Thursday’s TV: So celebs eat together, big deal

November 12, 2008 by  
Filed under Reviews

CELEBRITY COME DINE WITH ME, Channel 4, Thursday 13th November, 8pm Alert me

Exactly why celebs bother putting themselves through reality TV still perplexes me. The reasons cited are many: ‘I want to reinvent myself’; ‘I want the world to see the real me’. Really? I fail to see how eating bugs with more legs than their IQ or living isolated in a house for 3 months moaning about the pressures of choosing Prada over Chanel can really achieve that.

The only consolation for me is that, more often than not they rip out what little dignity these people – and I use the word people loosely – have left and reduce them to quivering, crying heaps that I can laugh, point at, or generally despise (would 2006 Celebrity Love Island’s Brendan Cole aka “Bombhead? please stand up).

Kicking off the brand new prime-time series of Come Dine With Me, producers have decided to do a celebrity version. I’ve always thought of this show as a bit like visiting your grandmother. At first the idea sounds really off-putting because she smells and still treats you as though you were four. But once there, you realise you actually like being treated as though you were four and you begin to enjoy it.

I was relieved that CCDWM at least featured some actual celebrities and not the skank refuse from Hollyoaks. The cast includes Nancy Sorrell, English model and wife of Vic Reeves, Nicky Clarke, celebrity hairdresser who always looks as though the 80s stumbled out of a club drunk one night and threw up all over him, Jimmy Osmond, famous 60s singer and practising Mor(m)on, and model/underwear entrepreneur Caprice.

I’d really like to say that I enjoyed watching an honest Nancy cook up a hearty English dinner, using Vic Reeves as a hilarious butler to serve it all, or counting the number of times Nicky plays with his hair in between unbuttoning too much of his shirt and touching his face after handling chilli, and even the side-splitting midget Elvis – “Little Donny? – that Mr. Osmond unveils at the end. But, whilst other Come Dine With Me shows are about elegant meals, ridiculous props, fake shrilled greetings and “this is all great? followed by sly cab-bitching, this episode was all about one thing: hating Caprice.

Caprice is, quite possibly, the most dense person to ever grace television. Honestly, you could house the majority of British and American homeless people in the empty gap between her ears. She has a childish attitude, offers dinner guests a bizarre duo synchronised swimming routine and even has the audacity to put Jimmy’s beautiful looking steak into a Tupperware case to share the next day with her dog.  But that’s not the most retarded thing she does. Oh no. When it comes to actually buying ingredients and cooking she not only finds herself flummoxed by Feta but generally hates the whole cooking process. It’s a cooking series called Come DINE With Me, Caprice. What the f*ck did you expect? A catwalk?

Regardless of Caprice’s general retardedness, this is certainly worth a watch, if only for Little Donny’s sake.

By Alejandro Ahmadi-Gestoso