van Damme should buy a few cans, a little bit of Seagal-juice might make him worthy of a duel with a true master.

6. Mojo Priest

Unbeknownst to many, Steven Seagal is a man of many talents. The 7th Dan Aikido master is also a wildly popular recording artist. He cites music as one of his main passions, which you can easily hear as he seamlessly blends dub reggae, world music influences, and a selflessly anonymous vocal performance into this modern classic from his first album, Songs From The Crystal Cave.

7. Video Game Legend

Not content with monopolising – nay, conquering – the worlds of cinema, music and energy drinks, Seagal has dabbled in the highly lucrative video game market, with the modestly titled ‘Steven Seagal Is The Only Option,’ available now, only on the Super Nintendo Entertainment System. No, wait. It was cancelled. Still, how many abysmal-looking, cancelled SNES games did you have, Van Damme? That’s right – none! Stick that in your pipe and smoke it, muscleman.

8. Ball Busting Supremo

This one needs no introduction:

9. He Messes with the Muscles from Brussels

The Belgian fairy was probably high on his sense of ‘artistic integrity’ (what the hell is that, anyway!?) but let’s see what Van Damme said about Seagal in an interview with Empire magazine:

“I’ve never fought Steven Seagal, but we’ve met. I don’t know if he changed since he became a so-called Buddhist, but he did talk bad about me with no good reason. He should not do that. I’ve got great respect for Steven for his charismatic face, but now he is cranking out movies and people make fun of him for his weight. I advise him to take a break and take less salary.?

Yeah, well… erm… Screw you, Van Damme! Double Team sucked!

Er...hello- he has a mullet. How can we take him seriously?

Er...hello- he has a mullet. How can we take him seriously?

10. Lover, Fighter, Cultural Wine Buff

Van Damme has had five wives. Five! And despite his sex-god status, Seagal has somehow managed to harness his Zen tranquility in order to tame the beast and has restricted himself to the pure and saintly figure of just three ex-wives. A true family man. But, quoth our hero: “I am hoping that I can be known as a great writer and actor some day, rather than a sex symbol.” Not likely after the good people have seen this one, Steven!

Gaze on in awe as Steven Seagal effortlessly dispatches some hapless evil dudes in UNDER SIEGE: 9pm, FilmFour, Monday 17th November. Alert Me

GJ Olsen says:

All this is great, but you totally ignore one important factor, one which I have been personally told by TWO people who have WORKED with Mr Seagal – one of them being a quite well known movie star himself and that is the following: Steven Seagal is a selfish asshole of a man. Period. When several people reacts with a “no comment” on the question “What was it like working with Steven Seagal?” then you start wondering, and the truth isn’t pretty. Steven Seagal just isn’t a very nice guy in real life.